Jordan Schlansky
Appearances
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'm sorry. I respect inanimate objects, okay? It's like a Japanese mentality, okay? I treasure these. If they were sentient, I think they would value the way I treated them. Nevertheless, I went to replace this product when it was damaged. I live in the United States and I was served this Panasonic ER411. This is disgusting. What?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
This is oversized. It's light and plastic. It looks like a rocket ship. The cutting mechanism I actually replaced. This had been discontinued, but I was able to buy the cutting part. I replaced it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Yeah. This was an inadequate product. This was no longer made in Japan. It was made in a country that is arguably known for some lower quality production methods. It looks like a rocket ship. It draws unnecessary attention to itself. It's a bright silver color. This was what you would get as an American after the glory days of nose hair trimmers.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Well, one is silver and one is gray. We define ourselves by the objects we interact with every day. I surround myself with beauty, with high levels of aesthetic pleasure, and it's not only putting on beautiful clothes, it's also using a beautiful nose hair trimmer. It's also understanding that everything we interact with defines our life. So I wanted a well-made product.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
So built is like milked, not built. I didn't build you money. I didn't build. I didn't help you build an empire. No one said you'd build anything like the second employee of Apple in 1976 is a multibillionaire because they got it in a time where Apple wasn't a sure thing. They were risking their potential future.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I was not happy with this product, but I thought it was my only option. So I trimmed my nose hair unhappily with that product. And when did this one commit suicide? You found this guy hanging. So then I visited the country of Japan and I found out that Panasonic sells a different nose hair trimmer model for the Japanese clientele. Oh, so they sell us the inferior one. The ER-GN10.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
And look how sleek and stylish this product is. This thing feels amazing in the hand. It's perfectly balanced. It's reminiscent of my old ER-409. This is from 25 years ago. This is from today. Why do you know the serial numbers? And since I was in Japan, I knew that this was not going to last forever, despite the fact that it is still made in Japan in a high quality. So I bought spares.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
And then I found that on my second trip, they had come out with the ER... It originally was the ERGN-10. Then they came out with the ERGN-11. I bought two of those. Hold on a second. Let me see this. Look at the beautiful... Just look at the packaging. I mean, this is clearly a product made for a clientele that demands high quality products. Look at your eyes. You look insane.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Why do they sell this to Americans and this beauty? Why do they sell this disgusting rocket ship to Americans and this beautiful piece of machinery to the Japanese clientele? I just I don't understand the logic of that. But nevertheless, how many of these did you buy? I bought four of them. But now I can see you being a little worried that you should have bought a fifth.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You take what you're given. I don't know what kind of nose hair trimmer you you just buy whatever is available. I seek out high quality wherever on the planet it may lie. What do you even use to trim your nose hair?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
What does that have to do with anything? You don't employ a hair and makeup person. What are you talking about?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Okay, so you may contract one intermittently, but I'm saying that's not going to take care of your nose hair on a regular basis. I use little scissors. How do you get rid of that quantity of hair with a simple manual device like that?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
They could have chosen Saturday Night Live when they were offered an internship on one of two shows.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
There's got to be over 100 individual hairs between those two nostrils. Are you telling me? I use little scissors. How long does that even take? And it's a little bit curved. Are you confident in the quality of your work? I know that if I look in that nose right now and I show the light in there, if you're using manual scissors, there's no way you're accomplishing an efficient whisker removal.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
It's not often talked about. You have hair removal challenges. You have shaving problems and you always have. I'll come in and I'll see huge patches of hair on your face, isolated patches of hair. I don't know how, when you have resources available to you, I don't know how this passes inspection.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
They took the one that was on 13-week renewals. Now, you know, in that situation, like if you look at the history of the tech companies, the secretaries at Apple and Microsoft are now billionaires. Now, I kind of equate myself to that type of situation. I came in in the early days. There were no guarantees. It was a little bit rough.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'll come in one day, you've got like a little, you've shaved, but you've got like a tuft of red hair under your nose where your mustache would be. You've got like a random, your neck a lot of times have like, you have shaving problems. And just acknowledge.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You'll have a clump of hair sticking out of your neck in an arbitrary position. Do you want to know what the problem is?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'm not concerned with individual hairs. Hurtful. I'm just asking you, do you feel, if you can improve in some way by listening to the things I have to say, why do you have to ridicule? I'm not ridiculing. You have the means. Why do I have to buy it?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'm not going to put a price tag on this. $100. If someone's doing something better than you, don't ridicule. Just be like, I learned something.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Oh, it's Socrates. Oh, it's Caesar. I understand. Oh, you can be more efficient shaving your nose hair with the eHarchigan 10.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'm not giving it back. Don't expect that when we walk out of this door, I'm giving it back. You don't have to give it back. Do you want the ERGN-10 or the GN-11?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'm not clear on what the difference is. That's something I'm curious about, but it's written in Japanese, so you can get... Well, what's the latest version? Oh, I don't know. I'm going to guess if there's the ERGN-10 and the ERGN-11. I'm going to guess maybe the ERGN-11 is more recent. Maybe they're going in a backwards lumbering scheme. If I ever see the GN9, I know that that's a steal.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I mean, these are just basic questions. I don't need to read Japanese or understand anything specific about nose hair. Just give me everything you have. No. You think you have more than 200 in cash on you?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'm just saying you have room for improvement. This is nothing to be ashamed about. This is something to embrace. I can help you improve.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
And I expect at this point, 30 years later, I would be sitting pretty on a pile of cash.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
No, this is not what I use for my ass.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
What goes up the old bottom? I don't remove hair in that area. Why would you leave that there? Why? I don't have any problem with that hair. What do you mean? I have no problem with that hair. Why do one orifice and not just... This one is visible. Well... This one is, you know, displayed. Uh-huh.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Well, I've got a AA in mind. You may not want the nose trimmer itself, but you could take my battery, I hope. Yeah, I'll take the battery. I mean, the battery's been in indirect contact with my nose and ears.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Now, you stick that up your nose, and if I hear a grinding sound... Hear that? Yeah, I hear it. Hear that? Yeah. If I hear a grind... You're clearly not doing a good job with your scissors. That was all left behind.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Oh my God. Each one of these blasts has like four hairs in it. What do you mean blast? It just keeps going. You're just still in the same nostril. I'm still in the same nostril. So how often do you do this? Do you do this every day? Every Tuesday and Friday, I find it the most efficient days to remove the hair.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Yeah, you haven't even gotten to your ears yet. Ears? Yeah, do you still feel like your quaint scissor method is efficient? You know what, I have to say this is better.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
And you don't have to worry about this disgusting device. And you claim that you don't learn anything or that there's no value in the knowledge that I have. And look at you now.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You know, there's nothing that I can tell you that you haven't heard before. That's not of any value.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
No, that's not a level where you have the top advisors begging to give you their information. I remember when you had these personal trainers in the 90s, you had these guys like, oh, no, we'll learn. This is Will Arnett's guy like you. And I started to give you nutrition advice. Please. I think I've got this covered. I've got Will Arnett's personal. It was actually Will Arnett. Yeah.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
No, Arnett was training me. And I would see these protein powders in your office and they were like low quality soy proteins with like incomplete amino acid profiles. And you're like, don't worry, I've got the best people in the business. You let me eat incomplete amino acids?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You have this theory where you're special and you want the best of everything, but you assume that there's nothing that I can tell you that you can't get a better answer on from someone else.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Who else in your life is going to tell you about the ERGN-11? No one else. What other soul on this planet would ever tell you about this? This cost me $200. Yeah. That's a lot. Well, you have to take into account that I cannot easily replace it. There was a plane ticket involved. I brought it into the country. I imported it. I mean, there's a lot of middlemen that were cut out of the deal.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
If one is resourceful, I'm sure they can find a way to obtain it.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
bag and you're carrying it around and it's sad i admit i have a bag with nose hair trimmers on it these are cool i mean this is you know i'm going to say something these are uh nice yes now i'm i'm going to go home tonight and my wife expects me she's going to notice your clean nose i presume and and she and not just today but going forward this device may last you many years
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Does this also work on the ears?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I have no recollection of looking at my buttocks in the way that I believe you're referring to.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
It doesn't concern you. Have you? Have I what? looked at your anus, I guess, is where you were going with this?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You know, speaking of Tracy Ellis Ross, she asked you about bar soap or liquid soap. You neglected to mention the most important factor in that question, the pH level. You see, liquid soap is often a detergent. Sometimes it's actually a soap that is to say a saponified fat. But often it's a detergent which has a lower pH closer to that of your skin.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Does it go into a chamber at the top? You'll have to clean that out from now.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Naturally, the problem with soap is that it disrupts the acid mantle of the skin.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Uh, I'm pretty content to be honest with you. Uh, I don't really have any chronic conditions, psychological or otherwise. You know, basic human responses. We have fear and frightful situations, and we may feel anxious in situations that would classically inspire such a reaction. I wouldn't say I fall victim to a lot of the...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I know my strengths and my weaknesses and I know my characteristics and I'm I'm quite content with them. Um, you know, I know my limitations and my I'm quite familiar with your limitations.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Yeah, I'm talking about my own psychology. Your treatment of me over the years in financially and otherwise is a completely different subject. I'm talking about psychologically. I am introverted, which I don't think is any secret. And I'm certainly a psychologist. You'll likely read that right away. INTP, if you're a fan of the Myers-Briggs classification system.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Yeah, it's a good question. That is a good question. I get a lot of different responses. Do you understand? I'm going to guess that a lot of people get mostly consistent responses from those around them with, you know, a few outlying responses. But I get very different responses from different people. I find some people despise me and I find...
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
But I find that an equal, if not more, number of people embrace me. And I think that if you average it all out, it equals a normal person's response. But mine is a bit polarizing with equal numbers on both sides. And I guess there are a few apathetic in the middle that really don't care one way or the other.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Well, I'm not concerned with being normal. That was never high on my priority list.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Yeah. I like to think that I'm a good person. And in the end, overall, I increase the quality of the lives of people around me. Of course, there are a few exceptions. Inevitable. That's just attrition. as you get in business and life in general. But I try to be a good person. I try to improve the world around me and my limited time here on this earth.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
But of course, I don't hit it out of the park every single time. And, you know, some people are easy to read, and I may have more of a stoic demeanor, even if it doesn't necessarily represent what's going on inside me. And some people, when faced with that kind of blank slate, find it often pudding and intimidating in a way. And I understand that and respect that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Okay, well, listen, Stephanie has made a very good observation, and I am different depending on who I'm talking to, and I do have many sides of my personality, and I truly maintain that they're all genuine, many sides, and the person I'm talking to often evokes a certain aspect, subdivision of my personality, and it is true that you consistently, I'm gesturing to my co-host Conan, evokes a certain response from me
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Whereas if I were just talking to Stephanie or some of our other colleagues, they may get a different response from me.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Yeah, good question. Well, I'll tell you, Conan has a certain energy. Some may even say polar opposite to my own. He's very extroverted, very textbook extrovert. He feeds off the energy of others and feels drained when he doesn't get that response from others. And I'm exactly the opposite. And, you know, Conan, we are the same species, Homo sapiens.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
But our minds are wired so very differently, it's hard to believe we're the same species. And when I watch him, and I like to observe human beings and humanity in general.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
When I watch him and how his mind works, I marvel at it because... In addition to his many talents, his many tangible talents, I marvel at how very different his mind is than mine. He he will go out of his way if we're on an airplane sitting across the aisle to get my attention, to yell across the aisle. And I turn his way and expect he's going to have some great witty quip.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
And he just makes a ridiculous face at me. And that was that was so important to him that he had to yell across a crowded airplane cabin to get. And I'm thinking I would never I could have the best joke or observation in the world. I would never take that.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I haven't become a multimillionaire despite getting in at the early days when I could have lost my job at any point, but still stuck with you through thick and thin.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
What kind of expression do you want in that moment? I'm just sitting watching the hours go by.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
But there's nothing wrong with a placid pond. That's that's what you're missing here. You always need movement. But sometimes the the silence is where the magic is, the stillness.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
OK, while I acknowledge that you and I have very different personalities, who's to judge whose personality is superior? You're implying that your own personality is superior.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Well, I'm no psychologist, but to me, I detect an air of insecurity and overcompensation. I don't need to judge you and who's you're certainly an exceptional human being. No question about it. Thank you. And if you compare me to the average human, you might think that I'm a bit different and I don't disagree.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
However, when it comes to assessing which is the superior way to be, that's when things get a little murkier. And I don't know that we need to have that competition.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'm saying Steve Jobs' secretary can buy this entire complex. Well, I prefer the term assistant. Yes.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
The convoluted premise that you used to get into these scenarios just baffles me. Why the nose hair intro? Why not just say we have a psychologist on the phone? Why do you feel you need to justify?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
At the time, she was probably referred to as a secretary. Nevertheless, I expect that there might be some kind of financial sense of accomplishment as opposed to my. Well, guess what?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
If I was in the process of writing it at this very moment, then you could say you write a limerick. Any other context? I wrote a limerick, yes, back in the 90s.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Well, for those unfamiliar with the concept of a limerick, it's a specific. No need. You can just say it. Across Eyre, a young traveler set out on a quest to find fortune, no doubt. As he strolled into Ennis, he was pulled a cold Guinness, hence the lad's pot of gold was that stout.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I'm not qualified to answer that question.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Well, I don't remember exactly. I believe it may have been a trip to Ireland. I've never been to Ireland. I'd love to go to Ireland. It was actually a pub. A pub. A pub in Ireland.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I think you may be referring to a similar contest in an adjacent year. Nevertheless, I believe there was an essay one year and maybe a limerick. There was definitely a limerick involved.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
And a limerick was not required. Listen to me. There's a marketing team at Guinness. I'm sure there are a bunch of 30 somethings and they get wind of this and they talk to each other. Is this true? Is this true? Well, ask Ron. He's the old time around here.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
He was back here in the 90s and they go to Ron and Ron's, you know, kind of moved up the ladder a little bit, but never really achieved greatness at the company to the point where he could retire. So they ask Ron, was there a thing? And he's like, yeah, there's something about an essay. And they look up the essay and maybe the essay was 96 and mine was 95. Jordan, do
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I would never choose to write a limerick if I could have written an essay. I don't want to be confined to very few words.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
There was a contest for a limerick. It was specifically a limerick. Do I look like someone that would just decide to write a limerick?
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
And you decided to write a limerick. My limerick had nothing to do with Guinness is. I'm telling you, these were two separate contests. They had a thing. They went through a period where like every year they had a contest and there was a prize. Nevertheless, it's the same. It's the same intent. You write, you use your creative literary skills.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You're yelling. You're yelling. And I want you to take it down. I'm just saying I was not in direct competition with this woman, but we are compatriots. We are counterparts, maybe one year apart.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
You know, I take your point about taking a pouring class because there is a very specific way to do it. There are YouTube videos of bartenders kind of trolling customers and pouring it the wrong way. And it's fascinating to see people know how much head's supposed to be on there. Not too little, not too much. Nevertheless, I don't drink beer myself.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I appreciate the sentiment, even if the second line in the limerick had a meter that was slightly too verbose.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
So I'm not getting a trip to Ireland.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
So how come you're not drinking any? I told you I don't drink beer.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
liking the beer was not a qualification of entry. All I'm saying is, look, I appreciate the sentiment. This is a nice PR story, but let's look at the facts. I did not get a trip to Ireland. I certainly did not get a pub in Ireland. I got one can of a beverage that I don't even drink.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
And in addition to the effort that I put in 30 years ago, you have, as you mentioned, advertised the product quite extravagantly. Nevertheless, I see four cans of this beverage on the table in return.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Yeah, I was asked to bring in a product that I identify with or that I believe in. I'll start by saying that I try to buy very few products in my life. I believe that we can live minimally. But the products that I do buy, I want them to be of a very high quality. I want them to have something special about them. And then I have to buy fewer products going forward because they last longer.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Now, life used to be simple 25 years ago, okay? If you wanted to buy a nose hair trimmer in the United States... You may have bought the Panasonic ER-409. This is my own unit from about 25 years ago.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
Sure. I don't have the exact lineage of it, but that's about the time I started trimming my nose hair. I can't tell you if it started growing in then or if I just became aware of it then. But this is a relic. This is an ancient relic. If you look on the bottom, you'll see that it's made in Japan. Of course, Panasonic's headquarters. I never thought much about nose trimmers, but I didn't have to.
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend
The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell
I simply trimmed my nose hair with that. And you can trim ear hair as well if you choose. And that was the end of it. It was a successful operation. Yes. The operation was a success. The operation was a success. And then this product was damaged. I may have dropped it. I don't remember. It may have just failed due to its age.