Manuel Betancourt
Appearances
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
I did not think about that at all in reading that question, but it's such a good point that it's a sticking point for them. She feels bad. She keeps bringing it up to him. And so I wonder if like in that first part of the flow chart where like, is there something that is being revealed through these jokes that he should be bringing to you directly?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
There's also a sub part of that is, is there something being revealed about him through these jokes that is very upsetting to you. Like, are you like, don't say that because that makes me think you're an asshole or you're a misogynist or you're a whatever it is. And so of course that's deeply upsetting to her because then she has to confront, is my person a misogynist?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
And we have normalized a whole culture where we're supposed to think those things are funny and brush them off even when they're not.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Or it's illuminating something about their relationship in front. Because the same thing, whether it's, you know, we've all sat in a room... at a dinner party where someone is, quote unquote, joking, making fun of their partner, where it is very clear that that joke is illuminating a level of disrespect or contempt or disdain that they have for their partner. And you can't get away with it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
It is clear if you are loving and mutually... silly with each other and the respect is there, you feel that and it's funny. And if you don't have that, you feel that and it is awkward as shit and everyone walks away being like, wow, I didn't know he had such contempt for her.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
That was upsetting. And we were all somehow complicit because we were sitting there thinking, taking it. So it's just humor is a very tricky, tricky beast. It can endear you. It can bring you together. Like some of my best bonding with John is humor. I can tell the status of our relationship by the level of silliness and teasing we can do with each other.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
It's almost like a place we can't go unless we're good. Yeah, totally. Totally. And there's other places where It's a place you go when you're not good. And then it's also a place where you're standing on the other side of the gulf where one person has a sensitivity that doesn't make sense to the other person until it's shown. And so it's really tricky.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Yeah, it's like a, oh gosh. Totally, you can tell. I mean, the origin of humor is like humid. It's moisture. And it's like this fluid moisture that something grows from, right? So it's almost like, what is that growing from? Is that growing from a resentment? Is that growing from a connection? Is that growing from an intimacy? Or is that growing from an anger? It reveals... what is under it.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
And you can tell, you can tell. Cool. Well, there you go, Jesse.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
If you're anything like me, you probably take thousands of photos every year. And while I have more photos than ever, they are all stuck on my phone. I never see them in real life. Getting them out of my phone and into my house felt like it would take more effort than I had to offer. This is why I want to tell you how easy it is to create photo books with Shutterfly.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
You can make a photo book about anything that matters to you, your family vacation, a wedding, a graduation, any special life event that deserves to have a physical memory in your home, one that you can revisit anytime and relive. The best part is that it is E-A-S-Y-E-Z. You can use Shutterfly's autofill tool to get a quick start
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
and then go in and add your personal captions and details to make it just right. Shutterfly also offers a free 24 hour designer service, a professional designer that will lay out your entire photo book for you in just one day. Make something that means something with Shutterfly. Enjoy 40% off orders over $29 with promo code hard things. See site for promotional details.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
I have something because I think I understand this. Okay, the context I have for this is in my relationship, we have figured this out with any comments about food or exercise. Okay. And so I think the idea is, so in my relationship, John has just learned that he can say absolutely nothing about food, not even the most benign things.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
One of my favorite parts about the holiday this year was our recent stay when we went to go visit Glenn and Abby's family in LA, but we stayed in our own Airbnb a few blocks away. It was the best of both worlds because look, you've got your privacy. You've got your own refrigerator. You've got your own beds, multiple beds, by the way, and your own bathroom. And you know what?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Then you can have your own bedtimes. It was just so nice to wake up in our own cozy place and have our own family time and then rejoin the larger family for the Christmas festivities and then retreat when everyone needed a little breather. So here's the deal.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Whether you're traveling with family or friends, those extra rooms, the fully stocked kitchen, not only saves you a bunch of money, but it also makes a huge difference in If you're flying solo, you can make your stay your own little sanctuary. If you're planning a winter getaway this year, I highly recommend giving Airbnb a try. Trust me, it's an experience you won't regret.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Like if I'm saying I've had trouble sleeping or I'm not feeling well, and the obvious answer is you need to go exercise or you need to eat better, which is clearly everyone knows is the answer. Right.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
This thing that you're talking about, the distance between what is and what could be, is so fascinating. It's almost like there was something in you and you needed to get it out of you. You needed to make it real. You needed it not to be an idea inside of you. So you needed it to be embodied, tangible. It's like, what else is life of like, we have this little minute, right?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
And we've got to get what is in us out of us because we know us is going. So you got it out of you in Love Warrior, in the book, because you couldn't make it real in your life you could touch. And then you and Abby, you got it out of you and Abby. Like you have that now. You don't need to create an alternate vision and version of it in a book.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
And I'm thinking about, this is so wild, but I'm thinking about Ina Garten. I'm thinking about what makes an artist an artist? What's the difference between someone who's selling shit and someone who's an artist? And I think it's that thing. They're motivated to get the thing out of them.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
I went to go see her and she was talking about, she once had a Boston cream pie in Boston and she had a vision for, I'm going to make this Boston cream pie and I'm going to have some orange flavor in it or whatever. She came home, she made a Boston cream pie. She was like, This isn't it. This isn't it. 10 years. Oh God, I love her. She made 1,000 versions of the Boston cream pie.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Like I'm telling you, the first one would have been good enough to go in her cookbook and sell a bazillion teen copies like she does. It wasn't having a recipe that was sellable enough to go in her book. It was, I had the vision. I can see the orange Boston cream pie. I can taste the way it's going to taste. And I won't stop until I taste that in my mouth.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
This cannot be said out loud because any kind of suggestion that I should be exercising or that eating a certain thing is better than eating another certain thing is so close to the bone that it just, I actually can't tolerate it. It's so upsetting to me. And I think I understand maybe her partner because by any objective measure, that's insane.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Knowing that we wouldn't know the difference between year third and year 10. Like we're so stupid out here. It was her thing she needed for herself. Yeah.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Well, why does it have to be suffering? It reminds me of the Martha Beck where it's like all of your stuff has come from sadness, but joy is an equally vast well. Exactly.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
for John not to be able to say what is obvious and objectively true. And when it comes with zero, I have zero data to think that John wishes that I would be anything other than exactly what I am. So it doesn't make sense that I interpret things like him saying, you look healthy. to be you look fat. Oh God. And you have had changes to your body and you whatever.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
I also would recommend if this is a fascinating topic for people to listen to episode 141 with Sarah Bareilles because she talked over and over about how she thought sadness was her identity and that was from where her art came from and her decision to start medication and how scary that was for her and what she found on the other side of it. And it's, that was a beautiful conversation.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
So exciting. Oh, my God. I can't believe we can't talk about it yet. I'm like peeing in my pants.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
So notwithstanding that, notwithstanding that there is zero evidence to support that that is his intention. That is how I am
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Sure thing. So if you are currently on social and you're following Glennon on Instagram, you go to her page and you click the link in the bio. That's the one website that is showing, you know, on her Instagram page. The second button down after you click that link will take you to a place where you can enter your email address and then we can add you to the newsletter.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Also, if that seems too complicated and you're not on IG, you can just go to glennandoyle.com. In the middle of the page, there'll be a little box that says your email and then a button by it that says sign up. And that's it. Not selling anything, not doing anything like that. Worst case, if you have trouble, you can go to Glennon Doyle and then there's a connect link at the top.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
That connect will also take you to a page where you can sign up for the newsletter. So lots of options, but glennondoyle.com or the link in the bio on IG. And also it is true, like there's a lot of really cool things coming up and it's very toxic and gross on social media.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
And also ineffective to tell people about things because it's just a very small percentage of you all will see what we post and there's really stuff you're going to want to see. So we'll do the updates there.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
feeling about it yes and so it was a journey right because similar to maybe how her partner is saying but there's no meanness in it he's feeling the need to defend like I am not being mean I have no meanness in me about it it's funny I should be able to say funny things it could be like that same parallel yes in a neutral world you should be able to do that and in a neutral world my husband should be able to suggest that maybe if I didn't eat six pounds of sugar before bed
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
I would sleep better. But we don't live in a neutral world. And I think being able to explain to John that this has absolutely nothing to do with what he is bringing with his comments. It has everything to do with a wound that was existing before I even met him.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Right. Right. But it's not about intent. I could see I have to live my whole ass life. I like making funny jokes. I like quipping. That's the way that I have endearing. It puts one person against another person. It puts one person's rights against another person's rights as if that is the battle. But when you say, yes, in a neutral world, I should be able to roll with that. I get that.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
in a neutral world, you should be able to comment about certain things, but that's not like, I need you to see, not that this is a battle between me and you, but this is a thing that is not about what you're saying. It's about something that happened to me way before. Yeah. And you saying this very benign thing is activating that piece.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
It's not a power struggle between me and you about what is funny and what is not. And I think that opens up people don't have to defend themselves. Right. Like if you say that's not nice, that's not funny, that's mean. Of course, they're going to be like, that's not mean for the following 47 reasons. And that's just natural instinct.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
But I think if you're able to show that it's literally not about them, then I think that you can both stand on the same side and look at it together and be like, oh shit, that's your thing? Yeah. That's how you feel? That's scary and sad.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
We know with kids when one little kid says to another little kid, you're a stupid idiot. And then the other kid cries. And the first kid said, I was just being funny. We say like, well, do you see how funny it only works if you're laughing together? Exactly. And it's not funny if the other person is crying. But then we get into adults and then we're like, what's wrong with that other kid?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Why are they crying? So the flow chart is first, you're figuring it out. Okay, you have this problem. Your first step is figuring out, is this hurtful to you? Because there's something underlying in your relationship that makes this hurtful.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Do you believe that your partner is harboring this kind of like wishing you would change, holding a resentment that they're unwilling to address directly so they're sneaking it into these jokes and trying to pretend like they're not doing it? That's the first step, right? If... All of that is not true.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
And you don't have any other data to support that they are trying to get this meanness to you, but they still can't understand why you're impacted in such a serious way that they're trying to defend themselves and be like, but I wasn't being, I wasn't hitting you. I wasn't hitting you.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
Then you go to this next step where you have to figure out what is the legitimate wound pre-existing this partner in you? Did your mom who always said she loved you, but made merciless fun out of you and laughed about it in front of your friends and you were supposed to laugh too because it was quote unquote funny. What was the thing?
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
What is the thing that is, or is it the specific substance of the joke? Kind of like me with the food thing.
Savage Lovecast
Savage Lovecast Episode 953
That is just like a pressure cooker spot for you. And you just have to explain and show that it doesn't have anything to do with him and what he can and should be able to get away with. It has to do with who you are as a partner and whether he wants to continue to rip open that wound or not.