Ahsan Ahmad
Appearances
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
So Israel and Palestine just signed their ceasefire, so Hamas will talk to them. The whole thing started when Hamas paraglided into a rave, which, take the context of everything that happened outside of it away, that does sound like a great day with the boys. You know what I mean? Just smoking weed in the cave, just, Abdul, get the paragliders. Holy shit, Abdul, it's working, it's working!
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Just two flags on your paraglider, one Palestinian, though it says Saturdays are for the boys, you know, just fucking committing a terrorist attack to a rave, to techno, just digga digga da digga digga digga da digga digga digga da digga digga digga da digga digga digga da. That was Sandstorm by Darude, in case you missed it. I don't know if you guys... I've been Ahsan Ahmad.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
You know what's funny? He was talking about the Liberty, and I was like, Tony, that was the bar that we were at with Ari Shafir the night of the picture.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
I've been on the panel three times, but I had this Israel-Palestine joke, and I was like, it's the perfect time to drop it. I'll sign up for Kill Tony and see what happens.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Oh, yeah. I started working when this show was in the belly room. The one thing I noticed is that the people who do poorly on this show always ask the audience how they're doing. So I was like, when I get up here, just start the joke. You only have a minute. Why waste the time? Exactly.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Yeah, I am five, six, and I'm six inches taller than both of them. Yeah. I'm the tall guy in my family. It's crazy.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Man, it is a scary time to fly. You know how I know it's bad? I'm also nervous at the airport. I am on your side. The energy to me on an airplane has shifted dramatically in the last two months. Because when I used to walk on a plane, people looked at me like, what's he up to? What's he planning?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
But now when I walk on a plane, people look at me like, well, if this thing goes down and we need someone to take over, he might have the right training. It's a scary time to fly. A military helicopter crashed into a passenger plane. When that happened, I was like, oh, things are different.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Because when I was younger, when the American government wanted to ram an aircraft into something, they outsourced it. The jobs are coming back, baby. They're coming back.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Ladies and gentlemen, a second Muslim has hit the show. Yeah, it is.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I was like, oh, hopefully he doesn't make any airport jokes. Yeah. He was Punjabi. Yes, he was a dirty Indian. Sikh. Oh.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
No, he is Sikh, you're right. It's just different religions.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
It's all just, like, different cultural differences within, like, different tribes in the whole area. Like what?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
So, you know, we're Muslim. It's Ramadan. We're fasting. And they don't do any of that.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
So I went to Tulsa and they had this, I went to this museum and they had a exhibit on the KKK. And the KKK, their guidebook in 1915 was called the Cloran. Whoa. Yeah, so I bought one. And it came a couple days ago, so I started reading it. It's very, like, kind of, like, Dungeons and Dragons-y.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
You know, like, everyone has, like, their own, like, oh, I'm the exalted cyclops, I'm the grand dragon, and they have their own sort of rules and stuff. So it's interesting. I'm thinking of doing an audio book. Yeah. Because one does not exist of it.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Well, my parents are the most adorable people. My dad's like 4'11", my mom's 5'1". Yeah.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yeah, but my dad is an aerospace engineer at NASA, and my mom's a dentist.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
All right. Do you guys want to see my impression of an Indian pussy?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I have a podcast with Derek Poston called The Solid Show. Check it out. It's a lot of fun. And your Instagram? It's Ahsan J. Ahmad.