Alex Tarshun
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
Thank you, thank you. I've been going to the gym a lot lately. I've been trying to make my workouts pertain to things I would do in real life. So every time I do a squat, I make sure to also lift my ball sack and cough. I didn't always used to be this big. I used to be really small. That was when my dad was getting the best of me. He said these beatings were preparing me for life.
Thank you, thank you. I've been going to the gym a lot lately. I've been trying to make my workouts pertain to things I would do in real life. So every time I do a squat, I make sure to also lift my ball sack and cough. I didn't always used to be this big. I used to be really small. That was when my dad was getting the best of me. He said these beatings were preparing me for life.
You know, for all the other 40 year olds who are gonna hit me with a belt and a shoe. You know, the thing is though, he actually didn't own a belt. So we'd have to go to the clothing store and he'd hit me with one there. You know, it might sound bad, but I guarantee you, every time he hit me with a belt, he always did it in goodwill. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
You know, for all the other 40 year olds who are gonna hit me with a belt and a shoe. You know, the thing is though, he actually didn't own a belt. So we'd have to go to the clothing store and he'd hit me with one there. You know, it might sound bad, but I guarantee you, every time he hit me with a belt, he always did it in goodwill. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Right? You know. I know that Harry Truman was killed by a volcano.
Right? You know. I know that Harry Truman was killed by a volcano.
Where did you learn that at? I was just scrolling Instagram. It just popped up.
Where did you learn that at? I was just scrolling Instagram. It just popped up.
Yeah. One do-rag, no socks. That's the game.
Yeah. One do-rag, no socks. That's the game.
Yeah, I do delivery driving, and I also, because I actually play the trumpet while I drive, because you only need one hand for it.
Yeah, I do delivery driving, and I also, because I actually play the trumpet while I drive, because you only need one hand for it.
Yeah, I play the trumpet while I drive, and I use a little flap, like the sun visor, put the music on it. so I can kind of read it.
Yeah, I play the trumpet while I drive, and I use a little flap, like the sun visor, put the music on it. so I can kind of read it.
I was hoping to trumpet off your trumpet player.
I was hoping to trumpet off your trumpet player.
Somebody just handed me that trumpet. I was just driving around playing, and this guy was like, I've been looking for someone to give my trumpet to, and he's like, well, I guess you're the only guy. So I was like, all right. That trumpet's actually really expensive, too. How do you know that? Well, I looked it up.
Somebody just handed me that trumpet. I was just driving around playing, and this guy was like, I've been looking for someone to give my trumpet to, and he's like, well, I guess you're the only guy. So I was like, all right. That trumpet's actually really expensive, too. How do you know that? Well, I looked it up.
I eventually looked it up, and it's like, he said he was giving away all his possessions and then moving to Thailand. Which we know what that means.
I eventually looked it up, and it's like, he said he was giving away all his possessions and then moving to Thailand. Which we know what that means.
Well, there's a thing that we don't like to talk about that we all do sometimes. Wait, wait, wait. Go ahead. It's okay.
Well, there's a thing that we don't like to talk about that we all do sometimes. Wait, wait, wait. Go ahead. It's okay.
Well, sometimes you go on skip lag and you just want to see how much it would cost if you want to travel around the world and have your dreams come true.
Well, sometimes you go on skip lag and you just want to see how much it would cost if you want to travel around the world and have your dreams come true.
Well, I kind of texted my ex-girlfriend. I was like, I got on Keltoni's. I thought it would be kind of weird if she just saw me randomly.
Well, I kind of texted my ex-girlfriend. I was like, I got on Keltoni's. I thought it would be kind of weird if she just saw me randomly.
Yeah, I just said, like, just give me a call, which I guess is like an emergency or something.
Yeah, I just said, like, just give me a call, which I guess is like an emergency or something.
Oh, well, you know, I used to have a heart. You know, I used to be in love. And then what happened? And then... And then I got fired from my job.
Oh, well, you know, I used to have a heart. You know, I used to be in love. And then what happened? And then... And then I got fired from my job.
Oh, and then it was just a series of just... Since the last time I saw her, I had two guns get pulled on me at different occasions. I went to jail a couple times, just for a weekend. Just for a weekend. You got a gun pulled on you and you went to jail? I got a gun pulled on me in Portland.
Oh, and then it was just a series of just... Since the last time I saw her, I had two guns get pulled on me at different occasions. I went to jail a couple times, just for a weekend. Just for a weekend. You got a gun pulled on you and you went to jail? I got a gun pulled on me in Portland.
And then immediately the first thing I did was tell this guy a Prophet Muhammad joke while he was pointing at me. I was like, all right, this is the time.
And then immediately the first thing I did was tell this guy a Prophet Muhammad joke while he was pointing at me. I was like, all right, this is the time.
Well, what I said was, hey, you want to hear a joke? Okay.
Well, what I said was, hey, you want to hear a joke? Okay.
I said, you know, in the religion of Islam, it's forbidden to draw the Prophet Muhammad. It doesn't say nothing about drawing his twin brother Billy, though. By the way, he's fraternal. He's fraternal. You know?
I said, you know, in the religion of Islam, it's forbidden to draw the Prophet Muhammad. It doesn't say nothing about drawing his twin brother Billy, though. By the way, he's fraternal. He's fraternal. You know?
Oh, and then I saw this lady walking around, and I was like, you never believe this. She had a gun pulled on me. She's like, what did you do? I said, I told him a joke. A Prophet Muhammad joke. And she goes, why? I'm like, that's comedy, right? And then she was like, no, it's not. And I was like, oh. And she's like, I'm actually in the circuit. I know what comedy is. And I was like, all right.
Oh, and then I saw this lady walking around, and I was like, you never believe this. She had a gun pulled on me. She's like, what did you do? I said, I told him a joke. A Prophet Muhammad joke. And she goes, why? I'm like, that's comedy, right? And then she was like, no, it's not. And I was like, oh. And she's like, I'm actually in the circuit. I know what comedy is. And I was like, all right.
I finally got closure, though. Uh-huh. Because I told her I got on Kill Tony. And she was like, good for you, but. You know, he's a bad man.
I finally got closure, though. Uh-huh. Because I told her I got on Kill Tony. And she was like, good for you, but. You know, he's a bad man.
Well, Monday was good for me, last Monday. Tuesday was kind of rough. Uh-huh.
Well, Monday was good for me, last Monday. Tuesday was kind of rough. Uh-huh.
I got a phone call from my apartment, and they were just like, so we heard you had eight dogs. We just wanted to know when you're leaving. And I was like, all right, well, you know, it's been a long week. I got a couple of new apartments lined up. New strategy for a new apartment, just going to lie.
I got a phone call from my apartment, and they were just like, so we heard you had eight dogs. We just wanted to know when you're leaving. And I was like, all right, well, you know, it's been a long week. I got a couple of new apartments lined up. New strategy for a new apartment, just going to lie.
Well, it's because I got home so late that it was just like screeches and squeals for like a couple hours.
Well, it's because I got home so late that it was just like screeches and squeals for like a couple hours.
Well, first off, my chances of being a public school teacher are plummeting. Why?
Well, first off, my chances of being a public school teacher are plummeting. Why?
I was working on my teaching certificate, like, thinking, like, I'm going to get somewhere off to hang out with my dogs. And then I was just like, like, There's something about saying nigga on stage. It's just not gonna work for me, you know?
I was working on my teaching certificate, like, thinking, like, I'm going to get somewhere off to hang out with my dogs. And then I was just like, like, There's something about saying nigga on stage. It's just not gonna work for me, you know?
No, I'm like black and like moulinon.
No, I'm like black and like moulinon.
Well, I think, I mean, like, if you just Google me, like, it just comes up that, like, I prank phone called the suicide hotline by accident. Really? Yeah, like, if you Google me already, like, there's, like, it's already, like, it was already dicey, like, to think that I'd get the job in the first place.
Well, I think, I mean, like, if you just Google me, like, it just comes up that, like, I prank phone called the suicide hotline by accident. Really? Yeah, like, if you Google me already, like, there's, like, it's already, like, it was already dicey, like, to think that I'd get the job in the first place.
Well, like, basically, like, I had shoulder surgery, making excuses for myself. I was kind of on pills and stuff. I had a big old slink and everything. And I was just like, that would be funny. I was watching Crank Yankers. And I was like, oh, Crank Yankers. I should make prank phone calls. That would be funny. That would be good content.
Well, like, basically, like, I had shoulder surgery, making excuses for myself. I was kind of on pills and stuff. I had a big old slink and everything. And I was just like, that would be funny. I was watching Crank Yankers. And I was like, oh, Crank Yankers. I should make prank phone calls. That would be funny. That would be good content.
And what I did was I just called up the Suicide Hotline and was just like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. And then I put the two house phones together to make that robot squeal. And then, like, my brother came in. He's like, oh, hey, Peter, what are you doing? You know, like, oh, no, Peter, what happened? And he just goes to the phone. He's like, why did you do this to Peter?
And what I did was I just called up the Suicide Hotline and was just like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. And then I put the two house phones together to make that robot squeal. And then, like, my brother came in. He's like, oh, hey, Peter, what are you doing? You know, like, oh, no, Peter, what happened? And he just goes to the phone. He's like, why did you do this to Peter?
And then, like, an hour later, I'm, like, making eggs. Like, wow, that was pretty funny.
And then, like, an hour later, I'm, like, making eggs. Like, wow, that was pretty funny.
Is there some French in the bloodline? Yeah, we used to be a French colony. You used to be? My dad's country, yeah. What was your dad's country again? Tunisia. Oh, wow. Tunisia. You know what Tunisia... There you got me.
Is there some French in the bloodline? Yeah, we used to be a French colony. You used to be? My dad's country, yeah. What was your dad's country again? Tunisia. Oh, wow. Tunisia. You know what Tunisia... There you got me.
No, I had to delete the audio too, but it's like a... They wouldn't take down the article because the company went out of business. So it's just kind of stuck there.
No, I had to delete the audio too, but it's like a... They wouldn't take down the article because the company went out of business. So it's just kind of stuck there.
Bravo! True art! I had an arrest one time where I had a 60-year charge. That was like a class X felony in the Illinois.
Bravo! True art! I had an arrest one time where I had a 60-year charge. That was like a class X felony in the Illinois.
So basically, my friend was like, I'm going to go mule. My friend was like, I'm going to go mule, like, a bunch of weed across the country. And I was like, I'm not doing anything. Like, I'll go hang out. Like, I'll go for the ride.
So basically, my friend was like, I'm going to go mule. My friend was like, I'm going to go mule, like, a bunch of weed across the country. And I was like, I'm not doing anything. Like, I'll go hang out. Like, I'll go for the ride.
Yeah, yeah. Wow, okay. Yeah, and then, like, the thing is, like, we had a driver who was, you know, like, kind of on the spectrum a little bit. Like, not in a bad way, but, like, for this, it was terrible. Because, like, I was in the front seat just, like, taking a nap. And the cop was knocking on my window. I'm like, how does the cop waken me up? You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah. Wow, okay. Yeah, and then, like, the thing is, like, we had a driver who was, you know, like, kind of on the spectrum a little bit. Like, not in a bad way, but, like, for this, it was terrible. Because, like, I was in the front seat just, like, taking a nap. And the cop was knocking on my window. I'm like, how does the cop waken me up? You know what I mean?
But right before bed, I was braiding my hair. Right before I went to sleep. In the car. Yeah, I was braiding my hair just thinking, well, if I get arrested, I want to have a good mug shot. And then I actually did wake up to a cop on the window, and I was like, oh, shit.
But right before bed, I was braiding my hair. Right before I went to sleep. In the car. Yeah, I was braiding my hair just thinking, well, if I get arrested, I want to have a good mug shot. And then I actually did wake up to a cop on the window, and I was like, oh, shit.
If you go on my YouTube, it's like the opening for my cartoons.
If you go on my YouTube, it's like the opening for my cartoons.
So basically, it's the black version of Ed, Edd, and Eddie.
So basically, it's the black version of Ed, Edd, and Eddie.
Uh... Not really. Who's it for? It's just for people who just like comedy and stuff, not too sensitive and shit, you know?
Uh... Not really. Who's it for? It's just for people who just like comedy and stuff, not too sensitive and shit, you know?
Uh, everybody at the same time. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's just Nig-Nigga-Nigga. What was it? Nig-Nigga-Nigga.
Uh, everybody at the same time. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's just Nig-Nigga-Nigga. What was it? Nig-Nigga-Nigga.
You can get a good peek at this. We got the old alligator mouth.
You can get a good peek at this. We got the old alligator mouth.
I asked ChatGPT if I should wear socks, and he said yes.
I asked ChatGPT if I should wear socks, and he said yes.
They feel great. I feel like it's a good color. They really match your do-rag, bro. That's like a good look. My hair gets really frizzy because of the hot heat around here. Yeah. So I try to keep the, you know, kind of moisture in.
They feel great. I feel like it's a good color. They really match your do-rag, bro. That's like a good look. My hair gets really frizzy because of the hot heat around here. Yeah. So I try to keep the, you know, kind of moisture in.
Can we throw them over to, like, the telephone line?
Can we throw them over to, like, the telephone line?
So I'm not transgender right now, but I am thinking about it. So I might be a translator. I'm actually kind of odd. I'm odd like an eight ball. I'm even, black. I'm even black. I got this odd problem I'm trying to figure out. So there's three planes that depart from a Boston airport within a 20 minute window and collide with a building each. Now if X represents the plane that hit the Pentagon,
So I'm not transgender right now, but I am thinking about it. So I might be a translator. I'm actually kind of odd. I'm odd like an eight ball. I'm even, black. I'm even black. I got this odd problem I'm trying to figure out. So there's three planes that depart from a Boston airport within a 20 minute window and collide with a building each. Now if X represents the plane that hit the Pentagon,
I'm trying to solve for why the government won't show me the footage. 20 years, still figuring it out, you know? Thank you.
I'm trying to solve for why the government won't show me the footage. 20 years, still figuring it out, you know? Thank you.
I'm African-Italian. A lot of Sicilian in there, too.
I'm African-Italian. A lot of Sicilian in there, too.
Mostly New York. Okay. A little bit of Portland. Didn't work out well.
Mostly New York. Okay. A little bit of Portland. Didn't work out well.
Well, you know what? I've been trying to sign up for a while, and I keep trying different things. Like, I actually just gave up on socks completely. Hold on a second.
Well, you know what? I've been trying to sign up for a while, and I keep trying different things. Like, I actually just gave up on socks completely. Hold on a second.
Well, I kept wearing like pants and like clothes and stuff. And I was like, you know what? It's not working.
Well, I kept wearing like pants and like clothes and stuff. And I was like, you know what? It's not working.
It's been about 20 months.
It's been about 20 months.
Yeah, I usually like to wear a hat for that big I'm black reveal. You know?
Yeah, I usually like to wear a hat for that big I'm black reveal. You know?
I'm actually second generation inbred. Explain to us exactly what you mean. All right, so I don't know if you can see it from here, but I got this mini pinky.
I'm actually second generation inbred. Explain to us exactly what you mean. All right, so I don't know if you can see it from here, but I got this mini pinky.
Yeah, so my dad's parents were related, but not my parents.
Yeah, so my dad's parents were related, but not my parents.
No, on the black side. What? Bacon soda! What? Well, technically, most Sicilians are kind of, you know, because it's an island. You know, so it's a lot of, you know... My only problem is the pinky. Trust me, it's just the pinky.
No, on the black side. What? Bacon soda! What? Well, technically, most Sicilians are kind of, you know, because it's an island. You know, so it's a lot of, you know... My only problem is the pinky. Trust me, it's just the pinky.
So, do you have brothers and sisters? Four. Four? Three brothers, one sister. And I got eight dogs, too. Do they have some things wrong with them? My younger brother's on steroids. That's not... He's trying to grow his pinky.
So, do you have brothers and sisters? Four. Four? Three brothers, one sister. And I got eight dogs, too. Do they have some things wrong with them? My younger brother's on steroids. That's not... He's trying to grow his pinky.
Well, he's got, like, body dysmorphia. Uh-huh. And he thinks that's going to win his, you know... his girlfriend back or something.
Well, he's got, like, body dysmorphia. Uh-huh. And he thinks that's going to win his, you know... his girlfriend back or something.
No, we're good friends. Okay.
No, we're good friends. Okay.
You got anything you'd like to say about people you don't like? You know, I got, my best friend's Adam J. And then Andrew Guarino. Just want to shout him out. Love those guys. Don't do that. Sorry.
You got anything you'd like to say about people you don't like? You know, I got, my best friend's Adam J. And then Andrew Guarino. Just want to shout him out. Love those guys. Don't do that. Sorry.
So the crazy thing is I just left my two dogs alone for a while. And then they just like, I thought my little dog was just getting fat.
So the crazy thing is I just left my two dogs alone for a while. And then they just like, I thought my little dog was just getting fat.
No, they're great though. They're cool. They're really sweet.
No, they're great though. They're cool. They're really sweet.
So I have to get, like, emotional service, like, it's like a doctor's note for eight dogs, because you can't have more than, like, you can't have more than, like, five dogs in Austin.
So I have to get, like, emotional service, like, it's like a doctor's note for eight dogs, because you can't have more than, like, you can't have more than, like, five dogs in Austin.
So you're teaching them how to fight? Well, one of them bit the other one's tail today. So apparently it's something called litter mate syndrome, where they're just automatically going to start fighting. Because normally people don't keep their dogs together like that. You don't even need to train them. Look at that.
So you're teaching them how to fight? Well, one of them bit the other one's tail today. So apparently it's something called litter mate syndrome, where they're just automatically going to start fighting. Because normally people don't keep their dogs together like that. You don't even need to train them. Look at that.
Why is Porky your favorite? Porky was the only brown one. Everyone else is black.
Why is Porky your favorite? Porky was the only brown one. Everyone else is black.
The hard part about my blackness is nobody believes me.
The hard part about my blackness is nobody believes me.
I do Jets pizza delivery on South Lamar.
I do Jets pizza delivery on South Lamar.
We're giving away free pizzas. How are you doing that? Explain to us. I talked to my boss. He said if I got on, we could give away free pizzas.
We're giving away free pizzas. How are you doing that? Explain to us. I talked to my boss. He said if I got on, we could give away free pizzas.
If you don't wear socks... Just show up to South Lamar Jets Pizza and ask for a big win. Is that you? That's my boss, Mr. Wynn. Wow.
If you don't wear socks... Just show up to South Lamar Jets Pizza and ask for a big win. Is that you? That's my boss, Mr. Wynn. Wow.
I'm just hoping for a big delivery, a lot of tips. Hell yeah.
I'm just hoping for a big delivery, a lot of tips. Hell yeah.
Well, personally, I'm going off the rails. I'm losing it.
Well, personally, I'm going off the rails. I'm losing it.
So tell us, tell the people what it's like. So basically, I've come to a conclusion that basically women, they all say they're different, but they all sound the same. So that's why I've only been going after deaf women. You know what I mean?
So tell us, tell the people what it's like. So basically, I've come to a conclusion that basically women, they all say they're different, but they all sound the same. So that's why I've only been going after deaf women. You know what I mean?
So basically, I was at, like, Rock Bottom one day. Uh-huh. Which is not far from right now, actually. Wait, you... Okay.
So basically, I was at, like, Rock Bottom one day. Uh-huh. Which is not far from right now, actually. Wait, you... Okay.
So I was, like... Before we move on, why were you at Rock Bottom? So I had a... I fell on my knee on the sidewalk, and it got infected, and the infection went to my face. Okay. It was a staph infection? It was like, I don't know. I was on antibiotics. I don't remember exactly what it was, but it was actually pretty bad.
So I was, like... Before we move on, why were you at Rock Bottom? So I had a... I fell on my knee on the sidewalk, and it got infected, and the infection went to my face. Okay. It was a staph infection? It was like, I don't know. I was on antibiotics. I don't remember exactly what it was, but it was actually pretty bad.
It started getting all red and puffy.
It started getting all red and puffy.
And how long did you... Was it after the fall on the knee in which your face... The fall on the knee, I didn't know because it was such a big collision and it got cellulose or cellulitis or something like that. It was a deep infection.
And how long did you... Was it after the fall on the knee in which your face... The fall on the knee, I didn't know because it was such a big collision and it got cellulose or cellulitis or something like that. It was a deep infection.
Yeah, I just had my car got stolen because I'm living in Portland. Oh, Portland. That's come up a few times tonight. And I was limping to go get some free food from the pantry. And all of a sudden there's this beautiful woman and she's holding, this is a true story, she's holding like a pile of money in her hands. And she just goes, do you want any money?
Yeah, I just had my car got stolen because I'm living in Portland. Oh, Portland. That's come up a few times tonight. And I was limping to go get some free food from the pantry. And all of a sudden there's this beautiful woman and she's holding, this is a true story, she's holding like a pile of money in her hands. And she just goes, do you want any money?
I said, well, a couple things. I was like, you kind of caught me at a bad time. You told her that? Yeah, it's not a great time for me. Like, you know, but I said, one day I'm going to be on TV. When you see me on TV, you give me a call. And she said, okay, bye. See you on TV. You gave her your number? Nope. Well, how would she give you a call? Well, I was hoping she'd see me on TV.
I said, well, a couple things. I was like, you kind of caught me at a bad time. You told her that? Yeah, it's not a great time for me. Like, you know, but I said, one day I'm going to be on TV. When you see me on TV, you give me a call. And she said, okay, bye. See you on TV. You gave her your number? Nope. Well, how would she give you a call? Well, I was hoping she'd see me on TV.
Well, I figured while I'm getting through my phase of having no money and eight dogs, I'd get to the point where I could finally have a relationship. You know what I mean? Now's not a good time for me. You know what I'm saying?
Well, I figured while I'm getting through my phase of having no money and eight dogs, I'd get to the point where I could finally have a relationship. You know what I mean? Now's not a good time for me. You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't find a lot of women like that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't find a lot of women like that.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Well, it's nice meeting y'all.
Well, it's nice meeting y'all.
No. Basically, I thought for myself, same day I was like, well, because she was offering me money, I was like, this is pretty sweet. And then later on, I'm walking to the grocery store, like, And I sit down, and, like, some other woman, like, offers me money. And I was like, well, it wasn't the same, because, like, she thought I was homeless. And I was like, all right.
No. Basically, I thought for myself, same day I was like, well, because she was offering me money, I was like, this is pretty sweet. And then later on, I'm walking to the grocery store, like, And I sit down, and, like, some other woman, like, offers me money. And I was like, well, it wasn't the same, because, like, she thought I was homeless. And I was like, all right.
So, like, it's not just that she was offering me money, you know?
So, like, it's not just that she was offering me money, you know?
No, no. And also, she was black, too, so I wasn't really feeling it. You're not into black women? No, not really.
No, no. And also, she was black, too, so I wasn't really feeling it. You're not into black women? No, not really.
Yeah, one time. What did you not, what was it that stood out to you? She had a really nice afro. I thought she was pretty, but she also had, like, some kind of, like, like, I ended up, like, kind of getting sick afterwards.
Yeah, one time. What did you not, what was it that stood out to you? She had a really nice afro. I thought she was pretty, but she also had, like, some kind of, like, like, I ended up, like, kind of getting sick afterwards.
It was basically a couple hours into this and my air mattress was already mostly deflated. ... And she just starts coughing. And I'm like, you all right? And she's like, no, I'm kind of getting over something. And I'm like, ah, jeez, I'm kind of getting over something. And then all of a sudden, like, I was just sick for, like, another week. And I'm like, this sucks. So that was it. Wow.
It was basically a couple hours into this and my air mattress was already mostly deflated. ... And she just starts coughing. And I'm like, you all right? And she's like, no, I'm kind of getting over something. And I'm like, ah, jeez, I'm kind of getting over something. And then all of a sudden, like, I was just sick for, like, another week. And I'm like, this sucks. So that was it. Wow.
And then there was one, there was one, there was one, everyone has one giant fat black lady off Craigslist, but that doesn't count. Wait, she was off Craigslist? No, I mean, it doesn't really count. Where did you meet her at? Well, I met her at my... I met her at her house. You got to understand, it was Albany. It was Albany. I didn't have a chance.
And then there was one, there was one, there was one, everyone has one giant fat black lady off Craigslist, but that doesn't count. Wait, she was off Craigslist? No, I mean, it doesn't really count. Where did you meet her at? Well, I met her at my... I met her at her house. You got to understand, it was Albany. It was Albany. I didn't have a chance.
Well, yeah, but I found her on Craigslist and I met her at her house. Right. Got it.
Well, yeah, but I found her on Craigslist and I met her at her house. Right. Got it.
Yeah. The thing is, I got sick even though we also did it in the shower. It didn't help at all. You did it in the shower.
Yeah. The thing is, I got sick even though we also did it in the shower. It didn't help at all. You did it in the shower.
Well, we started in the shower. We moved over to the air mattress. And to be perfectly honest, you... Oh, here we go.
Well, we started in the shower. We moved over to the air mattress. And to be perfectly honest, you... Oh, here we go.
To be perfectly honest. Well, it was... Well, I mean, I don't know if I can make this any worse.
To be perfectly honest. Well, it was... Well, I mean, I don't know if I can make this any worse.
Whose idea was that? I was living in Albany. It was over the summer, so nobody was there. Upstate New York. Yeah, I knew I was going to need something for later. You know what I mean? So you asked her permission to film? Yes.
Whose idea was that? I was living in Albany. It was over the summer, so nobody was there. Upstate New York. Yeah, I knew I was going to need something for later. You know what I mean? So you asked her permission to film? Yes.
We went back to my house.
We went back to my house.
Well, I mean, that's kind of where I live.
Well, I mean, that's kind of where I live.
About three quarters of a mile, something like that. Wow. So not far. Yeah, not far. Two blocks, something like that, you know, not bad.
About three quarters of a mile, something like that. Wow. So not far. Yeah, not far. Two blocks, something like that, you know, not bad.
Well, basically, I figured out right now it's all about the arbitraging. It's all about the what? So you just bet both sides. You automatically win like a dollar or two, and you just keep rolling it over.
Well, basically, I figured out right now it's all about the arbitraging. It's all about the what? So you just bet both sides. You automatically win like a dollar or two, and you just keep rolling it over.
I don't know what to fucking do with this guy. It's the greatest interview of all time. You want to hear a quick story about how I saved someone's life? Yes! Yes! So me and my first pitbull are walking down by the river. And I'm looking for my cell phone, because I lost it.
I don't know what to fucking do with this guy. It's the greatest interview of all time. You want to hear a quick story about how I saved someone's life? Yes! Yes! So me and my first pitbull are walking down by the river. And I'm looking for my cell phone, because I lost it.
And it's nighttime, and I want to ask someone if I can call, like, my phone and their phone, but they don't want to do that because it's nighttime and stuff. So I see this one guy, and I want to ask him, but I don't. And then I'm walking by the river, and I see this body floating in the river. And I was like, oh, my gosh. I run back to the guy.
And it's nighttime, and I want to ask someone if I can call, like, my phone and their phone, but they don't want to do that because it's nighttime and stuff. So I see this one guy, and I want to ask him, but I don't. And then I'm walking by the river, and I see this body floating in the river. And I was like, oh, my gosh. I run back to the guy.
I'm like, hey, we've got to call the ambulance and stuff. And he's like, all right. He doesn't believe me necessarily. So we go back to the river. No one's there, but they float onto the pier. So I'm like, it's like February, and it's like really cold, and I'm like, she'd probably freeze her in there.
I'm like, hey, we've got to call the ambulance and stuff. And he's like, all right. He doesn't believe me necessarily. So we go back to the river. No one's there, but they float onto the pier. So I'm like, it's like February, and it's like really cold, and I'm like, she'd probably freeze her in there.
So what I did was I took off all my clothes, and I just started going into the river, and it was the Hudson River, so I was kind of like, I've never been in here, I don't know how deep it is, but... Like... So I just thought, I get in there and she must've been like at least 250, but like in the water, I could still move her. And like, I'm getting her up on like the rocks and stuff.
So what I did was I took off all my clothes, and I just started going into the river, and it was the Hudson River, so I was kind of like, I've never been in here, I don't know how deep it is, but... Like... So I just thought, I get in there and she must've been like at least 250, but like in the water, I could still move her. And like, I'm getting her up on like the rocks and stuff.
The guys helped me get her up and stuff. We get my dog on top, we're trying to warm her up. And then like, the thing is though, is like, When the fire department came and all the ambulance and stuff, I was so proud to tell them who I was and stuff. But the person who helped me, he's like, my name is Vivian. And I'm like, whoa. Because the only thing I wanted was for a hot chick to see this.
The guys helped me get her up and stuff. We get my dog on top, we're trying to warm her up. And then like, the thing is though, is like, When the fire department came and all the ambulance and stuff, I was so proud to tell them who I was and stuff. But the person who helped me, he's like, my name is Vivian. And I'm like, whoa. Because the only thing I wanted was for a hot chick to see this.
And I'm like, bro, are you a hot chick, though? And he was like, yeah, I'm transgender. And he's like, yeah, I came to the river to kill myself, too. But this is my It's a Wonderful Life moment, so I'm not going to do it. And I'm like, that's pretty sweet. That's pretty sweet.
And I'm like, bro, are you a hot chick, though? And he was like, yeah, I'm transgender. And he's like, yeah, I came to the river to kill myself, too. But this is my It's a Wonderful Life moment, so I'm not going to do it. And I'm like, that's pretty sweet. That's pretty sweet.
Oh, I told you. I told you about that. All right, so it's basically the black version of Ed, Edd n Eddy.
Oh, I told you. I told you about that. All right, so it's basically the black version of Ed, Edd n Eddy.
Okay. So, basically, it's called Nig, Nigga, Nigga. Thank you. Keep going.
Okay. So, basically, it's called Nig, Nigga, Nigga. Thank you. Keep going.
So, it... The episode four is my favorite because it has a Buzz Lightyear. Remember when Buzz Lightyear was Mrs. Nesbitt? Sure. Everyone forgets about that, but I have this whole bit about how Buzz Lightyear comes back to see his friends and he's just missing an arm and he's wearing a girl hat and an apron.
So, it... The episode four is my favorite because it has a Buzz Lightyear. Remember when Buzz Lightyear was Mrs. Nesbitt? Sure. Everyone forgets about that, but I have this whole bit about how Buzz Lightyear comes back to see his friends and he's just missing an arm and he's wearing a girl hat and an apron.
And then all the characters are like, we gotta get out of here before Buzz infects us with his gay. Before we know it, we'll all have our arms at our socket wearing a lady hat. And then you see Mr. Potato Head missing an arm. You're like, hey boys, I've always been Mrs. Potato Head. Where can people find these cartoons at? Plug it. So you gotta go to, you gotta go to, what the hell's my name?
And then all the characters are like, we gotta get out of here before Buzz infects us with his gay. Before we know it, we'll all have our arms at our socket wearing a lady hat. And then you see Mr. Potato Head missing an arm. You're like, hey boys, I've always been Mrs. Potato Head. Where can people find these cartoons at? Plug it. So you gotta go to, you gotta go to, what the hell's my name?
Alex Tarshew? Yeah, but right now it's Purebred Retard on YouTube.
Alex Tarshew? Yeah, but right now it's Purebred Retard on YouTube.
Well, I used to be in bread retard. And then that got me in a lot of trouble, like, on Instagram and stuff.
Well, I used to be in bread retard. And then that got me in a lot of trouble, like, on Instagram and stuff.
You know, for a long time, I would Google, like, why do I have a mini pinky? But I didn't know how to spell pinky. Like, I usually do, like, P-I-N-K, like, Y or something like that, or I-E. I don't remember, but, like, I can't really spell that well. You spelled it wrong. I couldn't spell pinky for a long time. You're a bad speller? Yeah, yeah.
You know, for a long time, I would Google, like, why do I have a mini pinky? But I didn't know how to spell pinky. Like, I usually do, like, P-I-N-K, like, Y or something like that, or I-E. I don't remember, but, like, I can't really spell that well. You spelled it wrong. I couldn't spell pinky for a long time. You're a bad speller? Yeah, yeah.
I got four right now, working on part five. Hell yeah. Incredible.
I got four right now, working on part five. Hell yeah. Incredible.
Hey, you want to see the feast they've just done? The what? You want to see the best part? Yeah. Hey, look at my shoe. Look at my shoe. Ready? What? What, is your shoe broken?
Hey, you want to see the feast they've just done? The what? You want to see the best part? Yeah. Hey, look at my shoe. Look at my shoe. Ready? What? What, is your shoe broken?
What size shoe do you wear? Uh, 10. Really? Yeah.
What size shoe do you wear? Uh, 10. Really? Yeah.
Alex, let me ask you a question.
Alex, let me ask you a question.
I'd probably bring her to my van.
I'd probably bring her to my van.
Thank you, thank you. I've been going to the gym a lot lately. I've been trying to make my workouts pertain to things I would do in real life. So every time I do a squat, I make sure to also lift my ball sack and cough. I didn't always used to be this big. I used to be really small. That was when my dad was getting the best of me. He said these beatings were preparing me for life.
You know, for all the other 40 year olds who are gonna hit me with a belt and a shoe. You know, the thing is though, he actually didn't own a belt. So we'd have to go to the clothing store and he'd hit me with one there. You know, it might sound bad, but I guarantee you, every time he hit me with a belt, he always did it in goodwill. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Right? You know. I know that Harry Truman was killed by a volcano.
Where did you learn that at? I was just scrolling Instagram. It just popped up.
Yeah. One do-rag, no socks. That's the game.
Yeah, I do delivery driving, and I also, because I actually play the trumpet while I drive, because you only need one hand for it.
Yeah, I play the trumpet while I drive, and I use a little flap, like the sun visor, put the music on it. so I can kind of read it.
I was hoping to trumpet off your trumpet player.
Somebody just handed me that trumpet. I was just driving around playing, and this guy was like, I've been looking for someone to give my trumpet to, and he's like, well, I guess you're the only guy. So I was like, all right. That trumpet's actually really expensive, too. How do you know that? Well, I looked it up.
I eventually looked it up, and it's like, he said he was giving away all his possessions and then moving to Thailand. Which we know what that means.
Well, there's a thing that we don't like to talk about that we all do sometimes. Wait, wait, wait. Go ahead. It's okay.
Well, sometimes you go on skip lag and you just want to see how much it would cost if you want to travel around the world and have your dreams come true.
Well, I kind of texted my ex-girlfriend. I was like, I got on Keltoni's. I thought it would be kind of weird if she just saw me randomly.
Yeah, I just said, like, just give me a call, which I guess is like an emergency or something.
Oh, well, you know, I used to have a heart. You know, I used to be in love. And then what happened? And then... And then I got fired from my job.
Oh, and then it was just a series of just... Since the last time I saw her, I had two guns get pulled on me at different occasions. I went to jail a couple times, just for a weekend. Just for a weekend. You got a gun pulled on you and you went to jail? I got a gun pulled on me in Portland.
And then immediately the first thing I did was tell this guy a Prophet Muhammad joke while he was pointing at me. I was like, all right, this is the time.
Well, what I said was, hey, you want to hear a joke? Okay.
I said, you know, in the religion of Islam, it's forbidden to draw the Prophet Muhammad. It doesn't say nothing about drawing his twin brother Billy, though. By the way, he's fraternal. He's fraternal. You know?
Oh, and then I saw this lady walking around, and I was like, you never believe this. She had a gun pulled on me. She's like, what did you do? I said, I told him a joke. A Prophet Muhammad joke. And she goes, why? I'm like, that's comedy, right? And then she was like, no, it's not. And I was like, oh. And she's like, I'm actually in the circuit. I know what comedy is. And I was like, all right.
I finally got closure, though. Uh-huh. Because I told her I got on Kill Tony. And she was like, good for you, but. You know, he's a bad man.
Well, Monday was good for me, last Monday. Tuesday was kind of rough. Uh-huh.
I got a phone call from my apartment, and they were just like, so we heard you had eight dogs. We just wanted to know when you're leaving. And I was like, all right, well, you know, it's been a long week. I got a couple of new apartments lined up. New strategy for a new apartment, just going to lie.
Well, it's because I got home so late that it was just like screeches and squeals for like a couple hours.
Well, first off, my chances of being a public school teacher are plummeting. Why?
I was working on my teaching certificate, like, thinking, like, I'm going to get somewhere off to hang out with my dogs. And then I was just like, like, There's something about saying nigga on stage. It's just not gonna work for me, you know?
No, I'm like black and like moulinon.
Well, I think, I mean, like, if you just Google me, like, it just comes up that, like, I prank phone called the suicide hotline by accident. Really? Yeah, like, if you Google me already, like, there's, like, it's already, like, it was already dicey, like, to think that I'd get the job in the first place.
Well, like, basically, like, I had shoulder surgery, making excuses for myself. I was kind of on pills and stuff. I had a big old slink and everything. And I was just like, that would be funny. I was watching Crank Yankers. And I was like, oh, Crank Yankers. I should make prank phone calls. That would be funny. That would be good content.
And what I did was I just called up the Suicide Hotline and was just like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. And then I put the two house phones together to make that robot squeal. And then, like, my brother came in. He's like, oh, hey, Peter, what are you doing? You know, like, oh, no, Peter, what happened? And he just goes to the phone. He's like, why did you do this to Peter?
And then, like, an hour later, I'm, like, making eggs. Like, wow, that was pretty funny.
Is there some French in the bloodline? Yeah, we used to be a French colony. You used to be? My dad's country, yeah. What was your dad's country again? Tunisia. Oh, wow. Tunisia. You know what Tunisia... There you got me.
No, I had to delete the audio too, but it's like a... They wouldn't take down the article because the company went out of business. So it's just kind of stuck there.
Bravo! True art! I had an arrest one time where I had a 60-year charge. That was like a class X felony in the Illinois.
So basically, my friend was like, I'm going to go mule. My friend was like, I'm going to go mule, like, a bunch of weed across the country. And I was like, I'm not doing anything. Like, I'll go hang out. Like, I'll go for the ride.
Yeah, yeah. Wow, okay. Yeah, and then, like, the thing is, like, we had a driver who was, you know, like, kind of on the spectrum a little bit. Like, not in a bad way, but, like, for this, it was terrible. Because, like, I was in the front seat just, like, taking a nap. And the cop was knocking on my window. I'm like, how does the cop waken me up? You know what I mean?
But right before bed, I was braiding my hair. Right before I went to sleep. In the car. Yeah, I was braiding my hair just thinking, well, if I get arrested, I want to have a good mug shot. And then I actually did wake up to a cop on the window, and I was like, oh, shit.
If you go on my YouTube, it's like the opening for my cartoons.
So basically, it's the black version of Ed, Edd, and Eddie.
Uh... Not really. Who's it for? It's just for people who just like comedy and stuff, not too sensitive and shit, you know?
Uh, everybody at the same time. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's just Nig-Nigga-Nigga. What was it? Nig-Nigga-Nigga.
You can get a good peek at this. We got the old alligator mouth.
I asked ChatGPT if I should wear socks, and he said yes.
They feel great. I feel like it's a good color. They really match your do-rag, bro. That's like a good look. My hair gets really frizzy because of the hot heat around here. Yeah. So I try to keep the, you know, kind of moisture in.
Can we throw them over to, like, the telephone line?
So I'm not transgender right now, but I am thinking about it. So I might be a translator. I'm actually kind of odd. I'm odd like an eight ball. I'm even, black. I'm even black. I got this odd problem I'm trying to figure out. So there's three planes that depart from a Boston airport within a 20 minute window and collide with a building each. Now if X represents the plane that hit the Pentagon,
I'm trying to solve for why the government won't show me the footage. 20 years, still figuring it out, you know? Thank you.
I'm African-Italian. A lot of Sicilian in there, too.
Mostly New York. Okay. A little bit of Portland. Didn't work out well.
Well, you know what? I've been trying to sign up for a while, and I keep trying different things. Like, I actually just gave up on socks completely. Hold on a second.
Well, I kept wearing like pants and like clothes and stuff. And I was like, you know what? It's not working.
It's been about 20 months.
Yeah, I usually like to wear a hat for that big I'm black reveal. You know?
I'm actually second generation inbred. Explain to us exactly what you mean. All right, so I don't know if you can see it from here, but I got this mini pinky.
Yeah, so my dad's parents were related, but not my parents.
No, on the black side. What? Bacon soda! What? Well, technically, most Sicilians are kind of, you know, because it's an island. You know, so it's a lot of, you know... My only problem is the pinky. Trust me, it's just the pinky.
So, do you have brothers and sisters? Four. Four? Three brothers, one sister. And I got eight dogs, too. Do they have some things wrong with them? My younger brother's on steroids. That's not... He's trying to grow his pinky.
Well, he's got, like, body dysmorphia. Uh-huh. And he thinks that's going to win his, you know... his girlfriend back or something.
No, we're good friends. Okay.
You got anything you'd like to say about people you don't like? You know, I got, my best friend's Adam J. And then Andrew Guarino. Just want to shout him out. Love those guys. Don't do that. Sorry.
So the crazy thing is I just left my two dogs alone for a while. And then they just like, I thought my little dog was just getting fat.
No, they're great though. They're cool. They're really sweet.
So I have to get, like, emotional service, like, it's like a doctor's note for eight dogs, because you can't have more than, like, you can't have more than, like, five dogs in Austin.
So you're teaching them how to fight? Well, one of them bit the other one's tail today. So apparently it's something called litter mate syndrome, where they're just automatically going to start fighting. Because normally people don't keep their dogs together like that. You don't even need to train them. Look at that.
Why is Porky your favorite? Porky was the only brown one. Everyone else is black.
The hard part about my blackness is nobody believes me.
I do Jets pizza delivery on South Lamar.
We're giving away free pizzas. How are you doing that? Explain to us. I talked to my boss. He said if I got on, we could give away free pizzas.
If you don't wear socks... Just show up to South Lamar Jets Pizza and ask for a big win. Is that you? That's my boss, Mr. Wynn. Wow.
I'm just hoping for a big delivery, a lot of tips. Hell yeah.
Well, personally, I'm going off the rails. I'm losing it.
So tell us, tell the people what it's like. So basically, I've come to a conclusion that basically women, they all say they're different, but they all sound the same. So that's why I've only been going after deaf women. You know what I mean?
So basically, I was at, like, Rock Bottom one day. Uh-huh. Which is not far from right now, actually. Wait, you... Okay.
So I was, like... Before we move on, why were you at Rock Bottom? So I had a... I fell on my knee on the sidewalk, and it got infected, and the infection went to my face. Okay. It was a staph infection? It was like, I don't know. I was on antibiotics. I don't remember exactly what it was, but it was actually pretty bad.
It started getting all red and puffy.
And how long did you... Was it after the fall on the knee in which your face... The fall on the knee, I didn't know because it was such a big collision and it got cellulose or cellulitis or something like that. It was a deep infection.
Yeah, I just had my car got stolen because I'm living in Portland. Oh, Portland. That's come up a few times tonight. And I was limping to go get some free food from the pantry. And all of a sudden there's this beautiful woman and she's holding, this is a true story, she's holding like a pile of money in her hands. And she just goes, do you want any money?
I said, well, a couple things. I was like, you kind of caught me at a bad time. You told her that? Yeah, it's not a great time for me. Like, you know, but I said, one day I'm going to be on TV. When you see me on TV, you give me a call. And she said, okay, bye. See you on TV. You gave her your number? Nope. Well, how would she give you a call? Well, I was hoping she'd see me on TV.
Well, I figured while I'm getting through my phase of having no money and eight dogs, I'd get to the point where I could finally have a relationship. You know what I mean? Now's not a good time for me. You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't find a lot of women like that.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Well, it's nice meeting y'all.
No. Basically, I thought for myself, same day I was like, well, because she was offering me money, I was like, this is pretty sweet. And then later on, I'm walking to the grocery store, like, And I sit down, and, like, some other woman, like, offers me money. And I was like, well, it wasn't the same, because, like, she thought I was homeless. And I was like, all right.
So, like, it's not just that she was offering me money, you know?
No, no. And also, she was black, too, so I wasn't really feeling it. You're not into black women? No, not really.
Yeah, one time. What did you not, what was it that stood out to you? She had a really nice afro. I thought she was pretty, but she also had, like, some kind of, like, like, I ended up, like, kind of getting sick afterwards.
It was basically a couple hours into this and my air mattress was already mostly deflated. ... And she just starts coughing. And I'm like, you all right? And she's like, no, I'm kind of getting over something. And I'm like, ah, jeez, I'm kind of getting over something. And then all of a sudden, like, I was just sick for, like, another week. And I'm like, this sucks. So that was it. Wow.
And then there was one, there was one, there was one, everyone has one giant fat black lady off Craigslist, but that doesn't count. Wait, she was off Craigslist? No, I mean, it doesn't really count. Where did you meet her at? Well, I met her at my... I met her at her house. You got to understand, it was Albany. It was Albany. I didn't have a chance.
Well, yeah, but I found her on Craigslist and I met her at her house. Right. Got it.
Yeah. The thing is, I got sick even though we also did it in the shower. It didn't help at all. You did it in the shower.
Well, we started in the shower. We moved over to the air mattress. And to be perfectly honest, you... Oh, here we go.
To be perfectly honest. Well, it was... Well, I mean, I don't know if I can make this any worse.
Whose idea was that? I was living in Albany. It was over the summer, so nobody was there. Upstate New York. Yeah, I knew I was going to need something for later. You know what I mean? So you asked her permission to film? Yes.
We went back to my house.
Well, I mean, that's kind of where I live.
About three quarters of a mile, something like that. Wow. So not far. Yeah, not far. Two blocks, something like that, you know, not bad.
Well, basically, I figured out right now it's all about the arbitraging. It's all about the what? So you just bet both sides. You automatically win like a dollar or two, and you just keep rolling it over.
I don't know what to fucking do with this guy. It's the greatest interview of all time. You want to hear a quick story about how I saved someone's life? Yes! Yes! So me and my first pitbull are walking down by the river. And I'm looking for my cell phone, because I lost it.
And it's nighttime, and I want to ask someone if I can call, like, my phone and their phone, but they don't want to do that because it's nighttime and stuff. So I see this one guy, and I want to ask him, but I don't. And then I'm walking by the river, and I see this body floating in the river. And I was like, oh, my gosh. I run back to the guy.
I'm like, hey, we've got to call the ambulance and stuff. And he's like, all right. He doesn't believe me necessarily. So we go back to the river. No one's there, but they float onto the pier. So I'm like, it's like February, and it's like really cold, and I'm like, she'd probably freeze her in there.
So what I did was I took off all my clothes, and I just started going into the river, and it was the Hudson River, so I was kind of like, I've never been in here, I don't know how deep it is, but... Like... So I just thought, I get in there and she must've been like at least 250, but like in the water, I could still move her. And like, I'm getting her up on like the rocks and stuff.
The guys helped me get her up and stuff. We get my dog on top, we're trying to warm her up. And then like, the thing is though, is like, When the fire department came and all the ambulance and stuff, I was so proud to tell them who I was and stuff. But the person who helped me, he's like, my name is Vivian. And I'm like, whoa. Because the only thing I wanted was for a hot chick to see this.
And I'm like, bro, are you a hot chick, though? And he was like, yeah, I'm transgender. And he's like, yeah, I came to the river to kill myself, too. But this is my It's a Wonderful Life moment, so I'm not going to do it. And I'm like, that's pretty sweet. That's pretty sweet.
Oh, I told you. I told you about that. All right, so it's basically the black version of Ed, Edd n Eddy.
Okay. So, basically, it's called Nig, Nigga, Nigga. Thank you. Keep going.
So, it... The episode four is my favorite because it has a Buzz Lightyear. Remember when Buzz Lightyear was Mrs. Nesbitt? Sure. Everyone forgets about that, but I have this whole bit about how Buzz Lightyear comes back to see his friends and he's just missing an arm and he's wearing a girl hat and an apron.
And then all the characters are like, we gotta get out of here before Buzz infects us with his gay. Before we know it, we'll all have our arms at our socket wearing a lady hat. And then you see Mr. Potato Head missing an arm. You're like, hey boys, I've always been Mrs. Potato Head. Where can people find these cartoons at? Plug it. So you gotta go to, you gotta go to, what the hell's my name?
Alex Tarshew? Yeah, but right now it's Purebred Retard on YouTube.
Well, I used to be in bread retard. And then that got me in a lot of trouble, like, on Instagram and stuff.
You know, for a long time, I would Google, like, why do I have a mini pinky? But I didn't know how to spell pinky. Like, I usually do, like, P-I-N-K, like, Y or something like that, or I-E. I don't remember, but, like, I can't really spell that well. You spelled it wrong. I couldn't spell pinky for a long time. You're a bad speller? Yeah, yeah.
I got four right now, working on part five. Hell yeah. Incredible.
Hey, you want to see the feast they've just done? The what? You want to see the best part? Yeah. Hey, look at my shoe. Look at my shoe. Ready? What? What, is your shoe broken?
What size shoe do you wear? Uh, 10. Really? Yeah.
Alex, let me ask you a question.
I'd probably bring her to my van.