Adam Felber
Appearances
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
I would say fully a dozen things come to mind with the phrase land snorkeling that are not walking.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
That sounds... That sounds like having a mouth full of a giant angry caterpillar.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
And where do you get xenon gas? Well, you get to the base of Mount Everest, and behind the yurt, there's a dealer.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
This trend was invented by a very clever mosquito. Exactly.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
Wow, you know, but people think it can't get worse than that, but they haven't experimented with stacking yet. That's true.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
I am not going near a bowl that he dipped in, even single dip. So they tested all these dips. They dipped a chip in, and they assumed that dips don't lie. Dips don't lie.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
You know, but it has existed as a problem for a long time. I'm sure I'm not the only person here who's had a roommate that could have used a course in showering 101. True. And you know what? Chat GPT can't tell you if you smell.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
Despite their wealth, young tech millionaires Vikram Anand and Betty Wolfsky had a small Bay Area wedding. But last week after the ceremony, Betty surprised Vik with a gigantic reception that pulled out all the stops.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
She flew 35 members of his family in from India and staged a party straight out of a Bollywood spectacular, a tent festooned with 5,000 marigolds, a 20-piece swing band, and made her grand entrance on an elephant, which is when things went wrong.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
Bettina turned out to be an amateur mahout at best, and the elephant she'd rented was a rescued circus performer whose one trick turned out to be picking up performers with her trunk, which she promptly did as Betty attempted to dismount and then attempted to do the same to several other bridesmaids before fleeing with her trainer, knocking down two poles, causing the massive tent to collapse on the entire party.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Rice
Vikram, for his part, was philosophical. Quote, she didn't really stage an accurate Indian wedding party, but the way it ended in total disaster like that? For my family, that was right on point.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Gaffigan
Well, there's a certain imposter syndrome because I use an appetite suppressant. So it's not like I put any effort or changed any behavior. In other words, I'm kind of like it's the ultimate nepo baby.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Gaffigan
Well, I joke in the special that I used to be a fat guy, and now I'm thin, therefore arrogant, because I always viewed thin people as arrogant. But I do feel like, I mean, I love it. My knees don't hurt. With the appetite suppressant, I'm just kind of, it's not like I don't eat. I just eat like a normal human. I'm less consuming like a dog.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Gaffigan
You know, in my 20s, I was thin. And granted, I wasn't very successful at stand-up.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Gaffigan
Yeah. I mean, that shows you the position that the Catholic Church is in right now. They're like, okay, time to call in the comedians.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Gaffigan
Well, there was a really intellectually sound reason, which he believes that humor is a really important part of dealing with everyday life. And so he wanted to articulate that. But the reality of sitting in a room in the Vatican with, you know,
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Gaffigan
That was me trying to be funny. Making one of your little jokes. But I posted it and I was like, you know what, are people going to think that I'm serious? Would have been funnier from a fat guy. It was, yeah, because, you know, some of it is, you know, English is probably the fourth language that Pope Francis knows. So I didn't really bother to say anything.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Gaffigan
I just kind of like nodded and kind of, you know, just kind of was polite and move along because that's what's so amazing about religion and politics. It's like the entertainment industry, but they don't get paid anything. It's brutal. That's true.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Gaffigan
Yeah, well, I opened for the Popemobile, and I essentially did 10 minutes of stand-up outside in Philly. I followed a team of dancers, and then I went out, and I was sarcastic. I essentially bombed for 10 minutes, and then the Popemobile drove in. So it wasn't as glamorous as it sounds, really.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Gaffigan
Maybe I've just been kicking around long enough where I had, you know, I'd been burned so many times that I didn't want to emotionally invest in it. And so when, you know, the internet kind of, after Steve Martin turned it down, they kind of identified every Midwestern doughy guy. Yeah.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Gaffigan
Well, that's the good thing about being a Midwestern doughy guy is, like, you can lose the weight, but you still look out of shape. That's true.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Gaffigan
Well, it can't be the fitted sheet. Wouldn't that be great, though? I feel like it's got to be the smart pillow.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Gaffigan
Because there is something about the, not that I understand goop logic, but I think there's the nostalgia of the beauty of the past that is timeless, right? Yeah. So that would be my reasoning. But is it erotic?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Jim Gaffigan
Oh, I think it's the $1,000 delivered. It is. It's the first one.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
Every night is fight night for Ellen Walkman. In Conshohocken, Pennsylvania, school teacher Ellen Walkman is channeling her skills into a nighttime gig as a family judge. Someone who can come to your family's house and hang back on the walls like a chameleon until a fight breaks out and then she will say who was right. Like many teachers, she has a rigorous preparation process.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
Before arriving to this job as a family judge, she asks the clients what color their walls are so that she can buy a shirt that blends into the walls to to the point that she's unnoticeable to the family. At one recent gig, Walkman explains how Uncle Joe and Aunt Doreen were having a pig roast, but no one wanted to clean up the carcass.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
When it was time for her to settle the fight, she did what any good judge would do. I made them wrestle. Walkman says her new side gig has become quite lucrative, and outside of the odd brawl or two, she can decide any fight in 60 seconds or less. The secret? Always side with the mom.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
Yeah. They let their shark go next to your shark without asking, is my shark friendly? Yeah, exactly.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
No, no. Dude, it was a shark. It was crazy. It was a shark so big.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
The first thing I thought of was going to a doctor's office.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
Really? To me, yeah. I like a man who's practical, so I like it. Yeah. You know, they're safe.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
Are you loafing or are you moving? This is for the people with peasiety or whatever, because they're peeing and they're like, wait a minute, I gotta go see what's done with Great British Bake Off right now.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
I feel like, am I nuts? Two dozen eggs per person seems reasonable as a little bit.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
Folgers? Starbucks is what I meant to say. Don't think about the person.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
How am I supposed to get through till tomorrow with only 24 eggs?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
Yes. The new breakfast staple is Beanie Babies. People thought they were going to be worth a lot, and then they were totally worthless, except now as your breakfast food, and they're proteinaceous too.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
Yes, instead of hiring someone with the body type, they're like, no, Christian Bale must alone lose 4,000 pounds in one year and then gain them back the next year. Exactly right.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
They're like, monster must be Charlize Theron. Give trolls work. Come on.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
I feel like I have the opposite of anxiety. No, P-xiety. I said anxiety. You know what?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
I feel more confident when I go to the bathroom. That's my chill zone. That's where I do my connections or my wordle. I'm like in the zone in the bathroom. I gain strength. It's like, it's a confidence.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
What are the other passengers doing that's so important?