Austan Goolsbee
Appearances
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WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
Their fresh new lifestyle has begun to interfere with their extracurriculars. Frankie missed his soccer game because he was weeping over the beauty of an Hermes handkerchief, said Rebecca Giovanni. Kevin wouldn't come down for his dino nuggets because he was in a bidding war for the jacket from Scarface, said Tony Farina's mother, Trish.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
The boys now eschew playground time to gather in their finest velvet suits, holding unlit pipes and discussing their bones growing weary, the turbulent market, and the long-forgotten days of third grade.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
This is a day or a week or a month or a year or this is the life of the Fed. You know, the Fed was invented coming out of the panic of 1907. So we've been dealing with financial stability and market chaos and... cleaning up messes for a long, long time.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
What do we do all day? Well, exactly. I still ask myself that question. There's five functions of the Fed. I kind of think of it as being on your hand. At the base is monetary policy. It's the opposable thumb. It's what separates us from the animals. And we have a research department. We go every six weeks or so to Washington, D.C. for the Federal Open Market Committee. The shades come down.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
There's a giant table, and they go around the room. And it's kind of, I don't know, it's kind of paradise if you're an econ nerd. All right, let me interrupt.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
And then... There's no pope and there's no flyers. But other than that, yes, that's pretty much how it is.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
Yeah, pretty much. Now, everybody sits around the table. The Board of Governors are political appointees, and they're at the Washington, D.C. Fed. And then 12 of the 19 people around the table are from the 12 Reserve Banks. The Chicago District's kind of heart of the Midwest. It's most all of Iowa, Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, Michigan. I feel a little regional pride.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
The head of the Atlanta Federal Reserve is Rafael Bostic. He's an old friend of mine. He was, in fact, the guy that... Yeah, but he's not here, man. Say something. I was applying for the job. Actually, he's the first guy I called. I said, what do you do all day? Tell me about this job. I try, when I go to make my statement...
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
I try every meeting to come with some receipts about why we're the greatest district in America. Like that something on the order of 90% of the pumpkins grown in America are grown within a 100-mile radius of Peoria, Illinois. And that's insane. So if we have a meeting around Halloween, you bet I'm trotting that one out. And I'll still try that.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
I have no problem with that. Can I ask a personal question?
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WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
Well, look, the last time we talked about tariffs, I forgot to give my Aunt Trina any warning that I had talked about. All her friends began calling her up. And they said, is it true you're lasagna? She was like, I thought it was a pot roast.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
The way you phrased it is right, Peter, and that is when you become a sworn member of the Federal Reserve, you don't have to sacrifice your aunt Trina. No, but you are out of the fiscal policy business. So Congress and the president, in their wisdom, can do anything they want. Wisdom? I would say— The Chicago Fed motto is like the Chicago City motto. There is no bad weather.
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WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
There is only bad clothing. You tell us the conditions, we pick the jacket, and we get on with it. The Fed is who you call when it's like, clean up aisle three, and we go out and we clean it up. If it's peanut butter, it's different than if it's milk, but basically our job is to weigh in there.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
It's not dreary at all. What? How could you say that?
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WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
Let me apologize up front, Aaron. I hope I can deliver, but I don't know.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
Yikes. Those are the three choices? Those are the three choices. I mean, how would it be anything but a movie? And you're right again.
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WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
Oh, my goodness. It has to be the sexy pizza rat.
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WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
I thought you were going to say how much I owe you, and the check is in the mail.
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WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
He is lucky that horses don't stop. They do just keep going.
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WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
They can't tell the difference between a pumpkin and an unwell head.
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WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
I'm a barista in Brooklyn. This news is not very shocking to me. All my co-workers are sporting them. What are they getting though? Just like really scary like skulls and stuff.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
Yeah, they're all like goth and LGBT. And skull, the goth crossover is like crucial, I guess.
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WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
I've been at bars when running clubs come in. Afterwards, you don't need to tell me twice that they're a little dumb. Yeah, I know.
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WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
I can't wait to have some money to put in there when things chill out.
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WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
There's maybe 20 bucks in there. Yeah, I understand.
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WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
Why can't they make more of the buff guy? Just some of my friends are asking.
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WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
I think boys are an incredible resource, and if you're using dating for anything other than to learn information, then you're missing part of the point. They can be so helpful. I just broke up with someone before we enter a recession. Do you know how many questions I'm going to have to send to my dad instead? That's such a bummer.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
People who do their own taxes are also sexier because they're probably in a lot of trouble with the law, which is always hot. If you're on the run, that is so... You're on the run.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
After their Xbox exploded at a sleepover, a group of 11-year-old boys from Syosset, New York, resorted to watching an old Sherlock's Home DVD, which caused a new obsession that is a huge mystery to their parents. The six boys who attended Frankie Giovanni's 11th birthday party have begun collecting tobacco pipes and smoking jackets. Each boy has amassed dozens of velvet, silk, and satin jackets.