Alison Schaefer

The history, if we go back and look at sort of North American culture anyway, we came from a history where the goal of parenting was to raise children who would mind our will, to be obedient. And if you think about parenting, the general idea of parenting is preparing the child to be competent to enter the greater world once they leave your home.

We came from a society where you would have gone into the workforce that was very hierarchical. Colonialism where the power was really cloistered up high on top and you had to Mind your will and be subservient if you were going to survive, even in the Industrial Revolution, to go work the lines or to go work in the mines. And so obedience was the goal of parenting.

And to raise an obedient child, you know, you really had only two parenting tools that you had to master. And that was either punishments, which we, you know, the corporal punishment with the paddles or, you know, the threats. But it was fear-based and it worked. It did make kids become obedient. We don't like that so much. We realize that we probably have emotional scars.

We know that it hurts self-esteem and whatnot. And what we're seeing now with gentle parenting and some of these other methods, brand names, is really a move towards a different goal altogether, which is about how do we raise a cooperative child who behaves not because they're fearful, but they behave because they realize it's the right code of conduct. It's the good thing to do.

That's a very different goal. And it's very new. It's very fresh. And that's why we're having this cultural confusion.

So we know Sarah Ockwell-Smith out of the UK came up with it.

And the qualities that she would include in there are sort of empathy and understanding, respect, healthy boundaries. And then in her particular brand, there is a lot of emphasis on emotions. We're kind of on fire for emotions as a thing right now. As I look at those, and

dig into what she's writing, I would say, okay, she's most closely aligned with that backbone style of parenting, the firm and friendly. So on that note, I would say, okay, I'm in with gentle parenting. I'll give that my stamp of approval from my training and expertise. But then when parents come to me and they say, oh, well, we're trying to practice gentle parenting.

So the other day when I was trying to get my kid to get off the swing to come home from the park, I did X, Y, and Z. And I'm like, oh, see, that's not firm enough. You're actually being permissive. So I think it's just being misapplied.

I agree that we need to make sure that we understand that feelings are facts. and that all emotions are fine, all emotions can be expressed, and there's a place for all the rainbow of emotions that we have. But it's the dwelling on it that is the problem where we have research that says, you know, the more you focus on it, the more it's like adding gasoline to a fire.

So if we're suddenly talking about a child's being upset about something, and we go on and on thinking we're emotionally co-regulating them, Then they don't learn self-regulation because, you know, we're actually dwelling on the fact that, you know, they had a bad day at school and the teacher didn't pick them and something bad happened on the school ground.

Now, instead of them getting over it and moving on to playing and being distracted and new things at home, now suddenly we've carved out another hour to keep the spotlight on this bad part of their day and we think we're doing a helpful service.

There's all these brands. But if you're looking at the research, we basically look at four styles of parenting. And those four styles are categorizing parenting by those two qualities I mentioned at the top, which is about firmness and friendliness. So if you are very firm, but you're not friendly, then you're autocratic. You're ruling with an iron fist.

That's the strict parenting that we would recognize. But on the other hand, if you're not firm, you can't hold a boundary. You can't say no to your kid. And you're super friendly. You're like, you know,

you're a kind loving warm parent but your kids walk all over you that's permissive parenting and if you can do neither firmness nor friendly then you're a neglectful parent and the one that i'm talking about that is the the one that we're seeing blossoming that's so important for parents to embrace is that hybrid of being both firm because kids do need limits and boundaries they do need guidance they do need to be socialized on how you behave in a group

But we don't need to do it in harsh ways. There are ways that you can learn to enforce a limit and boundary and do training that doesn't require a wooden spoon or a shaming, you know, those types of things from the past. So it's new tools. It's a new approach. And that's what we call democratic. That's that firm and friendly combination that seems to be hard because parents go, was that too firm?

Was that too friendly? Where's the line?

The common misbehaviors that you see in childhood. So what I would see is things like, I can't get them to bed. You know, they keep coming out of their room. I have to kiss all their teddy bears. I can't get them to stay at in the bed or they crawl into my bed or I can't get them out the door in the morning. I'm dropping them off late for kindergarten or daycare.

The morning is just a screaming match of trying to, you know, get to work on time. Picky eating up and down from the table, won't pick up toys, rude attitude. And more recently, I'm really seeing an uptick also in anxiety, which ties to parenting too, believe it or not.

The behaviors that we're seeing from the children is because the parenting has changed. And so when parents decided that they wanted to be warmer and friendlier, which I think is fantastic, that quality of parenting is super important. We've learned that we don't want to have small T traumas with our kids. And there is that parenting has an impact.

I think we have to remember back in the day, we didn't know that environment changed a child's development. Now we do. And so we're almost apoplectic with concern that if I say the wrong thing or my kid cries, if I don't let them in the bed and they get upset about it, that I better open a bank account and start putting money away for them to get therapy. And when they're older.

So parents think they're traumatizing their kids all the time whenever there's a big emotion. So they're kind of fearful of their children's big emotions. And that lets the kids really get away with murder.

I hear so much pain in his voice. That was emotional for me to listen to. You can tell. I really don't know what his childhood was like. But he brings up something really important, which is the power of relationship. And that's why we can't be too punitive, because that does break down not only the self-esteem of the child, but what it does is it deteriorates the relationship.

And we do need family, and we do need strong relationships within the family for healthy development, and especially in the teen years. Because in the teen years, your biggest parenting tool is the power of the relationship and your child not wanting to disappoint you when they're out and about in the world, because you can't follow them everywhere. You can't go to every party.

You can't sit in every classroom to make sure they're not on their phone and that they're listening to the teacher. So you have to really rely on influence rather than control. Being a good disciplinarian does not mean that you are going to lose the relationship. You can be a very good disciplinarian. Kids need leadership. Security comes with boundaries and predictability and stability.

And they want to know there's somebody big in the house who's looking after them. Because if you're six years old and you think that there's like nobody running this place because you're so permissive and can't set a boundary. And when I cry, I get my way. Then I'm the most powerful person in this house. And I'm just a kid. That's not safe.