Dr. Samantha Boardman
Appearances
Something You Should Know
The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
Yeah, no, that clarity and that perspective.
Something You Should Know
The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
And I think when you're often like even using your body in some way, or you're doing something where your mind is occupied by something other than that thing you need to solve, it's even when you have some kind of hobby or something that you, you know, are engaged in, even if you're reading a work of fiction, or you, you know, we're just going, you know, to work on some, I have one patient who does puzzles, like she does puzzling, you know, when she's stressed out, and,
Something You Should Know
The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
It is this. And she was reluctant like you. She was like, oh, I just want to get that stuff done and then I can get to that stuff. And she's found it's been really helpful to even take those breaks, distract herself and then come back to what's bugging her.
Something You Should Know
The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
And rumination is, you know, truly an on-ramp to depression and anxiety. And rumination is, you know, that experience when you're just going over and over and over again, the same issue in your head. It's like that ticker tape running on the bottom of the screen, except it's on your, you you know, worried about something that you should have done or that is going to happen in the future.
Something You Should Know
The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
And, you know, there's research out there that shows how much behavior activation therapy works. And when you're, you know, because it's one thing to have an insight in your mind even or have a greater understanding about why you do what you do. But if you're not acting on it, like you're still kind of in the same place.
Something You Should Know
The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
Yeah, no, that's really interesting. And it goes, it sort of dovetails with what we were speaking about earlier, too, with self distancing. Another technique that I found is helpful is when you ask your, you know, you remove yourself from the situation in your mind by thinking, like, what would a fly on the wall observing this situation? Like, what would they be? How would they be describing this?
Something You Should Know
The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
And that can also interrupt some of that really negative self talk that can be so paralyzing. Another strategy could be, if my future self were looking back at this moment, what would my future self advise me to do? And what would they say about this? Again, to sort of interrupt that rumination when you're just stewing in it.
Something You Should Know
The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
Other research shows that with with rumination, one of the best ways to disrupt it is to go for a walk in nature. And even a short walk seems to, I think, just shift perspective and actually get us out of our own heads.
Something You Should Know
The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
And sometimes I think when we're out of our own heads, we you know, that's where we have this this perspective and sense of clarity and that we're able to make better choices and even maybe solve some problems as well.
Something You Should Know
The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
One thing that I think we know how important it is to eat well and to sleep well and to exercise and those sort of lifestyle interventions. But one thing we don't, I think, maybe speak enough about is how having close friends in relationships is really the secret sauce of mental health. But how do we work at those relationships?
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
Because we often see people who are high achievers and we think, oh, aren't they great? They're heroes. They've done this all on their own. And we don't recognize that huge network of people behind them who have helped them achieve and get to this place.
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
One of the best strategies that we have for not only managing hassles and stress in daily life, but also for just feeling good and strong is doing something for somebody else. I think that it's really an undervalued wellspring of vitality in our lives.
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
And the next thing is really when we do feel challenged, when we're engaging in something that is really stretching us in some way, which might be the opposite of the thing that we want to do. But looking at studies, it shows that people are less burned out at work when they have hobbies outside of work that they do. And the thing about having a hobby is it's something that you do that you don't.
Something You Should Know
The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
need to excel in. It's something you do just for the love of the game and something that's just fun. And even making peace with being sort of mediocre at something and just doing it because it's joyful and it's really fun. And, you know, when we do something, there's so much research out there, too, showing that when we do something, instead of trying to... If we have a goal...
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
if we're instead of trying to make it something that we're taking away something like people who want to lose weight or stop smoking, the goals that seem to be the most productive are the ones that we do with somebody else and it's fun and that engage our strengths. And that to me is really important for vitality because in psychiatry, I spend a lot of time kind of trying to focus on what,
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
makes people less miserable. And then I ended up studying positive psychology and I got a master's in positive psychology, looking at actually what makes people thrive and what is, you know, what gives them a sense of purpose and even what helps them find wellness within illness or strength within their everyday stress.
Something You Should Know
The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
And consistently, like reliably across the board, it's where they experience uplifts, where they feel connected with others, where they feel challenged and where they feel like they're contributing to something beyond themselves.
Something You Should Know
The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
No, it's really interesting in how our brains are, you know, that we do the opposite all the time and how our expectations are so different. Like, here's an interesting example, like with gratitude, that people just oftentimes, they just don't express it or they just think it's going to be really awkward if they say something to somebody or like, oh, that person already knows that.
Something You Should Know
The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
Or, gee, I can't even find the words to say it. Correctly, maybe like if I write a note, it'll be awkward and strange and they'll think that I don't you know, I'm not articulate enough in some way, but how we so underestimate the benefit, like how good that person is going to feel when they receive that. And also how good it's going to make us feel having written it.
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
Another example of where we sort of get it grossly wrong is we assume that we're going to be that we're happier when we're just sort of by ourselves and that we don't really want to have a conversation with anybody. And that, you know, being like that, we choose solitude. so often over connection and that we think that connection is going to drain us or that we don't really feel like it.
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
And studies show that people in general feel so much better having had a brief conversation with somebody that that, again, sort of lifts us out of ourselves. Our distorted sort of expectations of how something will make us feel and then the reality of that, I think, creates this opportunity squandered.
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
Yes. And it's just this missed opportunity there to make that the recipient is going to feel so good. And they don't care that it's like a 10-page letter, just a nice note saying why it was meaningful. And also sometimes I think we talk a lot about gratitude and people make gratitude lists, but they're usually very self-oriented. When we're expressing gratitude, it's about other people.
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
saying, thank you so much for that thing. Like, you know, the way you do that, really, I admire. Don't make gratitude about you. And, you know, one way that I think that can really help people maybe feel a little bit, you know, more comfortable writing gratitude letters or just thank you letters as well is make it easy on yourself. Buy some stamps.
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
have some stationery sitting there so you don't have to think of all these different little moving parts that you need to do to get that gratitude letter in the mail. And I have to say, whenever I receive one, I have a gratitude wall that I put it up on because it's so valuable. It's really gold when someone does that and it's really generous.
Something You Should Know
The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
Thank you so much.
Something You Should Know
The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
Hi, thanks for having me.
Something You Should Know
The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
You know, it was, I think Muhammad Ali who had said, it's not the mountains that wear us out. It's the pebbles in our shoe. And it's, there's a lot of evidence to support, you know, the idea that having many hassles in your everyday life really can add up.
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
And not only like in the moment, it affects you psychologically and physically, but they also stay with you and they accumulate and they add up over time and they can take an even bigger toll on our health than major life events.
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
And I think some people, by temperament, they're maybe born that way. They're more maybe Teflon than they are Velcro. And for some of us, I'd say certainly myself, I tend to be a little bit more Velcro. And that stuff really sticks with me. I think most react by then... assuming that this is going to be a horrible day.
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
And as these accumulate over the course of the day that you sort of just double down and we end up like our coping strategies are often the exact opposite of the thing that would make us feel strong. It's when we sort of think, I deserve to order a fried egg and cheese right now for lunch or spend the afternoon or the evenings eating watching TV until late at night.
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
And we end up with what they call a guilty couch potato syndrome. And we end up sort of choosing activities that are further depleting and that make us feel even worse.
Something You Should Know
The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
It was, I think, Muhammad Ali who had said, it's not the mountains that wear us out, it's the pebbles in our shoe. And there's a lot of evidence that having many hassles in your everyday life really can take an even bigger toll on our health than major life events.
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
Well, vitality is that positive feeling of aliveness and energy that I think is at the very heart of wellbeing. And it's something that we don't really talk about enough. It's a physical and psychological experience.
Something You Should Know
The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
And why I think it's so important is because it helps us manage everyday hassles and just those annoying irritations, those micro stressors that are embodied in the fabric of everyday life.
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
Well, 100%. And I think our expectations shape so much of what we experience. When we are sort of overwhelmed and we're feeling that accumulation of hassles, and the hassles themselves aren't really problematic. It's how we perceive them. Is this really going to pummel me? Are these pebbles in my shoe really adding up? And what we need to counter them is uplifts. And uplifts, I mean...
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
being sort of experiences that create positive emotion. And there's a lot of uplift imposters. And I think that are ultimately vampires of vitality. And that is, you know, when we reach for our phones and we fall into that hole, or when we end up canceling our plans or doing the sort of those unhealthier behaviors, but really uplifts, they don't happen in your head.
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
They're really embodied actions and what we do. And I think we create these uplifts that buffer these hassles and
Something You Should Know
The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
it's in our having positive interactions and communications with other people when we feel like we're connecting well with others and it could be with our loved ones with a stranger it could be an uber driver it just is having some kind of connections and i think those fortify us the second thing that really helps uh
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
I think us manage those hassles by creating uplifts is when we feel like we're contributing to something beyond ourselves, that we're sort of doing something somehow for someone else. And it's not that you have to go away and join the Peace Corps, but just in some small ways that you're doing things for others and that your day feels purposeful.
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
And then in the third way is that when you feel like you're challenging yourself in a You're learning something. You are stretching yourself in some way that sort of thinks like, wow, I have some form of self-efficacy in me. These are really actions that we can take.
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
They don't cost anything, but we really need to prioritize them and be deliberate about creating uplifts, I think, in our everyday lives to manage these hassles and so that they don't take such a toll on us.
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
you know, I think it was Chekhov who said, any idiot can handle a crisis. It's a day-to-day living that wears us out. And I think it's, you know, it depends on the, you know, for one person, you know, on that day, it might be like two things that go wrong or five things. And we're not, I don't think we're accountants. We're not keeping score.
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
But what often happens is, you know, we just end up with this overall feeling of unhappiness, of just irritation or aggravation. And that that really does shape how we're approaching everything else and how other hassles are affecting us.
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
Yeah. No. So here's like a really concrete example of that. And it would be, first of all, it's not doing the things that are depleting a vitality and engaging in those vampires of vitality, which is, okay, I'm just going to cancel my plan, stay home, get lost in a social media rant or something like that. But what can make me feel good? A classic uplift would be
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
I'm going to go for a walk outside. I'm going to leave my phone at home. And I'm going to look around me. And I'm not going to have earphones in or earbuds in. Look deliberately for something that delights you in some way. And what's interesting is you start looking for something that will delight you. You end up building that delight muscle.
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
There's a wonderful book called The Book of Delights that I love a lot, written by a philosopher at the University of Chicago. And it really talks about how when we're sort of priming ourselves for this and you can be doing this and you need to do it all the more when you're having a tough day. And I think you need to really override your inclination to go down that rabbit hole and feel worse.
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
And there's a lot of evidence. One way to do that would be to use what psychologists call self distancing when you. think to yourself, well, what would I advise a friend in this moment to do? Or sometimes I ask my patients to be on you. What would be the opposite of the thing you feel like doing right now? And even think of somebody you admire, what would they do in this moment?
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
Because it can help lift us out of ourselves. And I think so much of psychology and psychiatry, we assume it's happening in people's heads, but actually how we feel really depends on sort of how we're interacting with the world and activities, actions that we take can really shape how we feel.
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
We know from, you know, there's so much evidence that points to maybe on that walk, distancing yourself from some of those hassles might help you find some clarity to help you actually solve them.
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
And I think that game of walk-a-mole that we're playing all the time, you know, that actually when you sort of pause the game and you walk away from it, you might be a little bit more effective when you return. I mean, I think there's loads of evidence showing that most people have even bigger breakthrough moments, physicists, artists, looking at, you know, across different disciplines.
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The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
It's, you know, we often hear about those in the shower moments, like that's when somebody like thinks, you know, oh, wait a minute, I've just solved that problem. But there's really evidence showing that that is the case.
Something You Should Know
The Surprising Toll of Life’s Daily Hassles & What Exactly is American Cuisine?
So it's often when we're not thinking about the thing we need to be thinking about that we, I think, clear our minds and we're able to, I think, be more effective in the way we solve those problems and deal with those hassles.