Bernie Somers
Appearances
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Menorahs, Presents and Palm Trees - December Holiday Stories
So I met this girl, and I really liked her. She was kind of a nerd, but nice. A nice, nerdy little girl. And I asked her out on a date, and our first date we had a wonderful time. But I didn't kiss her, I didn't even try to kiss her, because on the first date I just like to talk and listen and, you know, get to know the person. And then I asked her out on a second date.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Menorahs, Presents and Palm Trees - December Holiday Stories
Now the second date is when I usually, you know, go in for the kill. and I will attempt to kiss goodnight. But on our second date, I took her to this Italian restaurant, and whatever I had had so much onion and garlic in it that a Tic Tac would have just suffocated in my mouth. So I just, I didn't kiss her goodnight, I just sort of hugged her goodnight.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Menorahs, Presents and Palm Trees - December Holiday Stories
And then I asked her on the third date, and I thought, you know, I gotta kiss her tonight. I mean, if I don't kiss her tonight, she's gonna think I'm the shy, insecure coward, which I am, but I don't want her to know that. So on our third date, I took her to this jazz club. And this jazz club was like this dark, intimate club. And it was a couple days after Christmas.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Menorahs, Presents and Palm Trees - December Holiday Stories
We had these pretty Christmas lights hanging from the ceiling. And her and I were sharing this cozy booth. And it was just a perfect moment to share our first kiss. It was very romantic. In fact, the piano player at the bar was singing the song, Isn't It Romantic. It was like, isn't it romantic? Merely to be young on a night like this. Isn't it romantic?
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Menorahs, Presents and Palm Trees - December Holiday Stories
Every note of this song is like a lover's kiss. Sweet symbols in the moonlight. Do you think that I might fall in love perchance? Isn't it romantic? So the moment was screaming, kiss her! And then she told me about this New Year's Eve party she was going to and wanted to know if I wanted to go with her. And I said, yeah, sure.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Menorahs, Presents and Palm Trees - December Holiday Stories
And then I thought, you know, it'd be kind of cool if our first kiss was our New Year's Eve kiss. It'd be very symbolic, beginning of a new year, beginning of a new relationship.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Menorahs, Presents and Palm Trees - December Holiday Stories
So at that moment in my mind, I decided that was when I was going to kiss her, the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve, which meant I couldn't kiss her tonight because if I kissed her tonight, then our New Year's Eve kiss would be our second kiss. And that's just lame. But here's the thing. This nerd wanted me to kiss her tonight. She had her hand on my thigh. She's got her face close to mine.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Menorahs, Presents and Palm Trees - December Holiday Stories
She's looking into my eyes. I mean, she's doing everything but saying, kiss me, stupid. But I can't. You know, I'm saving myself for New Year's. So New Year's Eve comes, New Year's Eve day, and I'm getting ready for the party. I'm in the bathroom, really excited, and I'm shaving and brushing and flossing. And all day long, that song is ringing through my head.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Menorahs, Presents and Palm Trees - December Holiday Stories
Isn't it romantic to be young on a night like this? And it's like the song is telling my brain, don't blow it, Bernie. Kiss her tonight.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Menorahs, Presents and Palm Trees - December Holiday Stories
So we're at the New Year's Eve party, and we're in this loft, very crowded loft, and we're sipping champagne, talking and laughing, and I look at my watch, it's like 10 minutes to midnight, so I decide to go to the bathroom, because I remember I saw a bottle of mouthwash in there. So I thought, you know, I'll gargle, so when I kiss her at midnight, I'll have minty fresh breath.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Menorahs, Presents and Palm Trees - December Holiday Stories
So I go in the bathroom, I gargle, and I wash my hands and comb my hair, and I step out of the bathroom, and I see that the number of people at the party has, like, doubled. And before I was packed, when I was like jam-packed, you know, you can't even move a muscle. And I look at my watch and it's five minutes to midnight. And I'm trying to get to her, but I don't even see her.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Menorahs, Presents and Palm Trees - December Holiday Stories
And then before you know it, I hear, 10, nine, eight. And I'm like squeezing through the party, trying to find her. Seven, six, five, and then I see her. She's in the corner, but I can't reach her, you know, because there's just too many people between us. Three, two, one, Happy New Year! And everyone is kissing someone, and I see her there in the corner all alone, looking sad and nerdy.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Menorahs, Presents and Palm Trees - December Holiday Stories
And by the time I reach her, it's like 20 minutes after midnight. And before I could say anything, she says, Bernie, I'm leaving. She grabs her coat, and she leaves the party. And she's obviously very angry at me. I don't blame her. You know, it's like our fourth date. I haven't kissed her. I leave her alone on New Year's Eve.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Menorahs, Presents and Palm Trees - December Holiday Stories
So I chase after her, and we're outside, and I kind of grab her by the arm. I say, no, wait. She said, no, Bernie, you know, I'm sensing you're not all that into me, so I'm just going to go home. I said, let me explain. I didn't kiss her on the first date, because I just don't kiss on the first date. And I didn't kiss her on the second date, because I had really bad onion and garlic breath.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Menorahs, Presents and Palm Trees - December Holiday Stories
And I didn't kiss her on the third date, because I thought I'd be better to kiss her on the fourth date, New Year's Eve tonight, but I couldn't reach her tonight, because her two may be apart, and I couldn't reach her, and I'm really sorry.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Menorahs, Presents and Palm Trees - December Holiday Stories
And then she gave me this look, you know, and it was just hard to read, you know, because sometimes a woman will look at you, and you have no idea what they're thinking. And then she said, goodbye, Bernie, and she walked away. So New Year's Day came, and I'm just feeling very lonely and depressed. It was a terrible way to bring in the New Year.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Menorahs, Presents and Palm Trees - December Holiday Stories
Later that night, I'm lying in bed sleeping, and there's this knock at the door. And I'm thinking, who's knocking on my door in the middle of the night? So I go to answer, and it's her. I say, what are you doing here? She says, let me in. I said, what? She says, hurry up, let me in. So she comes in. I said, what's going on? It's past midnight.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Menorahs, Presents and Palm Trees - December Holiday Stories
She says, well, actually, it's 1158, so you have two minutes till you kiss me. I said, what? He goes, well, I know you want to kiss me on the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve, but you know what, Bernie, everybody kisses on the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve. We're going to be original. We're going to kiss on the stroke of midnight on New Year's Day. I said, okay.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Menorahs, Presents and Palm Trees - December Holiday Stories
And she said, do you have champagne? And I said, I have Snapple. And she said, get it, but hurry up, it's 11.59. So I'm running in the kitchen, I'm getting the Snapple, and the song's rushing through my head. This is a romantic movie, I'm going to act this. And she yells in the living room, do you have champagne glasses? And I said, I have Batman and Robin coffee mugs.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Menorahs, Presents and Palm Trees - December Holiday Stories
Honey, you only have 20 seconds. It's romantic every night, so let lovers kiss. And I run into the living room with the coffee mugs. Sweet symbols of the moonlight. Do you think we'll ever fall in love for a chance? And we're sitting on the couch together with a Batman and Robin coffee mug. Took the Snapple and she's looking at the watch. She's doing the countdown. Three, two, one.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Menorahs, Presents and Palm Trees - December Holiday Stories
And we lock eyes. And I say to her... you are the coolest girl I have ever met in my entire life. And she said, shut up and kiss me. Isn't it romantic?