Benny Boy
Appearances
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Hello. How you doing? All right. I'm back. I'm not Nick. I'm back. Anyway, I smoked a lot of pot in the 80s and 70s. Maybe 80s and 90s. Now I don't care what the fucking temperature is. I'd get so high it would take me an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes. I did some coke. I watched it in seven minutes flat. What the fuck, motherfucker? That amyl nitrate? I thought it was anal nitrate.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I've been putting that shit up my ass. No wonder I didn't get high. Yeah, shit. Being on Kill Tony, I got some work. I went to Tijuana. I was big down there. They said, Benjamin Grelly, pendejo grande. It means big funny man in Spanish, they told me. Pendejo grande, Benjamin Grelly. That was me.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Because it's the first time I use it. I usually use my regular name.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Seems a little bit late for a current change. His voice, man. Just to mix it up. Okay. And I thought you might see my name and go, oh, now that fucking guy again. I just pull names out of the bucket. You don't do that shit?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, well, that was his name, so... Hence the Richie.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Well, I wasn't friends with him. We just had the same heroin dealer. It's not like I hung around with him and ate cereal with him.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
That would be weird, eating cereal with a serial killer.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Oh, no, no, no, no. You gotta be gay to do that shit.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Oh, no, no. This was the 80s. You didn't share needles with anybody. AIDS was rampant. Did you ever... He used to be a felon.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
No. I never saw him actually out of that room, my dope dealer's room. He lived across the hall. Had a pentagram on his...
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Well, I got another story for you. Here we go. Okay. You want to hear about the time I stole a guy's TV? Yeah. While he got up to make a sandwich during a commercial.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
It was a long time ago. I don't do that shit anymore. Unless I need a TV, that is. Yeah, it was in San Luis Obispo. I better not say the name. The guy might still be alive, and who knows?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Okay, so I just moved into this guest house behind my art teacher's house. This is back in the 70s. And I moved in. I had all my furniture in there. Sat down on my sofa, and I realized, shit, Johnny Carson's going to be on tonight in about a half hour. And Richard Pryor was on that night. I remember distinctly. Who happened to be one of my favorite comedians. And I said, I don't have a fucking TV.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
It's 11 o'clock. The news is on. 30 minutes, Carson's on. I don't want to miss the monologue. I'm going, where the fuck am I going to get a TV at 11 o'clock at night? I said, I better get in my pickup truck and go peruse the neighborhood. So I did.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
driving down the street not too far from my house and I see a big picture window and in the picture window is this beautiful color TV back then they weren't all color this one was so I kind of said oh shit there's a TV right there I pulled my truck down a few houses down a ways because I assumed I'm going to be running out of this house with a TV and
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
and I didn't want them to get my license plate. I didn't have time to steal a car. Plus, I hadn't done that in a few years, and I was a little rusty. So I packed my truck, and I did my best cat burglar routine. Crawled up to this guy's picture window, looked inside, and there's this dude sitting on the couch watching the news. I'm like, oh shit, someone's home.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I wasn't used to going in houses when someone was home. I usually waited till they left. But right next to the TV was a screen door. It was summertime, so the door was open, but the screen was closed. And I'm saying to myself, the TV is right there, right next to the door. If I go around the back, I could just grab that TV and leave. But the fucking guy's there. Next thing I know, guy gets up.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
He goes up these stairs and he's in his kitchen. He opens the refrigerator and he starts pulling out mustard and ham and cheese. I'm like, this fucking guy's making a sandwich. It's going to take him a few minutes to make that sandwich. Right? You can't make... Only take me a few minutes to get that TV. So he's making his sandwich. His back was to me. I could see him up there. The TV's there.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
The door's there. Then he goes in the back somewhere, I assume to the bathroom or something, which is even better. It's like, oh man, I gotta do this. So I run around the back of the house, I open the screen door, very gingerly like, and I push that little thing, you know, to keep the pump, the door from shutting there. What do you call that? Bill, would you happen to know? Door stop.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
TV, I just had to take like literally one step. This wasn't a flat screen TV. These were heavy fucking TVs. This thing was way heavier than I expected. And as you can see, I'm a skinny runt. My rap name is Skinny Bastard. Anyway, I grabbed the TV and immediately I went, oh, this thing's too fucking heavy. I'm not going to be able to make it back to my truck.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
And the guy's still not there, so I'm outside now, his door. And I look in the back, and there's a cinder block wall, and there's a shed up against the wall, and there's a ladder right there, up against the shed. And I figured, okay, it's easier for me to get to that wall than it is to get to my truck.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
So I brought the TV back to the shed, climbed the ladder, I put the TV on the roof of the shed, which was right up against the cinder block wall, and there's an alley that goes behind all the houses where the garbage trucks go. I have a black hooker waiting.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
So I put the TV up there. Sink, Eddie-O, sink. Put the TV up there. As I'm walking back, I look in there, and the guy's back to making the sandwich. I see his elbows and stuff. I'm going, okay, he's cool. So I go back to my truck, get in my truck, and I come all the way around.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Keep going. Go down the alley. stop my truck, I climb in the back of the bed of the truck so I could reach the TV from the roof of the shed, got the TV, put it in the bed of the truck, put a little tarp over it, just in case I got stopped, which I didn't. I drive around the alley, I go around the corner, now I'm going up the street where the guy lives.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
To my amazement, there's already a cop car there. police car was there already so there's two cops and the guy on the front lawn and all three of them were scratching their heads and i can only assume they're going so what the fuck happened i got up to make a sandwich come back and my fucking tv's gone
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I thought you might see my name and go, oh, that's fucking Guinea again and throw it away. The fucking what again?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, I would love to do a podcast, but I'm not as smart as I look.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I saw... What? I saw you at the secret show, and I said, I need another big book. Mine was full, and you said to Yoni, get him another book.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
It wasn't the first time I've been thrown out by security. Benny, shut the fuck up.