Carrot Top
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
Wait, I need to do something. Hold on.
No, because he works at a... What were you working in? Chewy something?
Chewy's Tex-Mex. I don't have a... See, I don't have a... I only have a joke for sushi. When you eat sushi, you do this, so you look like you're really... Wow, look at that guy going with his chopsticks. But I was hoping it was gonna be a... Now I can't turn it off. The kids in the sweatshop make this shit for me. I don't know. I don't know how to operate them. I just... They build them.
I come up with them, and they build them. But look at that. That took engineering, fucker. Look at that shit. That is unbelievable. My dad worked at NASA.
I got to find something Mexican. I might. Wait, I do have something. Hold on. Oh, I love this. All right, people misspell... People misspell... This is so old, I forgot the joke. People misspell graffiti on walls all the time, right? So they should have... Hold on, can I do this? Yeah, yeah. So this is a spray paint can that has a dictionary, so they get it right. And they do it, man.
When they get done, you're like, what the fuck? Here, look. Oh, yes. Eat more posse? Wait the fuck, wait. No, that's not... No, that's stupid. Well, they're all stupid. That's fucking... Oh, fuck yes.
Fuck. That is... By the... That was a... It was a spray pink hand with a dictionary. No, sorry, I had to, I had to, I had to. Do you have the braille version? Yeah, yeah, I might actually. No, we'll wait, we'll wait.
We've been looking for a dog. There's a cat. Now we're looking for a dog. I have a cat. No, I don't. Oh, hell no.
Fuck. He probably... He's a sound effect guy. He needs you in the room when he's... What would it be? What would the big right before you cum...
Did you do that same set? That's hilarious. It killed, dude. A 13-year-old or a 12-year-old. People are like, this is the worst Mother's Day restaurant meal I've ever had. Yeah, it's great. I'll be back on Father's Day.
It's like a, what's the old, what's the old comment? It's just a, it's a tendency, it's a tendency. It's not gay, it's just tendency. It's not a gay, once you're, no, it's not my joke. It's not my joke, it's Louis CK's joke. Once you suck, it's sucking a cock. He's like, it's like, something about that, and then he says, once you've got your hand on it, you're committed.
It's a fucking, it's a cock in your mouth.
After review of the play. Can I do my... I have a prop. I have a prop. I have a prop. Oh, let's go. It's a mousetrap to get gay mice, see? It's a classic. It's a classic. That's a classic. You're awesome. I have no fucking life.
What an art form it is. You are a master. I found a mousetrap at Home Depot and then I found a mirror ball and I was like, there's got to be a fucking joke. And the lady ringing me up was like, is this going to be one of your jokes? I said, yeah, it's a gay mousetrap. And she's like, it's great. I was just gonna fucking kill. It's going to be great. It's going to be great.
It set me up, though. I had a good one. I was like, yeah. I love it. That's true.
And this is the iconic carrot. Are you saying hi to me? I thought you were saying hi to Tony. Is it Tony, right?
I'm looking for another. I have another gay joke somewhere in here. Molly, how long have you been doing stand-up?
When you go to a bar, right? When you go to a bar, you can't see who you're hitting on, right? Because it's dark, so it's a beer that has a light built into it. You kind of scope it out before you... And look, it's a... And there's two jokes. Look, it's a Bud Light. Ah, fuck! Look at that shit. That wrote itself. Bud Light. Maybe there's another one. This is amazing.
I don't know if you guys all smoke the same pot that I did tonight. This is a dumb one. This is a pacifier for ugly babies. But it's dumb. I mean, they're not all clever. It'll be done. Polish shit. You know how much it costs to fly this shit here, too, by the way? Seriously. They had to go through it. Like, what the fuck is a dildo on a thing? I'm like, it's... Oh, it's carrot top. That's okay.
They really go through it. I'm like, it's a gay mousetrap.
Yeah, I was going with people too young to remember Regis and Kathy Lee. And I was doing the show, and I was on a flight. And this is great, the same exact trunk. It has flowers all over it. And I'm on this trunk, and I'm playing. I said to the woman, I'm doing this live show. Could you make sure the trunk gets it on? Because I'm going to go live tonight. And they said, oh, no, we got it.
We got it. We got it. We got it. We got it. We do it. And we get on the plane. I look out the window. It's like 4 in the morning. And I see this trunk going on the bed of another airplane. Oh, no. And I'm like, oh, fuck. And I said, that's my shit. And they go, no. I said, well, unless Donny and Marie are on the other fucking flight. There's like a box full of fucking shit.
So they got it for me just in time. Oh, awesome. Just in time to do, you know, on Regis and Kathie Lee, you know, a plate for bulimics. I mean, you know. Oh, my God. You can eat and... A plate for bulimics. You said be politically incorrect tonight, so I'm bringing all my... I love it. I'm bringing all my dark carrot top shoes. I love it. I love it. You guys are, by the way, the best.
You're the best. This is fun. This is fucking awesome. This is so fun. Man, everybody that's on here is so fun. Yeah.
I like that one guy, one guy, throuple!
I like that first joke, but I would have said, would you say 25% gay? And you pause and say, okay, 90. You know, something like, because, I mean, Gilligan, come on. Yeah. Yeah. This is an incredible getup. No, but that was funny. Fucking love it. I have those same shorts. Yeah. I feel bad. I really have the same legs. We have the same legs. Look at that.
Except I shaved mine, so it makes my dick look leaner.
Wow. You know, OJ got that job, by the way.
It's a business. You know, when we were comics, we'd order Domino's, right? And then we'd order Pizza Hut. We'd make both people eat their other thing. We'd film Pizza Hut eating Domino's and Domino's eating pizza. And they were like, no, we can't do that. And then we'd videotape them and they got fired from eating. Literally. They wouldn't eat the competition. I eat the competition. Incredible.
Wait, I have something for this. Hold on. Oh, okay. I love this. Carrot top, going into the... These are good. I gotta stand up for this one, dude. Only because you're wearing those goddamn things. Well, you know, it was hot today in Austin, so I had to be prepared to swim. They're skinny jeans for fat guys. So that way, when you wear them, you're like, you look so lean! Fucking retard, isn't it?
I mean, I'm retired. You can't say that word anymore. This is the best. Show and tell with liquor. I love it.
You can almost... There's nothing worse than an intro. This is the best guy in the world! Then you eat shit. But we'll see. Thanks for having me, man. This is so beautiful. We're going to have... Is this mine? I have two mics. That's how important I am. Absolutely. They don't want to miss one word. I've got two. One man, two mics. One lighter. Absolutely. What a hot crowd. You look good.
And there it is. Another new minute. Now, you've been doing comedy for a long... Sorry to take your time. You've been doing comedy for a long time, right? Oh, four years. No, because you're good. Thank you, man. I really appreciate that, bro. Solid, solid, solid.
Solid. Thanks a lot. Sorry about my stupid dreads. Sorry about that. No, I just... Listen, I... He'll stop me like, what the fuck? I'm trying. I fuck with them, nigga. They nice. Hell yeah, I like them. Hell yeah. There's a lot going on, but I like it. Hell yeah.
It's a great joke, though, isn't it? It's a fucking great joke. It was.
It's incredible. But it wasn't a joke. It really fucking happened? Yeah, no. See, that's what I'm thinking.
It's dark. I can't see anybody, but you look good. You look fantastic. I look fucking great, actually. I know. We were talking before the show.
Show me some goddamn papers, you dirty bitch. Fucking great. Ah, shit. Oh, man. That was brilliant.
I have another gay joke. Hold on. Oh, we love that. This one's in memory of Tyrone Jones. It's a... Hold on. Fuck. It's a piggy bank for gay guys. He goes... Hey, that gave a fuck, dog. That's you with him playing basketball. I love it.
Do you remember Tony? Oh, yes, for sure.
Incredible, Jake. Okay. If you did both, we might have a prize for you.
I'm going to let this... It's like Rip Taylor's act right there.
I love it. Very good. You lose that fucking thing. Seriously Yeah, the other guy earlier could lose a dog. It was probably that big. Yeah How long is he here?
I've got something for you. Hold on. Oh, yes. So this is fun. When you go to someone's house for a house party, you bring this and you leave it on their table. And the next morning they're like, what the fuck was doing below at our house? That's for you. That's for you. That is awesome. I love it. I was going to give it to you, but I got to fly this shit back to Vegas.
Yeah, absolutely. We gotta do a better prop. So this is all for the women here. When you go to the bar at night, you bring your purse, you can decide what guy to bring home at the end of the night. Oh, my goodness.
What up, bro? He's on the crew? Yeah, here at the Mothership. My crew fucking is not funny. Seriously, you're fucking funny. My crew, I don't let them look at me. You let them look at you. Yeah, yeah, there are a lot that look at me.
Yeah. Appreciate it. Now, as a prop guy, sorry. The first thing you walked out, I'm thinking, oh, fuck. I'm surprised you didn't. When you had the mic stand, you said, look, I know. I'm exactly almost the same height as the mic stand. That would be a funny opening joke. No, no, no, no, leave it where it was, where you're just, you're right about the same height.
When it was up right there, you say, huh? I'm fucking him with his thighs. I'll stick with props the other time. I'll stick with my props. I just saw a mic and you were the same height as the mic, and I said, that's a good joke. Yeah, I try to shy away from the hype shit. Yeah. But you open with something like world record something, so it made me think you were going to say that.
No, no, you're not the shortest man alive. No, no, no, no, you're not the shortest man alive.
Oh, shit. Yeah, really. Okay. You're sweet. Just what they want advice from me. Yeah.
Which one is it, though? Which one is it? I'm not asking your girth. I'm saying that prop was about girth, not the length. It was about big ol' fuckin' dick. Big ol'... Okay, okay. Which... Which two ladies said fuck? They loved earlier. Hell yeah. Now that you're here, they're like, well, he probably has a big dick.
Yeah. You ever heard of... You know, white people, white redheads, fucking white people. You sound like me. Yeah, redheads have huge cocks. Is that true? Yes. That's why my hair is purple and green and blue and green. I'm not redhead.
Yeah. I like Bookstore. I just like the Bookstore.
To her, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I mean to her. No, not you, to her, you're history. To her, I'm history? No, you're not history. To her, you're, she's, right? She's, he's history to her. You got it, you got it. And she's history. I don't know. Fuck. We got off on a bad thing. I liked the height joke. I thought it was funny. Wait, I got one. Hold on. Fuck. Oh, no. Oh, yes. Oh, no, I really do.
This is great. Fuck. It's a hanger for a midget. LAUGHTER I mean, that is fucking timing, right? Is that, you're going to give that to me? You said if I had something in the middle of the interview that I could cut him off. Fucking I had it. It was in Comedy Gold. It was just sitting there like, pull me out of the truck! You made that yourself? No, I make all this shit myself. Oh yeah, bro.
I've got nothing else to do. I literally, everything has duct tape and yeah. I can't believe you have a hanger for a short person. You can't say midget, you're a short person.
Damn. Law, you need one of these. Went to Radio Shack and got a fucking thing. Oh my God. That's how old that joke was, right? When they had an aerial. Absolutely incredible.
Yeah. You got it. I'm not holding nothing back. Fuck, we're gonna go a month without coming.
Yeah. 97 days. Well, we're all proud of you. No, thank you. All right? We're all, like, thinking that's a good thing. Maybe I'll try that. Starting tonight. Starting tonight. Yeah, totally. I'm telling you. Yeah.
I'm done with it all. I'm jerking off in the hotel. You got me tonight, by the way. No doubt about it. Hell, yeah. Mini bar, I'm going in there. Yep. I'm not going to come in the minibar. I'm going to drink the minibar.
Yeah. That'd be weird, wouldn't it? Someone came in the minibar. Yeah. Like, well, fucking carrot tops and kill Tony. Fucking came in the minibar. He left a fucking mousetrap. Yeah.
It's good, it's good. I had great hair until you showed up. Fuck, it's good hair.
I love the reveal when the comedians find... It's me, Reba McIntyre, good to see you. She's let herself go. Oh, my God. She looks like shit. She should hydrate.
I'm going to give you a joke you can do. So when you go out, you have a, fuck, let's find a good one, shit. There's not been a good one yet. So when you go out, you say, so this is for redneck women so they can still feed their babies and still smoke. We're gonna watch the, I don't know. We're gonna watch The Price is Right. See the kids, the kids, ah fuck. If it's not working with him, oh shit.
This is a thermometer holder, so you get the right one. Oh, what the fuck? You don't want your mom to give you the wrong one.
It's getting real scary at the bottom of this truck. You know, the sad thing is I had to make, I'm just drilling a fucking hole in this. Seriously, I'm backstage. What are you doing? I'm just drilling a hole in this fucking baby's asshole. But it's going to be great on Kilt Tony.
Carrot Top. Brilliant. Everything you said was brilliant. Funny.
That was the best part. Like, you know, comedians that get drunk.
You know, Cosby put something in my drink.
That was funny. That line was so goddamn funny. You drive like a giant.
Did you meet the guy early that didn't come for a year and a half? I missed that. What did you say? The guy that earlier said he didn't come for like two years.
They always sing that fucking thing, don't they? Love Shack. Love Shack. With the love Shack. Sorry, I don't know what the fuck happened. You're in the zone. I love it. I was Fred Schneider for about two seconds there. Yeah.
And I'm about to set sail! Sorry, sorry, I'll stop.
Oh, yeah, there is a hard copy. I got the original.
You know, I was the one that was going to wear a Texas shirt to suck up to the crowd, but now someone else will wear a Texas shirt.
You can pick one out and guess. That'd be fun. Oh, yeah. There you go.
No, that's a great game. Now, what is that? I don't remember what it is either. What do you think that is, Carrot Top? That's a good baby. Oh, shh. Don't shake the baby. No. So it's close, though. Well, here, I think... That would have been better than what I would have done.
No, I just say, this is the way you can also make a drink and shut your kid up. Like, fucking shut the fuck up. If you want to make a drink. Hold on, one more. I made a shake weight that has a piece of plexiglass in case it shoots off when you're doing it. Wait, it's got a better ending. Hold on. Then I made one for Asian guys. I want to offend everybody. That's the whole key. This is so awesome.
Oh, my God. Right? Look at that shit. And I'm making... Oh, fuck. I've been canceled.
No, this is the fucking... I've just been time out. I'm in time out.
So I should hope we should be canceled. I should be done. I should be finished.
I like the bottom more. So... So when you run out of gas, right, you look like a dick when you're walking down the street, like, hey, can you help me get gas? You fucking dumb shit, right? No one's going to pick you up, so I made this. So you put the gas can inside here, and then you hold that, and you're like, hey, you want to help me? And then... Genius.
I'm just trying to get Budweiser to be a sponsor. Yeah, that's brilliant. That was the only reason. Brilliant. Well, I already have Budweiser. That's amazing. You guys, honestly, and I'm not just saying this shit, you guys are a fucking awesome crowd, man. We had so much fun with you.