Adrienne Iapalucci

Emilio's.

It's okay. Captain's was better, but now they've closed down, so...

Thank you.

That's Ari.

Problem gelöst.

I will, yeah, I could totally derail a whole show. If that's what you mean. I can walk two, three people. I can upset a room, yeah, if that's what you mean.

New Kids on the Block. Nice. I was like 13, 12. Where, Gordon? Maybe. I don't remember.

Wow.

No.

Never. Really?

There's a certain place in the Bronx where you just don't take the... It's not close to you.

I don't know.

That's right. We've always had a car. We've always had shitty cars. My dad at some point would just paint his own cars, and he'd get tired halfway, so we'd have two different colored cars. Paint his own car? Yeah. He would get, like, a car from someone, and then he'd be like, I want to paint this. Like house paint? He'd prime half of it, and then he would give up. So that was just his car.

No, I don't think that many, but maybe on the last tour about 50 altogether. That's not big. That's not fair. No, but most of them were in this one show in Texas. It was like 20 guys in cowboy hats that liked me. Really?

A primed car, yeah.

Half-primed car. And we'd always go on vacation, and he would take these cars that would just break down all the time.

and is it just you guys is it just your nuclear family just the four of us yeah my grandparents died when i was all of them died like within two years no cousins around the area or anything like that no huh it was just the four of us we've always had like a very small family they had to be there you just probably didn't talk to them so my mom so okay so my mom everybody money or something

Probably. My mom's brother died. He had a kid somewhere, but nobody knew who he was.

My dad's brother lived with his. So we lived on the second floor of a two story building. And it was like my grandmother and grandfather and my uncle lived in that one apartment. And we lived next door. And then underneath there were two apartments.

Yeah. Like people that, you know.

Yeah, I mean, he was like my dad. He raised me up. Right, but she didn't set these kids up for success. They're both gamblers. He didn't, like, move out until she died. So he was probably, like, 40, 50 years old, my uncle.

They did.

So...

So because my dad claimed bankruptcy, he didn't leave it to my... I mean, we didn't talk, but he didn't leave it to my dad, so my uncle gave him money, but we were supposed to get money. He didn't give it to us. It was just a whole fucking... My uncle was working for FedEx, and then he was on disability, and he had a whole case against them. That's what I'm talking about.

A case against FedEx, but he was working off the books, doing something in a hospital. Like, you know, just...

What the fuck? That's a Bronx hospital right there. He was a doctor. He was doing surgery on most people.

But he did get a lot of money from FedEx. And then he moved to Pennsylvania to go like, so that's the thing, he just waits for people to die and gets their money. So that's what he's doing in Pennsylvania now. He's waiting for my aunts to die.

It is if you can deal with it.

Pennsylvania.

No, we would go to Crescent, Pennsylvania to watch my aunt die.

Altoona? It's not nice. Altoona, Pennsylvania.

They really hung in a long time, and I was like, you guys are here longer than I thought you'd stay. And they were just like, we're out. I brought up the military, and they were like, we're out.

Yeah.

And then when we were there, it was 81. 2,700, whatever.

You're just sad. There's nothing in there. You go from being sad in the Bronx to being sad.

No, it was like just a house. So we'd go visit my two aunts. My one aunt was taking care of her sister who was dying, and you'd literally just watch someone die for your vacation. In the living room while you're watching Jeopardy. She's just dying.

Yeah.

And then she finally got annoyed with us coming to visit her. She just gave us money to go to Florida.

We drove one year and then took the train another year.

It took us like 28 hours.

It was standing room only. I had to have sex with a 12-year-old kid to go in his bed at night. No, I think it was just seats. I think we were just in regular seats.

I think 14. I was maybe 14 or something. We were still kind of young.

We went to Disney World, yeah, Orlando. That's pretty good. I remember we got a rented car, which was, like, nice for us because we always had crap cars. My dad was like, you could leave the doors open. If they steal it, we don't have to pay.

He's like, it doesn't matter. Leave the doors open.

It's covered.

It was fun, yeah.

We had a good time.

Disney was fun, sure. And you guys did that twice. We did it twice, yeah.

Yeah.

And then I think I stopped going on vacation with them. I was like, I'm out. Okay. I think after that, about 15. Yeah, older teenager.

I think none of us did anything anymore. We just stayed in the house. Jesus.

My grades were great. I was a smart kid and I didn't really do a lot of work. I didn't really have to apply myself. And because my parents were both kind of stupid, they didn't push me to apply myself. It was great. I was the smartest person in the house at 14.

I did. Where'd you go? I went to Fordham. I went to two years community college because I was going to pay for it myself. And then I went to Fordham and I was going to go to law school and instead I started stand up. No kidding. Who paid for Fordham?

I mean, technically no one. The student loan. Somebody is paying. I don't know. I haven't paid my student loans ever.

That's good school. It is. Sociology. I was going to go to law school. Did you stay on campus in Fordham? No.

I drove back and forth.

I was older than people because I had taken off when my dad died. So I was about two, three years older than everyone. So I just went to school and I had my own friends.

My dad got sick, yeah, I guess like 2000, 2001. So what do you do after?

I think I did one semester and then my mom was like, hey, you should just get a full time job. Like college is a waste. So I think I did that. I got a full time job.

I worked at a doctor's office in the Bronx table. No, but that was a fun office because there was a lot of like young kids. It was like almost like being in high school. Still, you just see your friends every day. So it was an OBGYN office that also did abortions. OK, so you'd see all the girls in the neighborhood that are coming in pregnant and then they stop coming and then they're not pregnant.

It's like, hey, I know what you did. But they're like, I don't want you to know, but it's like, I do know.

I mean, I got into a fight when my dad was sick. I got into a bar fight. But other than that, I mostly just fought my sister. like fist fight yeah i would get her in the corner and just go really she was such a pain in the ass and like oh he's trying to get me in trouble i would just go nuts on her are you guys tight now no okay she's gonna be very upset when the special comes out oh really yeah

We communicate a little bit. We'll try and have a relationship, and then, like, we don't. And then, like, me, my mom, and sister are, like, the Bermuda Triangle.

No, it's always two.

We're talking right now.

Calling each other bitches. Calling each other bitches, yeah.

I probably will, but when I was living in the basement for a short amount of time, they would have Thanksgiving, and I would just hear them, and I was downstairs by myself.

My family. There was a point in time where I lived downstairs in the basement. Of the apartment building? Of the house.

Yeah.

And I would just have Thanksgiving by myself.

Wait, what?

My mom, my stepfather at this point, James, that she married after my dad died.

Yeah. Okay, so you're older.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know. It's probably not good.

Yeah. I mean, I've always kind of had a relationship so that I would hang out with them or go to their family. Holy shit.

I'm like, I'm just going to go to sleep.

So my dad's in the hospital dying, and... My boss at the time was giving me a hard time at work, like taking off to see my dad who's dying.

No, my boss at my job at the time, at the abortion place.

The office manager's like, get back here and do these abortions. No, so she's mad. She's giving me a hard time about taking off. I'm just in such a bad emotional place. I get wrecked.

I don't know. There's got to be a part of me that's just dead.

and my friend, tells a story better than me, I'm not a great storyteller, but this guy in the bar was flirting with everyone, and I guess he was flirting with me, and then this girl pulled my hair and was like, oh, I thought you were my friend Angela, and I'm so mad now, and I'm like, all right, I'm gonna fight this chick.

I take these earrings off, I go to my car, I put my hair up, and I go back, and I'm so drunk, I just remember slamming her head on the bar, and this wasn't our bar, so we all get kicked out.

I don't know. That's what Marines do. Maybe.

I got to say, that's not a bad move.

You don't square off. I think I pulled her hair first and was like, oh, I thought you were my friend. And I just slammed her head on the bar. I talked to you for a minute.

Yeah, I'm also so drunk. So then we get kicked out. It's not our bar. And I remember they were like, she called me.

It's not our bar that we hang out at. Do you remember the name of it? We were in City Island somewhere. And that's not like where we grew up. So they were from City Island.

Right. So they're like, you guys got to get out. I remember they called me fat. And I was like, yeah, I know.

Let's get into it. Let's get into it.

like that's not like a that's not like should we just bash this broad's head in so we get kicked out i'm so mad i punch a glass window my whole hand's bleeding it was like chaotic my friend who doesn't even have a license drives the car home i have blood that's what you got to be worried about the license i have blood all over my shirt we go into like 7-eleven to get 40s and i'm like what's everyone looking at my friend's like you have blood everywhere wait so you get in a fight

It's me and a couple of girls and some of their boyfriends were there too. It was like a bunch of us.

I don't know. I remember one time I was dating this guy and we all went out and like he was in the army at one point. He was like jacked. I remember we got into a fight.

you're a new york gal uh-huh bronx i lived in the bronx my whole life and i think and that's all the time we have today you still live in the bronx i still live in the bronx i think if you live in new york you're not supposed to live in new york the whole time sure you gotta you're not supposed to live in the bronx the whole time you're not supposed to live in any of new york city the whole time everyone in the bronx is just mad sure that they're there sure it's just chaotic there's a different vibe i've always said that like the i used to have to

Fix bayonets. We got into a fight that wasn't even our fault, and I just remember he picked a guy up, dropped him, and we were like, that guy might be dead. We got to go. And we all just left. So, yeah, he was not there at this time. That was pre-him.

I don't, and it's probably not.

I don't know. We would just go to a lot of bars, and I'm like, I guess East Tremont. There was like Frenchies. That's no longer there.

No.

I dated a guy that his cousin sold Coke and he went on, he went, he was also a gambler. So he was a way like gambling. He'd like professionally played poker and we were like selling Coke out of his Jetta.

I wasn't. He was. You were in the car.

He was. And then I remember the money we made, we spent. So he had to pretend his car got ransacked. So he destroyed the inside of his car.

I wasn't selling coke.

I was a damsel in distress. I had no idea what was going on.

Yeah, so then he just was like, we spent all this money, so we're going to have to just say my car got broken into.

Sneakers. I mean, we're like 22. Tracksuits. Yeah, tracks.

I love it. I love it, but it's trash.

My dad, everything was like the Pine Tavern.

It's an Italian restaurant in the Bronx that my dad like loved.

Yeah. I mean, I thought I had a good childhood just because like I had friends. It is a good restaurant. I had friends and like muscles. I was happy because I was like, you know, you know, like me and my sister's childhood. I think we're a bit different. My sister was, like, struggled in school. She wasn't, like, she didn't really have a boyfriend.

So, like, she was always kind of trying to get me in trouble. So I'd stay home with her. You were, what, four years apart?

Yeah. I mean, we shared a bedroom.

Yeah. We grew up in a two-bedroom apartment.

Until I was 18. Until my grandmother died.

I would move out with boyfriends. You know, because I started doing stand-up at like 26.

Well.

My mom and stepfather got divorced. But my mom couldn't afford to move out. So she was living upstairs. He's living in the basement. She's trying to get him to buy her out.

She doesn't. She owns half of it. She owned the whole thing because she had that house with my dad.

And I told her, don't refinance it.

I know. I'm sorry.

So she refinances. I go, don't do that because now he's going to be eligible to have some of this house.

Yes. They get married.

Right. And I'm like, that's not a good idea.

Right. They get divorced.

They're married about 10 years. Okay. So she got like his social security and stuff. It was like her best move financially for her.

Yes. Okay. When they're married, yes.

So he gets cancer and he's like, during COVID, he gets cancer and then he gets better, but then he's like, And my sister's, like, kind of caretaking for him. My sister gets in between my mother and anyone she's, like, dating. It's very weird. She did that even with my dad.

No.

This is her stepdad, too.

Yes.

It's whack-a-mole with dads over here. I know. And most of them have the same name. So I can't even tell you their names. It's all Frank or something. Yeah. It's all Joe. It's Joe, Joe, and James. So James now...

He wasn't a gambler. He was an alcoholic. A wild alcoholic.

Drinking in the house and saying he's not drinking and then you go lift up the barbecue and there's like all empty bottles. I respect that. Like a wild alcoholic.

I think whiskey.

gentlemen i got a couple empty bottles of maker's mark in my house yeah he was like a wild alcoholic um so he gets sick and now like he ends up buying my mom out of the house okay a month later he dies if my mom waited she would have gotten the house right but my sister buys the house with him without my mother knowing so now my sister owns the house and kicks my mother out what shut up yeah

It's succession in the lowest level. It's un-succession.

Yeah, it's crazy.

Sure. Listen, I'm also not in the South Bronx. I'm in the regular part of the Bronx.

Yeah, they're divorced.

He's living downstairs.

She might be living. I don't know. And you're not living there at this point. No, no, no. She's living somewhere else, I think. She buys the house with him. Without my mother knowing. And then she also like finagled into him. He left my sister like his life insurance policy. Didn't even leave his own kid. So my sister has a ton of money.

Yeah.

For someone in the Bronx, probably like half a mil. That's a fucking ton of money. A quarter of a million. That's a ton of money. Plus she owns this house. Plus she also owned his condo in Florida. And she's so cheap. So she has a kid and she sends him to school in like the cheapest clothes.

He is getting his ass kicked, though. Well, because he's like the only white kid in school. And my sister has all this money and he, you know, he's like special needs. Like send him to, you know, a school where they're going to actually cater to him, you know?

A bit.

Yes, but once you leave that gated area. Sure.

In the Bronx, we actually gate the flowers because that's what we treasure, and then we let the people kill each other. Yeah, sure. Let's protect these flowers. Let's protect the flowers. They're the prized possession of the Bronx. We need our tulips.

Okay. She's in Connecticut. She's got her own place. Yeah. In an apartment.

My mom is dating, I guess, but my mom is following the rules that book from the 90s. I don't know what that is.

It's chicken soup for the soul. Yeah. Like where it's like if he doesn't ask you out and to text, you're out. And then you could only answer like after 7 p.m. Like it's a lot of rules like that.

I'm 68.

But she still looks pretty good.

My mom. So my mom did stand up.

Yeah, I mean. I knew that. Yeah, she like got me into stand-up.

She does mostly black rooms. No way. She's an urban comic.

No, she does whatever, but like she does do a lot of the black rooms. That's where she's getting going. No shit. Yeah.

She's got that pension. You know, she's got the Social Security from like... Your dad. I think she has probably money from my stepfather, and then maybe she gets something from my dad that she was with for 20 years.

She's doing better than if she worked.

I think, I don't know.

No, she's not making money from black rooms. Smokey! Get up the mocha I mean if you google or she's doing stand-up like in a diner on a table like she's doing I've done that. Yeah, you've done it.

Yes And I won't do it again. Recently? No, this is a long time ago. We did a show and all her white lady friends came out to an urban show. And it's late. Those shows don't start on time. It's like 10, 11 o'clock. I don't know what you're talking about. It's 10, 11 o'clock and they're like...

Yeah.

They start banging on the table during someone else's act where they're like, we want Debbie. They start chanting her name. I go, I'm out. I will never do another show with you. It was in the Bronx.

I think she's happy for me, but she also is like a comic where she'll be like, how did you get that?

So I grew up in Morris Park. I lived there most of my life. I live in Pelham Bay now, which is like 10 minutes away.

Yeah, she'll be like, how did you get that? Or she'll ask me a question on how to write something to a booker. I'm like, just fucking write to them.

She's going to be here next week, yeah. Oh, man, I want the threes. That would be wild. That would end in a fight. It would end in a fight.

It would end in a fight.

Of trash. Yeah, that would end in a fight for sure. God, my head hurts, dude. My head hurts. Who was... Who is Putin? That's what I thought you were going to say. That's my dad. That's my fourth dad.

No, I went to Catholic school. They always had food.

Really?

It was pretty disgusting.

She cooked, yeah.

It was Italian food. She cooked a lot of chicken. But, like, she would cook, you know, on Sunday she would make, you know, pasta.

This is apartment living. Okay. This is like four people in a tiny apartment.

She did a good sauce. Really? It was pretty good.

I feel like I could have always gone up. Like, they wouldn't be, like, shunned me. Like, it's the lady from downstairs.

Yeah.

Sure. Yeah, I can do that. But then you have to also deal with what comes with that. It's like, is the food worth dealing with the dynamic upstairs?

Or whatever's happening. Good homemade sauce. Everyone's fighting. I'd take a lot.

when we're like like even this christmas what's this gonna look like you got your own place now away from all this yeah but still in the bronx yeah are you gonna go see them do you make phone call like what's i mean i won't probably talk to my sister maybe we'll text each other but like just like a merry yeah maybe i'll see my mom uh-huh okay will you go over there for thanksgiving to connecticut yes it'll just be you and her and maybe maybe she'll have a gentleman friend there

No, this is like my biological father wasn't in my life. That's what we're looking for. Yeah, that's what we're looking for. I mean, but my dad that adopts me was like good to me, but like, you know, a gambler, emotionally unavailable. And that's probably why I'm chasing guys like my dad.

I don't know if I'm starting trouble. I think, like, so my family does this thing where, like, they want something from you, and if you can't do it, then they're mad at you.

It might be like asking you for a favor. I mean, my mom is also, like, pretty selfish.

okay what's a typical favorite cash you're looking for cash no a ride um i don't know if it's a ride it's just like maybe we'll get into a fight or something maybe my mom will want me to do something and i can't do it for a while she was like really asking me a lot of comedy stuff and i was like i don't want to do it like if i hang out with her too long that's what happens and it's like i'm now mentoring her it's like it's like i don't want to deal with that how did she start when did she start doing comedy

She started when I was, like, 18, and then she would quit, and then she'd start, then she'd quit.

No. She never really did it. Do you know what I mean? Like, she would do open mics. I remember one time me and my dad took the bus to go see her graduation show.

It was at Stand Up New York.

And I was like, this is brutal. Who knows? Were you a comic at the time? No, I was like 18 or 17. I was young. We're taking the bus to Stand Up New York.

Right. For a bringer show.

I don't know. You were way too young. True. Good point. I think you'd be very young to be. I mean, back then. Maybe now. Maybe now.

No. If not, will you? A lot of times I would just work at the cellar. I'd put in a veil for the holidays. Okay. Because I'd be like, I don't really, I'm not hanging out with anyone. So I'll just work.

I mean, I've had situations where if I'm dating someone, maybe we'd have our own Thanksgiving or I'd go to their family or something like that.

I remember one time I just went to the diner and got the saddest turkey.

It's not that bad, and everyone is not there. It's just you and a couple of sad men.

No, I'd rather they think I have no one. It's a lot less sad that way.

It's like, oh, I have family. I just choose not to be.

Bronx diners are kind of trash. Probably Crosstown, though.

I'll just cook myself, usually.

I like a nice filet mignon.

That's my favorite.

Cast iron grill.

Medium.

Sometimes I do rosemary, but now I'm just not doing that. Because I've also had pantry moths for the last three months, so I've been bouncing all over the place. You've had what? Pantry moths. Pantry moths? They come in like grain. You got bugs. They come in like your grain. I've had this. Have you? I can't. I mean, it's been three months. My place has been exterminated seven times.

I've thrown everything in my house out. Pantry moths.

But they're like little moths. Like, I'm not scared of them. I'm just over the whole situation. I've thrown everything out in my kitchen. I was living with my mom on her couch. In Connecticut? Yeah, that's how we were talking again. Because I was like, oh, I need somewhere to go. Because of the moths? Yeah.

I do have a sister, yeah.

Can I get SDZ mail? Give me the contact info for Netflix.

Get back to the moss.

I mean, I've helped her. She's got weebles. I think one time I helped her. Field mice. I gave her a joke for like a shirt of hers or something. We like bartered.

Yeah, she wanted one of my jokes. I was like, you can have it. I don't do it. And she gave me like a sweater.

The sweater was pretty nice. I don't know. I think it was comedy in medieval times.

I'm first.

The joke was something about how she didn't like my boyfriend or something, and I was like, your first husband was a drug dealer? And she was like, no, he's a drug user. I'm like, that's even worse. The other way he had a job. Sure. So I was like, she liked that joke, and I didn't do it.

Yeah, I called my landlord this morning and he goes, we just may not be able to get rid of them. They may just live there.

She's second, I think. She's second. And it's same mom and dad. No. So my mom and dad, my mom and biological father had me. He was like a drug addict. Okay.

Who knows? Who knows?

Just these things. I can't get rid of them. They were gone for like a month. I was like, okay. I unpacked all my stuff and then I seen like two last night. I'm like, I'm going to lose my mind. So like you opened the pantry. There's nothing in my pantry. There's nothing in the pantry.

It's not like they're flying around now because the place has been exterminated seven times.

No, that's why I'm staying on the couch. I'm just ruining my back instead of my respiratory system.

No, I've been down back in the Bronx. It's like I have no stability. It's like insane.

I just moved back in a week ago.

Yeah. One night I was like, I'm just going to sleep in my car. It was like five in the morning. I went to eight hotels and I was like, I'm going to sleep in my car.

No, it was like some kind of college weekend or something. Everyone's dumb family was in. I was like, I'm going to sleep in my car and I literally don't care.

At freshman orientation. It's family weekend. I'm like, can you just adopt me?

Yeah, they'll just fly around.

I can't deal with that. No, I had them too.

I just, I can't deal with it. I can't have bugs flying around. Listen, I also grew up where we we grew up with like roaches, my mom. So I think bugs just freak me out. My mom every like summer would like prepare mentally to stomp roaches when she opened the door. So I just I can't stand bugs at all. It like it's not good.

Maybe. Maybe I'm going to move. I don't know.

That's such a New York problem.

Don't fix it. This is the problem. There's no alternate street parking where I live. It's kind of amazing. You're a New Yorker through and through. There's no alternate street parking. It's 12 minutes from LaGuardia. It's like it is a great apartment aside from that. My landlord's okay. He's like, you know, we battle. It's like, we'll battle. It's gross talking to him. He's a nightmare.

Young, like in her early 20s, 22, 21.

No, my sister usually, if she has a job, people there are not happy with her.

They did get married. Okay.

I'm not even being mean to her. The special is she's going to be mad.

None of it's a lie. That's what I'll say. That's serial killer shit. None of it's a lie. It's all facts. I can't wait. It's all factual.

My sister's baby daddy lives, like, two blocks from me, and it's a whole chaotic situation.

Your sister's baby daddy... Lives, like, two blocks from me, and, like, his wife or whatever was, like, stalking me for a while and, like, listening to my podcast trying to find out info. It's all nuts.

You guys are fine. Oh, man. It's wild.

I don't know. That's after. That's after for sure. I honestly don't know, but I think, I think, I don't know. I really don't know. Okay. So yeah, they get married. He's like a methadone addict. She leaves him. Methadone?

Who cares?

I don't even know. I have no food in my house because of the moths. So I was cooking and then I'm like, all right, I'm out again.

I don't know. Probably a long time ago. Probably with like an ex-boyfriend or something.

I mean, me and my uncle visit that aunt and uncle.

What's funny is me and him became Facebook friends. Who, your uncle? My uncle, my dad's brother who like owes, you know, who stole money. And he was like praying for something.

Yes.

Okay.

I think I friended him on Facebook where I seen a post of his and it was like he was he was like asking for prayers for something. And I was like, well, maybe if you die, you'll see my father in the afterlife and you'll give him the money you owe him. And he was like, unfriend.

I know. It's not good.

I guess. I don't think it's good.

It's not great.

the people that i love i love the people i love i would do anything for so that's like the yin yang i guess who would those people be yeah because you haven't mentioned anybody that somebody would typically love a couple of friends i guess i would still do anything for my family even though like they're nuts um and that's probably it a couple of friends okay

I have some comedy friends and some childhood friends that I would still do anything for.

There was a law office and a collection agency.

Methadone, whatever, yeah. Okay, so he's trying to get off heroin. You're really splitting hairs here. I gotta be honest, I don't know if he ever did heroin. I think he was addicted to that stuff.

I remember it being different. Yeah, you worked at, I think, a bigger office than I did.

I was a nanny for a while.

I was a nanny for a while, yeah. For who? Just rich people, rich whites. Really?

They loved me.

No, no, no, no, no. So maybe it wasn't a nanny, but I was, like, going there and, like, watching the kids for, like, three or four hours. Okay. And then, like, when I did it again, like, in... In the Burbs? Oh, Westchester, yeah. Yeah.

And then I was, like, driving kids to, like, whatever their rich stuff was, guitar lessons, where it's, like, you're not... Rich stuff. Whatever they're doing. It's something that's unnecessary.

I think I did take him to the doctor also. That's another rich person thing.

It was like for allergy shots. That is a very privileged thing.

Vodka 217. Yeah.

No, but I used to drink.

It was probably like, you know, 2018.

Whatever.

I think he just got addicted to that. That's like going right to Nicorette. Yeah, I think he was just addicted to the stuff you get off on. Just doing some boxing and shit like that. Yeah, I mean, it must be pretty good.

I knew that was coming. Whatever it was.

I had my friend's sister's fake ID. We look nothing alike. Well, I guess we both had dark hair and dark eyes.

2019.

Okay.

paid off no alternate side parking alternate you could leave that car i could actually live in the car i i know but see the thing is what's i switch streets i switch the side of the street because i want to but why is the car clean do you keep the car clean it's pretty clean i've been in one of your cars before it's pretty clean but because i've had to be moving and everything there's just like stuff in it you know what i mean but it's clean do you eat in the car sometimes okay you ever smoked a black and mild

I don't think so. Really? You ever smoke cigarettes? Sure. Chain smoke if I'm drinking.

I guess I'm sober, yeah.

Probably like two years ago.

A Belvedere on the rocks. I really like Captain Morgan and Diet Coke.

I'm trying to save calories, guys. It's got to be Diet Coke.

captain morgan also shouldn't do the the trashier thing is the captain morgan's throwing an s on there i'll do captain morgan's and coke who's doing the hair these days where are you getting your hair done where you get your hair cut i cut it myself cut it yourself it's not like i think i it's not like i don't want to pay it's just like i'll want to cut it right now and then if i call them they're like coming next week i'm like forget it i'll do it myself huh so no salon or anything that's not good

It's not good, but it's like the least worst thing I'm doing. Do you know what I mean? Like there's other bad stuff I'm doing that like that's not that bad.

For a while. I mean, I can't do this anymore now. I used to just call in prescriptions for my friends because like no one had health insurance. Well, when you work in a doctor's office, you figure out how to do that. Are you allowed to be saying this? I mean, I think this is when I was like 20. Okay. I feel like the statute of limitations has run out. Sure. Also, this could all be a joke.

Yeah, but like, so he was like a... He was like a cab driver, I guess, but like he was holding the welfare track. My mom's brother was a hell's angel. He had to have someone go there and threaten him to give him the money. It was like just trash from the beginning.

It's all for comedy purposes.

I wouldn't say that. Of course. Come on.

Hello, this is Dr. Belvedere.

I wasn't calling crazy stuff, and it was mostly, like, amoxicillin. Antibiotics and shit like that. Yeah, amoxicillin or birth control stuff that, like, you should just be able to get.

Trash? Really? The thing is this. I'm not even the trashiest of the Bronx. That's what's scary.

Yeah. So that's what I'm saying. It's like there is way worse trash than me in the Bronx.

My sister would be better. Because my sister would be like... My sister's worse than me. Like, I know how to act in certain situations. My sister does not.

My sister does not. She's gotten kicked. Calling me fat and shit.

She'll get kicked out of places all the time.

Yeah, she's, like, banned from places.

Like, she'll steal this much, like, sugar or whatever. It's like, you're rich. Why are you doing that? She'll take it from, like, a coffee... From, like, 7-Eleven.

You're like, you're out of here. Pictures on the door.

Trash. Yeah.

I love it. Garbage. That's who I am. And you own it. You don't even love it. I'm 100% trash.

Tour coming up? I guess, you know, follow me on Instagram. Check out. I'm going to have some tour dates up. Go. Cool.

Check out the special. And if you hate it, like, even let me know what joke you tapped out on. Because I love that, too, where you're like, I was in, and then I seen that, and I was out.

I was out.

He was. He's mega dead. Mega dead. He's mega dead.

I love both of you. Thank you for having me.

I mean, like, I feel like I feel like if you get stabbed, you naturally die. I don't know. I think it was not like natural.

OK. I Googled him and I should not have. Really? Yeah.

Yes. No, everyone's going to. Everyone's going to.

So I'm mostly Italian and, like, I guess Hungarian, too. My mom's mother was Jewish.

Yes.

Well, my biological father was, like, I think mostly Italian and German and Irish. I don't claim that part. I just say Italian and Hungarian. Of course. And also, like, just Puerto Rican, like, just from being in the Bronx.

The big hoops. I'm going back to it. I just got a men's Carhartt jacket. Yeah, me too.

Yeah.

Definitely my mom grew up were like poor. My dad, my grandpa. Are they all from the Bronx? They're all from the Bronx. Yeah. It's crazy to have like all white people like born in the Bronx when like immigrants come here and make their life better. And they were like, this is good enough. Yeah. Like that's wild to me to just settle.

Yeah, and they're like, this is it.

You mean my biological father? I think they were together like six months. And that was it.

I don't remember any of that.

I did like six or 2017. So was that seven years ago?

That was the first time I met him as an adult. And then his. So he has a bunch of half. He has a bunch of kids that would be like my half siblings. And he also married somebody that had two kids. And that girl has been jealous of me her whole life because I'm her daughter.

So I said to him something. That's such a trashy thing. So you didn't see him growing up at all? No. And he lived like 10 minutes from me.

My whole life. So I meet him, and I was like, oh, I would like to get to know these kids. Do you initiate this, or does he initiate this? It's like we kind of did that thing when you're like almost dating in a way where you come to someone then they're like, I'm not ready. And then you go back. It was like that my whole life. His daughter that he adopted was getting married.

He's like, well, I can't do this now because she's she'll lose her shit. She's like 50. And she's still jealous of me. And what's crazy is so like... It's just dirtbag shit. It's so dirtbag. And then his... So my biologic father, I meet him. We meet up a second time and he's like nervous. He's like, I don't know if anyone knows I'm here.

Yes.

He's all cleaned up.

Doing well, yeah. I mean, as well as whatever, yeah. He's doing fine.

Bronxwell, yeah. He lives somewhere upstate, I think, now. So I meet him and he's like nervous. And he's like, I don't know how long I can stay. I don't know if anyone knows I'm here. I hope my wife doesn't change locks. I'm like... Change the law. I'm like, we're not fucking.

Yeah.

I mean, we were in a diner near a parking lot.

I think I did.

Yeah. What are you going to order that can pay for like 40 years of fucking of abandonment of abandonment? Yeah. So. He's like, I don't know. I want you to be able to meet your sister.

He did. Okay. Yeah, I'm not paying.

He's a nice guy.

I'll get the tip. So his wife writes me like an eight-page letter on why I can't.

She writes me like an eight-page handwritten letter where she's like, stay away from my Joey. It's like very Mary Jo Buttafuoco. It's very weird where she's like.

And I can't believe that because they are the trashiest of people.

It's mailed to me.

I think they're upstate at this point. Yeah, she could have just drove it down. Sure, okay. But she's like, stay away from my Joey. She's like, you're an attractive girl. Why don't you get a boyfriend? What the fuck? It's so crazy, the letter, where I read it. I'm like, this is wild.

bad relationships and there's always letters after a certain amount of years things become letters and they bet you got to bounce it off your mom go what do you think of it are you doing that i mean my you know i told my mom about it what is she gonna do she already felt like mixed about me meeting him she doesn't know what he's gonna say about my mom you know what i mean because like but and he was like very uh like nice about my mom i think honestly he probably still loves my mother and his wife should know that

He's like, your mom's so beautiful. I like how you stuck that in there. He's like, your mom's so beautiful and you look just like her.

And his wife is not attractive. I was like, I see why you're jealous of me and my mom. I don't even know her name.

Handwritten, yes.

Trash.

There was sauce all over it. Okay. Jesus Christ. So I never, so like, yeah, me and him don't talk.

Okay, so what my mom does for work is she marries somebody. Okay. And that is her job, is to get married and be married and have someone support us.

That's good work if you can get it. She doesn't have many skills.

It doesn't matter. Sure.

I'm so close to killing myself every week, it doesn't matter. Who cares?

They're married, so he died when I was like 22, I think, and he had brain cancer and died. And then she right away, like she, and my mom was like 45 when he died, so my mom was still pretty hot.

And then she roped another guy in. Well, but this is the thing, we had this house, nobody could fix anything, so it's like someone has to fuck someone. Like someone has to keep up the house. Yeah.

Sink's leaking. No one knows that we couldn't start the lawnmower. It's like somebody's got to bang someone.

So, no, we were in a house because my dad's parents died, and that's how we got a house.

No, my dad adopted me. Okay. Yeah. So he dies. We buy a house. They buy a house in 96, and he dies like five years later.

Me, my mom, and my sister. My mom's not working. You know, I'm like 22. My sister's probably like 17 or 18 or maybe a little older, 19. Uh-huh. Yeah, and, like, bills are coming in. And, like, my dad, because he's, like, a degenerate gambler, he's been taking money from his pension the whole time.

So there's not, like, a lot of money.

I don't know what he did, but we would go with him and sit in the car and he would go in and bet and do whatever he was doing. My mom also forced him to go to Gamblers Anonymous while he's gambling. It's like the whole thing is crazy.

I went to OTB since I was six. We went so often, the girl, I knew the girl behind the counter. She had my school picture up. We went so often to the OTV. She knew us. She had my school picture. Because we were like family to her. She knew us. We were like there all the time.

Yeah, I mean, we're in the OTV all the time. It's the worst. You didn't go to lacrosse camp? No, I wish. We went to the OTV. Holy shit. And that's when everyone was smoking, too. Sure.

I don't think we even got anything. Really? All my dad's money was for my dad. Do you know what I mean? He was very cheap with us. He didn't want to... We went to Catholic school, which is crazy to me. So he paid for it. It is expensive, but he also was living in his mom's building, and he was rarely ever paying rent.

So he would not pay my tuition, or he'd pay it late, and then I'd have to go back to him like a bookie and be like, you got to pay the rent.

Yes. They would be like, here's the thing. Give this to your dad. This is for the tuition. I'm like, why am I doing this? You guys call him. That's fucked up.

Yeah, I mean, we were.

Sure. And my mom, like after my mom's mother died, she had a wallet just a 20s and I would just go in there and take them. Or I don't, you know, lie about something. And then I started working pretty early. I was like 16. What was your first job? My first job, I think, was answering the phones at a pizzeria.

I had a lot of attitude.

I worked at an icy place for like a day.

Yeah, but you know what's funny on the Rogan thing? I was looking at the comments, and everyone was like, oh, it was just men for three weeks. What a great run. Everyone was bummed that I was there.

So all your fans are going to also hate me?

It's fine. I just don't want to know the comments.

Who else have you had on that's a woman?

Fighting about what?

Oh, yeah. I don't want to hear it. I'll never come back. I don't want people to be upset with you guys. Bullshit. I'd rather they're just not upset that you guys have a woman on.

I was so excited to tell you that. How did that do?

Why would you need a regular job? You have, like, a huge following. I know, but I. I'm closer to a day job than you.

Did she stay on the floor the whole time?

Okay.

That's not that bad. I could do that.

What else do you have to do?

I feel like she probably made enough money to leave him.

Right, and how many times can you just like walk around a room? Like whatever dogs do.

I wonder what the jump is from like being a dog to hardcore sex.

I think it's like you start seeing like you stop at some point acting like a dog and you're like, I'm back. I'm just me.

What would you do? Would you go back to what you were doing before? You would, like, try something new.

So none of them eat, like, cupcakes or anything.

Can you just be a fucking, can you just be a mailman?

I know. At some point, we're like, hey, we're going to stop filming this.

I know, but he should stop filming. Like once your family's life is ruined or whatever the fuck is happening. Yeah. When you're crying every day, you're going to be like, I think we're done here.

I think you need schooling.

It was like, what is Kratom exactly? I know it's like a dust.

I don't know.

Is it like Suboxone where you take it to get off something else?

Okay.

So you will become addicted to it.

So my biological father was addicted to, I guess, is it meth? What do you take to get off heroin?

But what is the thing that they give you, like,

But I don't think he ever did heroin. I think he was just addicted to methadone.

And then you spit it out and sell it?

That's crazy. Your body doesn't take any of it in? No.

Wait, you put it in your nose and then spit it out?

I mean, he wasn't in my life. I wish he was actually on heroin and died.

He's not dead. What's he up to? He's got like five kids. He lives upstate somewhere in New York. I met him and then he was like, you look just like your mom. And I was like, okay. He's like, yeah, your mom's beautiful. I was like, this is weird.

But I remember like... I'm sorry to cut you off.

Like that.

There you go. I'm just not going to move. I think I just... No, you're good.

It was okay and then I moved this thing.

It's not a big deal. So anyway, I met him one time. He was it was nice. He was actually pretty emotionally open. I was like, I wonder what my life would have been like if I was raised by him and not my dad. And then he left. And I guess I was like, I want to meet the kids or just like see him. I didn't want him to be my dad because he didn't raise me.

And then his wife wrote me like an eight page letter to stay away from her family.

Yeah, it was very creepy.

I don't know. So he married her. She had two kids from a previous marriage. And that girl who's like 50 now is jealous of me my whole life because I'm biologically his daughter. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let it go. So his wife was like, leave my Joey alone. I was very like Amy Jo Buttafuoco. So weird. She wrote me this letter. She's like, you know, you're an attractive woman. Why don't you get a boyfriend? It's like, I don't want to fuck your husband. Yeah. What the fuck? But I bet I could.

I think I could wear him down.

Don't make me. If I put my head and done anything, I could do it. So don't make me do it. I'll ruin your whole fucking family.

I've never even met her.

I feel good about it. I honestly thought people would be more upset.

So she just sent you a fucking... She just sent me like a seven page... Seven or eight page letter handwritten. So you only know her through like... I only know her through that and pictures on like social media.

And the second time I met him, he was like so nervous. He was like... Like he was cheating on his wife. He's like, I hope she doesn't change locks. Nobody knows I'm here. I'm like... Dude, I don't need to like hang out with you.

It's so weird.

It's very crazy.

I mean, I think I said something to him that was probably like not that nice. But I was like, I don't need to be in these people's lives.

I don't know. I guess because it's some touchy topics. I have gotten some like nasty DMs, which is fun.

You're 50 and you're jealous of me? It's like leaving my show. You're giving me so much power your whole life.

What a crazy person.

I don't care. Oh.

Why?

I just like... What do you think they're going to do? Like ruin Christmas?

Who cares?

Just turn them all off. You have your own family. You don't need them anymore.

You've created your own family.

Yeah. One lady, I guess, got upset by the Gaza stuff and she told me I was a disappointment to Hitler. Like I'm worse than Hitler. He would be disappointed by my jokes.

But I feel like he bought that on himself. You think your family's going to do that?

No, no, no, no, no.

And then they'll love you. It's like that weird dynamic where, like, it's just chaotic for a bit and then you love your family.

They're not going to really hate you. It's just going to be, like, teenage angst, I think.

Also, just have them like you more than your wife, so then she's the person.

That's amazing. I'm going to leave first. Me, my mother, and sister, all of us, we never three can get along. It's always two against one.

Yeah.

I mean, that's how I grew up. We're all just chaotic and arguing and not great.

My sister doesn't even know I have a special out, and when she sees it, she's going to be mad.

Yeah, I'm talking about her.

And personal stuff that she definitely would not want out there. I don't even know if I should say this, but, like, whatever. Yeah, she's not going to be thrilled.

None of it's a lie.

Everyone's like, when you say that, though, that's bad. Yeah, that is bad.

It's not a lie.

We're not really that close anyway. I'm okay with it.

I'll just block her. There you go. Like my biological father.

That's the best when you just block someone and they have no idea.

If you block them, they go... But they don't know because they have regular... My sister has not... She doesn't have an iPhone, so she won't know.

She's saying that my joke, first of all, she didn't even understand the joke. She's saying it's like egregious towards Jews. And I'm like, you don't even understand the joke. But also then she's like, you're so bad that you would disappoint Hitler. Like Hitler would think I was over the line.

Oh, social media. You could restrict. Restrict is great.

I'll block guys that I just don't want to hear from because I'm like, I just want to be over this.

But like, yeah, those people, I'll just let you say whatever you want to the ether. I'll just restrict you.

I have no idea.

No, no, let him do it. Who cares?

Yeah.

Dad's gotten a bad comment.

We better swim out here, otherwise we're drowning.

Right, it exists only on the internet.

Yeah, but you have to get used to it. I remember like in the old days, even on like Facebook, I would get like write a whole thing out and I'm like, do I want to waste the whole day doing this?

And I'll just erase it. I'm like, it's not worth it.

You are. Even just shifting weight from foot to foot. I feel like this is picking up me breathing.

I do sometimes. It's mostly, like, friends on there, I think. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, it's not, like, for fans, I guess.

Yeah, mostly Instagram.

They say to use that for... People are like, you'd be surprised.

I mean, I know people do like Facebook posts to sell tickets. They do ads and that works. So I think that's something that is definitely... I don't know if it's good to use it for like managers and stuff.

No, I think it's if you have like a business account, like for your fans, I think you can put ads on there. And that's, I think, helpful.

They do. My friend uses it. She says she gets a lot off of it. I think it depends where your fans are.

I don't know anything about that.

I was like, what a huge feat to disappoint Hitler.

They're leaving a hometown, like leaving an old town and going back like, damn, like the guy that you liked used to work at the movie theater, still works at the movie theater.

I was like, damn, you need to move from where you live because I've had that. I live in the same area my whole life. And like, you'll see a guy you had a crush on when he was like 18 or 22. And now he's like falling off. Yeah, it's become sad.

How did you guys meet? Because she's from Chicago, right?

Okay.

Oh, I didn't know you were married before her.

Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, I was also in disbelief, so it makes sense for you to be like, oh, yeah.

I'm like, dude, that's from like, Oh, did you, did he think it was from recent?

Chill divorce seems like the best.

Oh, yeah.

So it was mostly your fault.

She needs to be stopped. Let's get me back there.

I think some people never take accountability, which is hard.

But that's, like, an accomplishment to actually grow up and, like, take accountability and, like, work on yourself. I don't think people realize how hard that is.

Yeah, and then some other lady told me, she was like, you're going to get fucking canceled, bitch. I'm like, by who?

It's good because I had to be like... Yeah, of course it hurts. It hurts to hurt someone that you care about.

Sometimes you lose, you know?

I remember going to therapy and telling my therapist I had this great line I was going to say to, like, my ex-boyfriend at the time. And I was like, I'm waiting until it's, like, over, over to say this.

The line was, I shouldn't have to stay because everyone else left, which I think is a great fucking...

Right. And he was like, that's not like great that you have that planned. I was like, no, but it's like such a good fuck you.

But I was like, I just held on to that. I thought I was so proud of it.

I know. It's like then the curtains close, the credits come off. But he was like, yeah, you shouldn't be aiming to do that.

God, yeah, everyone I date is so awful. They're just like, it's, yeah, it's just like, you know, everyone who's emotionally closed off and alcoholic, PTSD, there's some type of like first responder, they're fucking veterans. It's just like,

I think I've just seen what I'm doing, and I'm like, oh, this is actually, like, a pattern.

And then, you know, I'll date guys who are, like, going to kill themselves. They never kill themselves. I just stay in it longer. So I think I'm just going to be single.

I'm picking the worst people.

and it's like what they all do yeah what the guys i am attracting do and then they romantic types the romantic types very romantic they're like i'm gonna fucking kill myself i'm like well let me see let me see what you're doing one time my boyfriend my ex-boyfriend had said that and i went home and like he wasn't even really trying he had like roach killer that thing that's like a syringe and it was just on the bed it wasn't even like used i'm gonna eat roach he's gonna harm his reproductive capacities

I know, but it was like such a thing where I was like, I had to cancel shows to come here.

This is very serious.

You didn't try even a little bit.

But he still, yeah, he still didn't do it.

That's different. I wouldn't do that.

I would sit by the sidelines and just wait.

They never kill themselves. They never do. If you're in a relationship like that, just leave. They're not going to kill themselves.

And if they do, they really want to do it. You should be happy for them.

And I actually got him to do what he wanted to do. So, like, I am partly, like, a hero.

I'm doing the Lord's work.

Is it? I mean, I would assume that. I feel like everything in this country is, like, just harder. People can't pay for shit. You know what I mean? It's just, like, suicide to me is always, like, the first thing I go to when I want to add to something.

I put an album out and then I did The Degenerates four years ago on Netflix, which is just a short set.

Like, even a job, I'd be like, I'm going to kill myself, so I don't have to go to this job.

But it's a fun little like it would just be nice to even not kill yourself. But like if you could put yourself into a coma for a little bit, it's like a six.

That's like it is nice. You should be able to do that.

If you could lose weight, save money on your rent. It could be great.

You don't even need rent for a year. People are still... You're not going to even be there. Move your shit into a fucking storage unit.

It's funny because I do that as a joke and people are just horrified. I'm like, but you never just thought of going into a coma for a little bit, like maybe not six months, but like a month. Like the pandemic was nice for a little bit. For sure. A couple of months. You just, you're not going in. You're not like fighting traffic every day. You know what I mean?

You're just not going to a job you hate.

I don't, because who knows what I'm going to dream of.

I just want a time out.

I want no dreams. Just keep me alive and nothing. And, like, you know, I guess you have to have people work your limbs so they don't... Yeah, that's true. Or, like, turn you over or whatever.

You do need the dreams, okay.

You're convincing me.

They put you back out. And then depending on what they tell you, you decide how long you want to be out for.

You're like, your ex-boyfriend is remarried. I'll go out for six months.

I don't know. I'm not sure. I think I might. I always say I'm going to just be single and I always end up dating somebody.

Or it's just so easy. People from your past just keep coming back because they're so shitty that no one wants them. So they're just a Rolodex of garbage constantly. They're just coming back nonstop.

I mean, I've always gotten people like even at a show being upset or like after telling me stuff. Yeah. It is weird how everyone feels like they need to tell you what they think.

Right, because I'm a better version of myself.

yeah it's like i don't know if you could cheat and get through it it's like it kind of could make you better are you saying get away with it and then like recommit and double down like have have them find out see how you guys can work through it like nobody really works through anything anymore yeah i know like back in the day there was like a genocide or potato famine like that's hard and you guys got to work through it and it's like can you and your wife work through her sleeping with a dude

I mean, you guys, you never made it through the potato famine. I got to be honest with that attitude. Your whole family's going to starve. Well, I wonder about that because I'm always kind of like... Would you prefer an emotional cheating or a physical cheating?

Really? But that's so much more intricate. You spend so much more time talking to somebody and getting to know them. There's like feelings.

Yeah. Like that's a weird part, I guess, of social media that you didn't realize. Oh, I didn't realize that was going to happen when we first got on that. Everyone has an opinion. They think it matters.

But you're not jealous of her friends. You're jealous of this guy that she just fucks.

So even if she doesn't have sex with him, she just thinks he's hilarious. She's like sneakily watching Brendan Shaw videos.

Stuff about me would be... I hate the way he fucks me. I hate the way he fucks me. And I also think Brendan Chubb's funnier than him. That would be so brutal.

There's something to hurting your own feelings.

Yeah, I mean, I go on Reddit. I Googled myself on Reddit, and I was like, that was not great.

It never stops, and it's always like, this person sucks. I got five minutes into their special, and you're like, you didn't even get to any of the good stuff.

One person was like, she was ugly with her other hair color and then she dyed it again. Now she's even uglier.

Right. They've spent a lot of time though.

That just makes you laugh. Some of it is just like, I remember when somebody said something mean to Sarah Silverman, and she replied something like, I could tell you're just hurting, and then she talked to this guy, and then he was just hurting, and she paid for him to get therapy. I mean, I'm not going to do that. I want you to be very unhealthy.

But she did that. It's like most of these people are just hurt themselves.

I don't know. Maybe. I have no idea what they're thinking. I was like, maybe someone died in their family. I don't know.

I think responding to comments is the worst. I'm not responding to any.

But like, I don't care now. They actually I enjoy them. I think it's kind of funny. Also, you give me so much power that you're so mad and worked up that you have to tell me how you feel. Yeah. Like, what a compliment you leave my show. Like, you came to the show, you made plans to have someone watch your dumb kids, and then you're so mad that you're going to go back home.

If somebody says that, you have to be like, I am a loser.

Somebody told me that somebody brought up to Trump like somebody said this bad thing about you. And he was like, well, good luck to them. And I'm like, what a great response. And also you're like, good luck to them.

What else can you do?

Like there's no way to really hurt you when you act like you're not hurt. Yeah. Good luck to them.

I think you'll probably just shoot up a mall. So I don't think you're going to... I think one day you just push everything down and you're like, ah, I'm going on a fucking killing spree.

You have a whole family, though, so I think that will keep you in check a bit.

I don't. I could really be rogue.

Which is fun.

But it's great. You have the best of both worlds. You're with your family and then you get to escape.

And then your wife's with these kids the whole time.

Can you still hear me if I move it away?

I mean, I could see where she gets her resentment.

Why she's fucking this guy that fucks her better and she laughs at Shob's jokes. I mean, I get, I'm on her side. I got to be honest.

I got to talk to her.

Does she work like a full-time job? Oh, then yeah.

I don't know anything about Gaza. A lot of the stuff I make up.

That's your job.

I would rather have a day job than have to take care of my kids. You think so? Yeah, I'd rather do that.

Hey, mamas.

I guess, but then you do that video, and then I have to do stuff to take care of these kids.

And then you just like, fuck them. And then they're also taking care of the kids.

You're right, she's out shopping.

We don't really know. I don't know anything about Ukraine either. But like none of it. I know very little about it. And I'm talking about all of it.

Yeah, I mean, I would have loved if, like, my family would have, like, tried to buy my love.

Like, throwing money at a situation sounds like the nicest thing.

And some people don't buy you shit, and they're not even there anyway.

So now you're getting nothing.

Do they speak yet?

Oh, wow. I didn't realize that they talk that young.

Three kids with the same lady. How old are they? Wow, that's a big gap to start over.

Is that like a mistake? Okay.

Three mistakes. Each time you were like, fuck.

Oh, yeah.

So you still have another mistake baby come in. That's right.

I want that for you. I think you're excited for it.

I want your wife to get the boy.

She could love the boy. You could love the girls. And that's how you start your fucking army.

But he's going to be stronger than them at some point.

I'm not qualified to really talk about anything.

And then your wife's going to make the girls just dress like boys.

Your kids being trans? Not that. They would only probably be trans for a little bit. It's kind of like a phase for most people, I think.

But then it's like... You just try it on for a bit. Well, just dress like a boy and stuff.

I dressed like a boy for most of my childhood. But, like, I just think it's like, okay, then, like, let's see what else you want to do.

Don't take the testosterone until you're sure you want, like, a dick. Yeah.

I've looked them up. It's not like great. Just wear a strap on. It's like for your own. I've heard stories where people are like, so you still get that urge to come, but you can't now. I think that was a girl going to a boy or a boy going to a girl. I'm not sure which one it was, but they're like, you still get that urge and now you can't even come.

Did you even understand it? Not really. If I'm bored, I tune out so quickly. It's very hard to keep my attention. I'm just like, out. Out.

I guess so.

Especially you're on the road a lot, you know? You could both be cheating. It takes a lot of trust from both of you.

I don't think you do, and I do love that about you. Thank you, I appreciate that. I think you do love your wife. I do. I do love that, and I would hate to have to ruin that for you guys.

But also, if you start cheating on your wife, I'd be like, tell me all about this girl. It'd be understandable.

I'll switch sides very easily. I have very little allegiance.

It's especially like if you're on the road, you're traveling. The problem with you is you're pretty well known and it's so easy to probably get in touch with your wife and social media. It is harder for you, I think.

Yes. Matt McCusker.

Is it worth it? It's like it might blow up my whole family. Is this worth it?

You're not going to like lay her down and put roses.

It was just not going to blow her mind either.

Whatever you need. I'm just paying for your apartment. I'm paying for your apartment so you don't tell my wife. I'm just being extorted.

Don't throw dates at me.

You could have another family and not even leave them.

You're going to find out?

You think she would automatically get pregnant? She cheated on you?

Give her some credit that she's not going to get fucking knocked up cheating on her. What a crazy thing. She can't do it. She has to get like a load blown in her.

That's the cuckold?

Right.

Oh, okay.

That will make me come? You're disappointing another person.

But if she cheated on you with a black eye, it would probably come out a little darker.

What if it comes out a little Asian?

Then I would say, but the hues are in between the hues there.

People are upset by that?

Yeah.

I always find like whenever white people get uncomfortable about race, it means their families had lots of slaves.

I'm not against that.

Fork the money and just fucking... I wish my family had lots of slaves.

We were very poor, unfortunately. We didn't even have one.

But now you're providing for these kids and having a better life for them. It's actually like the best come up.

Just spin it how you want, Matt.

Not everyone could afford it.

Very pricey. But like, what kind of new car? Like a Civic? Yeah.

I guess Adrian, but I'm open to it.

Digging pools seems like brutal work.

Don't you think if he was going to come back, he would have come back already? Like, it's just like, it's not going to happen.

Like, I think you're looking for Ukrainians.

So this is what you get with an Irish.

And he was just like, that's what you're looking for.

This is not an updated model. I'm about to go to college next year.

But did he hire a bunch of Mexicans?

He's like, I want these outdated models.

It sounds like it's getting sexual.

I believe in it more if he went back to like Flint.

Oh, you were like so close to getting your butt fingered.

You got out of there? What happened?

They pulled you out of it.

He's like, well, if you don't say anything about me and my boxers, then I know you're kind of cool with it.

Where there's like a sexual component? I remember I did stupid things like me and my friend would go on a boat with guys we didn't know. And I'm like, oh, we could have definitely gotten raped. And we were young. We were like 17 or 18. So it's like you think back to that. You're like, that was pretty dumb. Just getting in cars with guys you don't know and going to the movies.

Me and my friends went to the movies to go see B4. Do you remember that Chris Rock movie?

Okay, it's pretty bad. But anyway, this guy has like a- Wait, hold on.

No, CB4 is like I think Chris Rock's maybe first movie. It's pretty bad.

Probably 94, 95.

I actually like that. I like that you do that.

And then when they start asking, you're like, well, maybe I'm misremembering.

You were talking at one point and I spaced out like, you know what I mean? It's just kind of, and it's not because I wasn't interested. You said something in my brain just started going for sure.

Yeah, it's like everyone lies about everything.

Anyway, so me and my friends meet these guys on the street. He has like a civic wagon. He's like, you know, Hispanic, Puerto Rican, Raul. And he has like Christmas lights in it. We all go to the movies in this guy's car and it's like, thinking back, you're like, these guys are like decent guys. They didn't like attack us or rape us or anything. And then you're like, that was pretty dumb.

And you have daughters too.

They're going to be exotic because they're Puerto Ricans.

Right.

There's a whole way, a whole system where you could do it and get away with it.

Unless you start paying them too much and then they started their own life.

You got to pay them just enough to keep them on the streets.

Keep them like, yeah, I'd keep them highly addictive, highly poor on the streets constantly.

You could just even pay one of them to do it.

But you also, if you're like a Christian, you could just be like, I'm sorry right before you die and everything's forgiven. Yeah.

Because you're going to be on the road doing shows.

I don't think you should leave the country now. Your kids are really abandoned.

They're going to be strippers now.

That's very obvious. Just go to Minneapolis. You're fine.

Go do Hilarities in Cleveland. Some guy's getting pelted with stones.

No.

Sure, look into their family.

You're not going to want to know what she's doing, though, because there's a certain, like, sexual component you're not going to want to know.

Oh, yeah, just spy on the guy. Yeah, his whole family.

Yes.

Yeah, that's not good.

Maybe one will be gay.

Women are also crazy, though. A little physical abuse, I would take over emotional abuse.

I specialize in it.

Break up with you, block you, come back.

The breakup, they come back. It's like this cycle. It's like a cyclical cycle. And it's mostly I'm doing that because they're not good for me. But then I'm also just in this chaotic. So it's like kind of like my childhood, you know, fighting, going back, fighting.

It depends what I want to, like, make them, like, more into me or make them miss me.