Diego Aguirre
Appearances
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Beef
It's the summer of 2012. I'm about to turn 30, and I am more lost than ever. I have a huge chip on my shoulder for years now, courtesy of a violent childhood, my time in the Marine Corps, and a dangerously irresponsible resistance to therapy. I'm angry at the world. I have a short temper. I drink too much. I fight. I'm a nightmare to my on-again, off-again girlfriend.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Beef
I can't keep jobs or friends. The only friends I really have are wherever I happen to be working at the time, my co-workers. And even them, eventually, I push away. I have trouble getting along with people. I don't really like them. I don't play well with others. I've never been comfortable in a room with more than five people without any alcohol in me.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Beef
One afternoon, during this dark time in my life, I leave work after a lunch shift, and I walk by this Petco. And outside of it, an animal rescue had set up shop. All along the sidewalk, there were crates with dogs in them up for adoption. And I spot this one beautiful gray and white pit bull. He's got the sweetest face, kindest brown eyes.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Beef
He's got this gnarly, fresh scar on the side of his snout here, another fresh scar across his belly. I ask the lady who runs the rescue, this sweet little Puerto Rican lady from the Bronx. I go, who's this guy, what's his story? She goes, it's here is Papi. I found him up in the Bronx a couple of weeks ago. He had just got hit by a car. His insides were all out. I'm like, Jesus.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Beef
He's okay, he'll be fine. He's up for adoption. I'm like, oh, man, I wish, but impossible. I work in a restaurant. I'm never home. I wouldn't have time for him. I wouldn't be able to give him the life he deserves. She's like, oh, okay, I see. Hey, could you just do me a big favor? Could you just give him a quick walk around the block for me so he can go potty? I knew what she was up to.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Beef
But I'm not one to pass up an opportunity to hang out with a doggy, so I take him around the block. And sure enough, by the time we get back, that was it. I'd fallen head over heels with this guy, and there was no way I was going home without him. I adopted him right then and there. So I bring him home. I sit him down. And I go, all right, first order of business, we gotta change your name.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Beef
Because there is no way when people ask me what's your dog's name, I'm saying Boppy. I saw this movie when I was a kid, Rumble Fish, one of my favorite movies. Main character's name is Rusty James. Love that name ever since. So I went with that. And it fit him perfectly. So I have a dog now. And everything just gets better immediately.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Beef
That first night, I got some of the best sleep I'd gotten in a very long time. Went to bed early. He slept right by my side, never moved. Slept like a human, on his side with his head on the pillow. I wake up in the middle of the night from one of my usual nightmares. Put my arm around him. I calm right down, fall back asleep. Our first walk, I notice I'm much more laid back.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Beef
Things that would normally irritate me, I let them go. For example, this guy decides we're in England, is walking towards me on the wrong side of the sidewalk, his left, instead of saying something like I normally would. Just look down at Rusty James, looking up at me with that sweet face. You're right, not worth it. Let's move over. My life slowly but surely begins to change. I begin to change.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Beef
Diego, we're going out for drinks, you coming? I can't, I gotta go home and walk Rusty James. I can't, I gotta go feed Rusty James. I can't get into it with this guy. I get arrested, I'm not out of jail till tomorrow. Rusty James is fucked. I gotta walk away. I can't get into a fight with my girlfriend. Rusty James will freak out. I'll talk to you tomorrow.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Beef
Rusty James begins to mold me into this better man that I would eventually become under his tutelage. I learn things like patience, understanding, tolerance, forgiveness, unconditional love. Even when my girlfriend and I break up for good, we still share custody because I understand that having double the love and care is the best thing for them.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Beef
But there's still this one little big problem that I find myself struggling with. That's my little issue with people. Not liking them. Not being comfortable around them. And Rusty James actually makes it worse. because you gotta understand, I'm walking around with the cutest dog on the planet now. And with that comes a lot of attention from people, strangers, and I'm not ready for that.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Beef
Can I say hi to your dog? Can I pet your dog? Sure. They barely get down to say hi, I'm outta there. Okay, thank you, bye. I'm a freak. I'm a dick. I'm like that for a while. One day, this old man in a wheelchair rolls by us. He's gotta be well into his 80s. He's being pushed by his caretaker nurse. And he sees Rusty James and he just lights up. I mean, just cheese from ear to ear.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Beef
Rusty James clocks him. You make eye contact with Rusty James and that's it. I mean, he's like, oh, you wanna say hi? You want in on this? Let's go. That man was so happy, petting Rusty James. The sounds that were coming out of him were delightful.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Beef
And it occurred to me, man, Rusty James and I have the power to, as silly as it sounds, with all the messed up stuff in the world that we can't do anything about, we have the power to provide people with a little joy, a smile, if ever so briefly. Why not? Why rob them of that? Why rob him of that? Let him say hi. So I start to let my guard down.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Beef
I make a conscious effort to engage, to be nice, to open myself up. Can I say hi to your dog? Please, by all means. And we get to talking, and it's not so bad. It's actually quite nice. I'm not melting or anything and thinking to myself, look at you, Diego, you can do this. And don't look now, but you're sober. And I discovered it was just so much easier and less exhausting than being a dick.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Beef
Five years go by. Five life-changing, life-enriching years. And my ex-girlfriend, who, as I mentioned, we share custody, but by this point, he's as much hers as he is mine. She informs me that she got a job in Texas, where she's originally from, and that she's going to take it, and she has to be there in a month. So now comes time to decide on Russ James' fate.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Beef
And it is a painful but logical no-brainer. I mean, she'd have steady income, house, backyard, friends and family to help out, and I had nothing and nobody to deprive him of the heaven that would be for him. Having him struggle with me in New York would be criminal. So Rusty James and I squeeze every moment we can out of the next 30 days.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Beef
And on the last day, Rusty James and I say our goodbyes in my ex-girlfriend's empty East Village studio apartment in Manhattan. And we go downstairs and we say goodbye some more. And they hop on their rented U-Haul truck and take off. And after five years with my sweet, sweet boy, he's out of my life, just like that. And I am just destroyed. I just want to get fucked up.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Beef
I want to drink myself into oblivion for the rest of the day, the week, the month. There's a bar across the street, and I intend to do just that. But I'm also afraid because I know what the state I'm in. There's no telling when I'll be able to get out of this dark hole. I know myself. I'll go on a bender. I don't give a fuck about my job, people. I don't care.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Beef
There's a gym to my right that I used to go to sometimes. Now I'm torn. Do I go straight, drown my pain? Do I go right, sweat it out, face it head on? Straight right, straight right. And I thought to myself, what would Rusty James want me to do? If he were still here and I had to come home to him tonight, which version of those two would he want walking through the door? I went right.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Beef
I went to the gym. I never did see Rusty James again after that. But his mama was really good about sending me updates on him, pics and videos of him tearing it up in the country, living his best life. And he lived a long and happy one until he died an old man about a year and a half ago. And though I never saw him again, He's always remained a constant presence and influence in my life.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Beef
Every decision I make, every action I take, I try to do so as if he were still waiting for me at home or as if he were looking up at me on one of our walks. Thank you.