Bill the Cab Driver

Hey! Our dinner's right over here! What are you waiting for? Do I have to do this by myself?

He's been with us from the beginning.

He's wonderful.

Are you Daisy?

Yes, because we're the American dream.

Well, the American dream is still there, but you've got to do it by the process the way it's supposed to be done. And that should go for the U.S. and for Canada. If I want somebody to come into my house, I want them to come through the front door, not through the back door.

Yeah, well, there you go.

Except his birthday?

Yeah.

I gotta say, it's a nice crowd, but a lot of angry white guys here. Gotta admit, what do you think is less likely? That Haitians are eating cats, or that any of the guys here have ever eaten f***? All right, these people are out of their minds. I'm gonna have to change into something that will command more respect around here. Okay, let's do this. How's everyone doing, huh? Trump, Trump, Trump.

Here we go. Look at my old friend. We both took a poop on Nancy Pelosi's desk, right? I don't know about that. I don't remember. Come on. What a dump. What a dump we took in there.

I want to storm a schnauzer's vagina. Who's with me? Folks, we're on the verge of something very special. Can you feel it? You know, the other side, they'll talk about record low unemployment, record high stock market infrastructure, blah, blah, blah. But this election is more than about issues that quote-unquote affect us. This election is personal. Am I right?

It's about sticking it to those elitist liberals. Those elitists who hate billionaires. But you know what? On November 5th, those elitists, they're going to be the ones crying. And we're going to be the ones drinking. Liberal tears. Liberal tears. Liberal tears, everybody, liberal tears. I love them salty liberal tears. I won't have Medicare in two years.

But at least I'll know that there's liberal tears. Liberal tears, liberal tears, L-I-B-R-U-L, liberal tears. The world's in the shitter, but I'm spiteful and bitter. We're all throwing mud and the oceans are flooding. And just as a bonus, my billionaires own us, my candidates lying. The planet is dying, but liberals are crying. So I say three cheers. Hip, hip, hooray!

Cause my dream is to drown in them liberal kids. Oh, yes!

Who doesn't think so? Okay, now lower your hands. Okay, now raise them again. Okay, now lower them again. Raise them up one more time. Raise both hands. Now lower one. Now everyone say, I cannot be manipulated. Which candidate would you have a beer with? Trump. Trump.

you're listening to an iHeart Podcast.

Which candidate would you go to a baseball game with?

Biden.

Trump.

Which candidate would you let eat sugar cubes out of your hand? Why? More gummy? Less likely to bite you? Yeah.

Gentle. Which candidate would you want to be behind in a human centipede? And keep in mind, no matter what you answer, we will all think you're disgusting. Okay, this is tough, guys. I mean, I sense you find yourselves undecided about a lot of things. My problem is I'm not sure which one's gonna die first.

Thomas, I just have to ask, why are you struggling with this decision when you had no problem deciding to leave the barbershop with those sideburns? Seriously. It's like my mom always used to say, shit or get off the lawn. It's your civic duty. Yes. Would you agree with that?

What is your gut telling you? I mean, other than seatbelts do not come in my size.

RFK Jr., interesting. Also known as the evidence that the Kennedys f*** each other. Okay, maybe this will help you guys decide between the candidates. Here are two sandwiches, all right? One is old and moldy, and the other has chlamydia. Raise your hand if you're eating the sandwich on its deathbed, or raise your left hand if you want the sandwich that we have on tape using the N-word.

All right, welcome to our focus group of undecided voters. Thank you for coming to our marketing research offices. I want to stress that there is nobody masturbating behind this two-way mirror, no matter what you hear. So, as undecideds, let's go around the room. Tell us your name and what your f***ing problem is.

Okay, they're having their first debate. Do you hope the moderators will ask Trump and Biden the really tough questions, like, do you know where you are, and can you breathe on this mirror?

Both sides are constantly saying, this is the end of democracy. Both sides agree. So maybe instead of worrying about all this voting stuff, we should just decide on an escape plan. Does anyone have a bunker? Thomas, you look like you already live underground. Will the other mole people mind if we crash? It was time to switch tactics.

Perhaps if they practiced making any kind of decision, it would prepare them for November. We've all been given Cheesecake Factory menus to share. Now take a look at them and make a choice. You can do this.

I knew that wouldn't work. At this stage, there was only one option left. Look, you guys have barely given me anything, so I'm just going to tell you who you're voting for. Daryl, you're going to miss Election Day because there weren't any reminders on Pornhub. Pauline, you want a safer, brighter future for your children, so you're going to move to Ukraine. Thomas...

I think you should just stay home. This is a big one. Very important election. We need you to sit it out. And Mark, whatever you decide, I recommend you listen to your heart. Or at least let a medical professional listen to you. Thank you all for being here. We've learned a lot. We'll see you in four years when you can't decide between voting for AOC or Kyle Rittenhouse.

Welcome to the 2024 vice presidential debate. The debate between one man who thinks Trump is a mentally ill fascist psychopath and Tim Walz. It's a great battle between J.D. Vance and what he'd look like after four years as Trump's vice president. Tonight marks the third debate of this election that Joe Biden will sleep through. And as you can see, the atmosphere in the spin room is electric. Shh!

Quiet, everyone. The debate is just about to start. And here in the spin room, there's a palpable dead silence that one can only compare to the sound Melania makes when Donald Trump is inside her.

So far, the candidates have been quite civil and respectful to each other. Yes?

What do you think so far? very substantive substance i know i want to turn to the show about the menendez bro these guys have much more chemistry for all of us here at cbs news thank you and good night a lot of people are reacting to the debate rachel maddow said it was a slam dunk for the democrats but uh mark robinson said the video was so boring he couldn't even finish

I'm here with Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker. Everyone loves Tim Walz, right? He's so cute with his round face. He's like a cabbage patch of dough.

You know what? I was concerned about you. I have to be honest. For a second, he looked at me like I was a chocolate éclair, I swear to God. How do you say tampon Tim did? Oh, I remember he did in the boys' room. In the bathroom. Why did he do that? Here's what really doesn't make no sense.

If he's okay with putting tampons in a bathroom, what's his big problem with installing a couple of douchebags in the White House? This is legendary. Senator and former astronaut Mark Kelly, as a former astronaut, Do you have any plans to reveal the name of J.D. Vance's home planet?

Something's funny over here. I smell pills and cocaine. There we go. I'm waiting to talk to the great Senator Katie Britt, whose post-State of the Union speech last January is now considered a Halloween holiday classic. Don, how do you feel about J.D. Vance? Is it hard to see your dad ignoring someone besides you?

OK, I see some of you feel you need more information about the candidates. And I get it. We know so little about Trump and Biden. Apart from their campaign issues, their actions as president, their handling of the global pandemic, their criminal indictments, whom they've showered with, and a very detailed description of Trump's penis from a former porn star. But we still don't know. Okay.

I guess none of these Republican spin bitches are going to talk to a liberal daily show dog, but I do know who they would talk to. Gather around, the Hulkster's here. We want some spins from the Hulkster. What you gonna do when JD's mascara runs wild, brother? What you gonna do when I ask for a lift home, brother? How about some bus fare, brother? The Hulkster needs bus fare.

Who's that behind me? Is that a Democrat? Oh, yeah. Jasmine Crockett. She's going down. Brother, you're lucky I don't throw a punch at you right now that misses your seat by half a foot. The Hulkster's here to spin the debate for you, Tapper.

Listen to me, Jay Tapper. I didn't spend my career beating up immigrants to let that Kamala take over you. People got to understand, I know Kamala back when she was Kamala the Ugandan giant.

Triumph. Triumph, what's going on? I'm not Triumph. I'm Van Jones here. Oh, Van Jones.

Yeah, I'm here to spin. Oh. Jake. What we saw tonight... You're weeping. What we saw tonight was two men coming together, putting aside their differences, and focusing on their issues. I can't. I can't hold it together. It was so beautiful, Jake.

Who's got a question for Meemaw? J.D. 's little Meemaw. That's me. I'm for the Meemaw of the J.D. events. Oh, hi, Jake. It's Mahmaw. Meemaw. Meemaw, but it's spelled Mahmaw. Sorry. Did you make these? You Jewish people don't know how it's spelled. It's okay. I don't do it. What makes you think I'm Jewish? Things aren't that bad, Jake. You don't have to deny it.

My boy, my little JD, is the American dream. He started out in rural Ohio, and now all the people he grew up with can turn on the TV and say, there's the hometown boy who's going to cut off my Medicaid.

This is Triumph signing off from the greatest vice presidential debate in history. For me to poop on. We are here outside Madison Square Garden witnessing a caravan of migrants invading Manhattan. I didn't think it was possible to have more white people here than a Rangers game.

The last time Donald Trump had this many New Yorkers in the palm of his hand, he was doing it to impress Jeffrey Epstein. Trump rally to the right. To the right, folks. Come on. Okay. Whoops. Sorry. Wait, wait, wait. Let me just stand right here. Okay, you're good. You're good. Okay. USA! USA! Look at you. My good. Look at this ghetto. Holy crap. I almost wore that, you know.

Thankfully, my meds kicked in. You see? Because it's absurd. Where are you two from?

Oh, out-of-towners. So tell me, since you arrived in New York City, how many times have you been murdered? So you're a big Trump fan? Yes. I tell you what, at least Trump's the legitimate nominee. Kamala, you know, it was like a coup, right? They handed her the nomination. You're right. But she still has to get past Trump. Yes. Which for a woman is very hard to do without pepper spray.

If you're leaning towards Biden, please raise your hand. If you're leaning towards Biden, if you're leaning toward Trump, raise your hand. Okay, raise it at a 45-degree angle, please. A little straighter. Don't bend the elbow. That's good. It's a Hitler joke. You see, because you support a fascist. All right, we're having fun. Okay, raise your hand if you feel like voters are easily manipulated.

Everyone outside is like, oh, it's a Nazi rally, right? That is true. No, this is nothing like a Nazi rally. The Nazis were in shape, first of all. They took care of themselves, unlike this guy over here, right? Seriously, when I look at you, it makes me think that groceries aren't expensive enough. I can't. I can't. It's not the Nazi rally.

I hate when people use that term, when they call Trump a Nazi. He's the candidate preferred by Nazis. Here's another issue that drives me crazy. Inflation, am I right? It's crazy right now. Can you believe it's costing Elon Musk $1 million per voter to steal the election? It's a disgrace. The Democrats are running on abortion a lot, right? That's a big issue in this election.

What would you say to people worried about losing that right? Aside from what is it like to have sex? I do not believe that they should be pouring across our borders. Foreigners are destroying American jobs. That is true. Did you know that just one illegal immigrant caused 6,000 people to lose their jobs at Twitter? This guy, Elon something. Well, that's a good point. That's a good point.

What's the biggest seller today? Right here. This one, this one, and all the hats. You know what, though? I got some merch. What you got? If he loses, the election was stolen. What if he wins, you say? Look. The election was not stolen. Okay, how about this one? To commemorate the Trump rally at Madison Square Garden, I'm with 20,000 stupids. Arrows all around. Wow.

I think it's going to be a big seller. This is a human dog collar. A lot of Trump fans can wear this. If found, return to Staten Island. Guys, we got to fix you up with some merch. I'm selling merch, you know. Yeah, especially you. Here, here's what I got for you.

Trump condoms. There you go. Here, here's what they look like. You know, they have more value if you keep them in the wrapper, which I'm sure you won't have any problem doing. And then here, you can also have these. These are the Arnold Palmer size. I got a question for you. Are you going in? No, I'm not going in.

I wanted to speak, but they said we don't need dogs and we have way too many puppets already. Do you love RFK Jr.? Yeah, RFK. Okay, if you like RFK Jr., raise your hand as far as the polio will allow. But RFK is a real hero, isn't he?

I mean, because being a hero is all about sacrifice. And that man has sacrificed every principle he ever had to endorse Donald Trump. Between him and me, that's two of us who've had their balls cut off. How much better is Kamala? Donald Trump doesn't need notes. Donald Trump does not need notes to stand and wander around the stage while Ave Maria plays six times. You're absolutely right.

You can't put a soundtrack of laughter on here. Oh, I don't need one. Listen to those people. Let me hear it, Daily Show! Trust me, the liberals are going nuts. Yes. I'm sorry, I don't mean to insinuate that Trump is out of his mind. I'm stating it bluntly. Trump is out of his mind.