Alex Tarshun
Appearances
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Thank you, thank you. I've been going to the gym a lot lately. I've been trying to make my workouts pertain to things I would do in real life. So every time I do a squat, I make sure to also lift my ball sack and cough. I didn't always used to be this big. I used to be really small. That was when my dad was getting the best of me. He said these beatings were preparing me for life.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
You know, for all the other 40 year olds who are gonna hit me with a belt and a shoe. You know, the thing is though, he actually didn't own a belt. So we'd have to go to the clothing store and he'd hit me with one there. You know, it might sound bad, but I guarantee you, every time he hit me with a belt, he always did it in goodwill. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Right? You know. I know that Harry Truman was killed by a volcano.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Where did you learn that at? I was just scrolling Instagram. It just popped up.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Yeah, I do delivery driving, and I also, because I actually play the trumpet while I drive, because you only need one hand for it.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Yeah, I play the trumpet while I drive, and I use a little flap, like the sun visor, put the music on it. so I can kind of read it.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Somebody just handed me that trumpet. I was just driving around playing, and this guy was like, I've been looking for someone to give my trumpet to, and he's like, well, I guess you're the only guy. So I was like, all right. That trumpet's actually really expensive, too. How do you know that? Well, I looked it up.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I eventually looked it up, and it's like, he said he was giving away all his possessions and then moving to Thailand. Which we know what that means.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Well, there's a thing that we don't like to talk about that we all do sometimes. Wait, wait, wait. Go ahead. It's okay.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Well, sometimes you go on skip lag and you just want to see how much it would cost if you want to travel around the world and have your dreams come true.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Well, I kind of texted my ex-girlfriend. I was like, I got on Keltoni's. I thought it would be kind of weird if she just saw me randomly.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Yeah, I just said, like, just give me a call, which I guess is like an emergency or something.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Oh, well, you know, I used to have a heart. You know, I used to be in love. And then what happened? And then... And then I got fired from my job.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Oh, and then it was just a series of just... Since the last time I saw her, I had two guns get pulled on me at different occasions. I went to jail a couple times, just for a weekend. Just for a weekend. You got a gun pulled on you and you went to jail? I got a gun pulled on me in Portland.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
And then immediately the first thing I did was tell this guy a Prophet Muhammad joke while he was pointing at me. I was like, all right, this is the time.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I said, you know, in the religion of Islam, it's forbidden to draw the Prophet Muhammad. It doesn't say nothing about drawing his twin brother Billy, though. By the way, he's fraternal. He's fraternal. You know?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Oh, and then I saw this lady walking around, and I was like, you never believe this. She had a gun pulled on me. She's like, what did you do? I said, I told him a joke. A Prophet Muhammad joke. And she goes, why? I'm like, that's comedy, right? And then she was like, no, it's not. And I was like, oh. And she's like, I'm actually in the circuit. I know what comedy is. And I was like, all right.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I finally got closure, though. Uh-huh. Because I told her I got on Kill Tony. And she was like, good for you, but. You know, he's a bad man.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Well, Monday was good for me, last Monday. Tuesday was kind of rough. Uh-huh.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I got a phone call from my apartment, and they were just like, so we heard you had eight dogs. We just wanted to know when you're leaving. And I was like, all right, well, you know, it's been a long week. I got a couple of new apartments lined up. New strategy for a new apartment, just going to lie.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Well, it's because I got home so late that it was just like screeches and squeals for like a couple hours.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Well, first off, my chances of being a public school teacher are plummeting. Why?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I was working on my teaching certificate, like, thinking, like, I'm going to get somewhere off to hang out with my dogs. And then I was just like, like, There's something about saying nigga on stage. It's just not gonna work for me, you know?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Well, I think, I mean, like, if you just Google me, like, it just comes up that, like, I prank phone called the suicide hotline by accident. Really? Yeah, like, if you Google me already, like, there's, like, it's already, like, it was already dicey, like, to think that I'd get the job in the first place.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Well, like, basically, like, I had shoulder surgery, making excuses for myself. I was kind of on pills and stuff. I had a big old slink and everything. And I was just like, that would be funny. I was watching Crank Yankers. And I was like, oh, Crank Yankers. I should make prank phone calls. That would be funny. That would be good content.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
And what I did was I just called up the Suicide Hotline and was just like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. And then I put the two house phones together to make that robot squeal. And then, like, my brother came in. He's like, oh, hey, Peter, what are you doing? You know, like, oh, no, Peter, what happened? And he just goes to the phone. He's like, why did you do this to Peter?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
And then, like, an hour later, I'm, like, making eggs. Like, wow, that was pretty funny.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Is there some French in the bloodline? Yeah, we used to be a French colony. You used to be? My dad's country, yeah. What was your dad's country again? Tunisia. Oh, wow. Tunisia. You know what Tunisia... There you got me.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
No, I had to delete the audio too, but it's like a... They wouldn't take down the article because the company went out of business. So it's just kind of stuck there.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Bravo! True art! I had an arrest one time where I had a 60-year charge. That was like a class X felony in the Illinois.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
So basically, my friend was like, I'm going to go mule. My friend was like, I'm going to go mule, like, a bunch of weed across the country. And I was like, I'm not doing anything. Like, I'll go hang out. Like, I'll go for the ride.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Yeah, yeah. Wow, okay. Yeah, and then, like, the thing is, like, we had a driver who was, you know, like, kind of on the spectrum a little bit. Like, not in a bad way, but, like, for this, it was terrible. Because, like, I was in the front seat just, like, taking a nap. And the cop was knocking on my window. I'm like, how does the cop waken me up? You know what I mean?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
But right before bed, I was braiding my hair. Right before I went to sleep. In the car. Yeah, I was braiding my hair just thinking, well, if I get arrested, I want to have a good mug shot. And then I actually did wake up to a cop on the window, and I was like, oh, shit.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
If you go on my YouTube, it's like the opening for my cartoons.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Uh... Not really. Who's it for? It's just for people who just like comedy and stuff, not too sensitive and shit, you know?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Uh, everybody at the same time. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's just Nig-Nigga-Nigga. What was it? Nig-Nigga-Nigga.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
You can get a good peek at this. We got the old alligator mouth.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
They feel great. I feel like it's a good color. They really match your do-rag, bro. That's like a good look. My hair gets really frizzy because of the hot heat around here. Yeah. So I try to keep the, you know, kind of moisture in.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
So I'm not transgender right now, but I am thinking about it. So I might be a translator. I'm actually kind of odd. I'm odd like an eight ball. I'm even, black. I'm even black. I got this odd problem I'm trying to figure out. So there's three planes that depart from a Boston airport within a 20 minute window and collide with a building each. Now if X represents the plane that hit the Pentagon,
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I'm trying to solve for why the government won't show me the footage. 20 years, still figuring it out, you know? Thank you.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Mostly New York. Okay. A little bit of Portland. Didn't work out well.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Well, you know what? I've been trying to sign up for a while, and I keep trying different things. Like, I actually just gave up on socks completely. Hold on a second.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Well, I kept wearing like pants and like clothes and stuff. And I was like, you know what? It's not working.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Yeah, I usually like to wear a hat for that big I'm black reveal. You know?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I'm actually second generation inbred. Explain to us exactly what you mean. All right, so I don't know if you can see it from here, but I got this mini pinky.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Yeah, so my dad's parents were related, but not my parents.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
No, on the black side. What? Bacon soda! What? Well, technically, most Sicilians are kind of, you know, because it's an island. You know, so it's a lot of, you know... My only problem is the pinky. Trust me, it's just the pinky.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
So, do you have brothers and sisters? Four. Four? Three brothers, one sister. And I got eight dogs, too. Do they have some things wrong with them? My younger brother's on steroids. That's not... He's trying to grow his pinky.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Well, he's got, like, body dysmorphia. Uh-huh. And he thinks that's going to win his, you know... his girlfriend back or something.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
You got anything you'd like to say about people you don't like? You know, I got, my best friend's Adam J. And then Andrew Guarino. Just want to shout him out. Love those guys. Don't do that. Sorry.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
So the crazy thing is I just left my two dogs alone for a while. And then they just like, I thought my little dog was just getting fat.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
No, they're great though. They're cool. They're really sweet.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
So I have to get, like, emotional service, like, it's like a doctor's note for eight dogs, because you can't have more than, like, you can't have more than, like, five dogs in Austin.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
So you're teaching them how to fight? Well, one of them bit the other one's tail today. So apparently it's something called litter mate syndrome, where they're just automatically going to start fighting. Because normally people don't keep their dogs together like that. You don't even need to train them. Look at that.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Why is Porky your favorite? Porky was the only brown one. Everyone else is black.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
We're giving away free pizzas. How are you doing that? Explain to us. I talked to my boss. He said if I got on, we could give away free pizzas.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
If you don't wear socks... Just show up to South Lamar Jets Pizza and ask for a big win. Is that you? That's my boss, Mr. Wynn. Wow.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I'm just hoping for a big delivery, a lot of tips. Hell yeah.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Well, personally, I'm going off the rails. I'm losing it.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
So tell us, tell the people what it's like. So basically, I've come to a conclusion that basically women, they all say they're different, but they all sound the same. So that's why I've only been going after deaf women. You know what I mean?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
So basically, I was at, like, Rock Bottom one day. Uh-huh. Which is not far from right now, actually. Wait, you... Okay.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
So I was, like... Before we move on, why were you at Rock Bottom? So I had a... I fell on my knee on the sidewalk, and it got infected, and the infection went to my face. Okay. It was a staph infection? It was like, I don't know. I was on antibiotics. I don't remember exactly what it was, but it was actually pretty bad.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
And how long did you... Was it after the fall on the knee in which your face... The fall on the knee, I didn't know because it was such a big collision and it got cellulose or cellulitis or something like that. It was a deep infection.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Yeah, I just had my car got stolen because I'm living in Portland. Oh, Portland. That's come up a few times tonight. And I was limping to go get some free food from the pantry. And all of a sudden there's this beautiful woman and she's holding, this is a true story, she's holding like a pile of money in her hands. And she just goes, do you want any money?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I said, well, a couple things. I was like, you kind of caught me at a bad time. You told her that? Yeah, it's not a great time for me. Like, you know, but I said, one day I'm going to be on TV. When you see me on TV, you give me a call. And she said, okay, bye. See you on TV. You gave her your number? Nope. Well, how would she give you a call? Well, I was hoping she'd see me on TV.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Well, I figured while I'm getting through my phase of having no money and eight dogs, I'd get to the point where I could finally have a relationship. You know what I mean? Now's not a good time for me. You know what I'm saying?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't find a lot of women like that.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
No. Basically, I thought for myself, same day I was like, well, because she was offering me money, I was like, this is pretty sweet. And then later on, I'm walking to the grocery store, like, And I sit down, and, like, some other woman, like, offers me money. And I was like, well, it wasn't the same, because, like, she thought I was homeless. And I was like, all right.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
So, like, it's not just that she was offering me money, you know?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
No, no. And also, she was black, too, so I wasn't really feeling it. You're not into black women? No, not really.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Yeah, one time. What did you not, what was it that stood out to you? She had a really nice afro. I thought she was pretty, but she also had, like, some kind of, like, like, I ended up, like, kind of getting sick afterwards.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
It was basically a couple hours into this and my air mattress was already mostly deflated. ... And she just starts coughing. And I'm like, you all right? And she's like, no, I'm kind of getting over something. And I'm like, ah, jeez, I'm kind of getting over something. And then all of a sudden, like, I was just sick for, like, another week. And I'm like, this sucks. So that was it. Wow.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
And then there was one, there was one, there was one, everyone has one giant fat black lady off Craigslist, but that doesn't count. Wait, she was off Craigslist? No, I mean, it doesn't really count. Where did you meet her at? Well, I met her at my... I met her at her house. You got to understand, it was Albany. It was Albany. I didn't have a chance.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Well, yeah, but I found her on Craigslist and I met her at her house. Right. Got it.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Yeah. The thing is, I got sick even though we also did it in the shower. It didn't help at all. You did it in the shower.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Well, we started in the shower. We moved over to the air mattress. And to be perfectly honest, you... Oh, here we go.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
To be perfectly honest. Well, it was... Well, I mean, I don't know if I can make this any worse.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Whose idea was that? I was living in Albany. It was over the summer, so nobody was there. Upstate New York. Yeah, I knew I was going to need something for later. You know what I mean? So you asked her permission to film? Yes.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
About three quarters of a mile, something like that. Wow. So not far. Yeah, not far. Two blocks, something like that, you know, not bad.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Well, basically, I figured out right now it's all about the arbitraging. It's all about the what? So you just bet both sides. You automatically win like a dollar or two, and you just keep rolling it over.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I don't know what to fucking do with this guy. It's the greatest interview of all time. You want to hear a quick story about how I saved someone's life? Yes! Yes! So me and my first pitbull are walking down by the river. And I'm looking for my cell phone, because I lost it.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
And it's nighttime, and I want to ask someone if I can call, like, my phone and their phone, but they don't want to do that because it's nighttime and stuff. So I see this one guy, and I want to ask him, but I don't. And then I'm walking by the river, and I see this body floating in the river. And I was like, oh, my gosh. I run back to the guy.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I'm like, hey, we've got to call the ambulance and stuff. And he's like, all right. He doesn't believe me necessarily. So we go back to the river. No one's there, but they float onto the pier. So I'm like, it's like February, and it's like really cold, and I'm like, she'd probably freeze her in there.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
So what I did was I took off all my clothes, and I just started going into the river, and it was the Hudson River, so I was kind of like, I've never been in here, I don't know how deep it is, but... Like... So I just thought, I get in there and she must've been like at least 250, but like in the water, I could still move her. And like, I'm getting her up on like the rocks and stuff.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
The guys helped me get her up and stuff. We get my dog on top, we're trying to warm her up. And then like, the thing is though, is like, When the fire department came and all the ambulance and stuff, I was so proud to tell them who I was and stuff. But the person who helped me, he's like, my name is Vivian. And I'm like, whoa. Because the only thing I wanted was for a hot chick to see this.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
And I'm like, bro, are you a hot chick, though? And he was like, yeah, I'm transgender. And he's like, yeah, I came to the river to kill myself, too. But this is my It's a Wonderful Life moment, so I'm not going to do it. And I'm like, that's pretty sweet. That's pretty sweet.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Oh, I told you. I told you about that. All right, so it's basically the black version of Ed, Edd n Eddy.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Okay. So, basically, it's called Nig, Nigga, Nigga. Thank you. Keep going.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
So, it... The episode four is my favorite because it has a Buzz Lightyear. Remember when Buzz Lightyear was Mrs. Nesbitt? Sure. Everyone forgets about that, but I have this whole bit about how Buzz Lightyear comes back to see his friends and he's just missing an arm and he's wearing a girl hat and an apron.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
And then all the characters are like, we gotta get out of here before Buzz infects us with his gay. Before we know it, we'll all have our arms at our socket wearing a lady hat. And then you see Mr. Potato Head missing an arm. You're like, hey boys, I've always been Mrs. Potato Head. Where can people find these cartoons at? Plug it. So you gotta go to, you gotta go to, what the hell's my name?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Alex Tarshew? Yeah, but right now it's Purebred Retard on YouTube.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Well, I used to be in bread retard. And then that got me in a lot of trouble, like, on Instagram and stuff.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
You know, for a long time, I would Google, like, why do I have a mini pinky? But I didn't know how to spell pinky. Like, I usually do, like, P-I-N-K, like, Y or something like that, or I-E. I don't remember, but, like, I can't really spell that well. You spelled it wrong. I couldn't spell pinky for a long time. You're a bad speller? Yeah, yeah.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I got four right now, working on part five. Hell yeah. Incredible.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Hey, you want to see the feast they've just done? The what? You want to see the best part? Yeah. Hey, look at my shoe. Look at my shoe. Ready? What? What, is your shoe broken?