Daria Burke

It's such an honor.

It's such an honor.

I think she represented... a before time when things were good, even if I couldn't fully remember all of that. She represented a safety and a stability and a level of care and attention and intention that was markedly absent after she passed away. And I think it was easy to tell myself a story that that was the shift.

I think she represented... a before time when things were good, even if I couldn't fully remember all of that. She represented a safety and a stability and a level of care and attention and intention that was markedly absent after she passed away. And I think it was easy to tell myself a story that that was the shift.

That her death was the end of these before times that were secure and safe and loving and nurturing, very much driven by her presence.

That her death was the end of these before times that were secure and safe and loving and nurturing, very much driven by her presence.

Yes. I have memories that have come back to me. I write about one of them in the book that suggests that perhaps she was using before my grandmother died. And I imagine that grandma was probably a bit of a buffer for us as kids in some way. Her presence was so formidable and consistent that I think it would have been quite difficult to actually have her.

Yes. I have memories that have come back to me. I write about one of them in the book that suggests that perhaps she was using before my grandmother died. And I imagine that grandma was probably a bit of a buffer for us as kids in some way. Her presence was so formidable and consistent that I think it would have been quite difficult to actually have her.

The same kind of proximity to my mother's addiction that I had after my grandma died. And so it's when I was around age seven or eight that my earliest memories of my mother's addiction emerged and where I have great clarity on that shift in her behavior and in the ways in which we related to her and could rely on her.

The same kind of proximity to my mother's addiction that I had after my grandma died. And so it's when I was around age seven or eight that my earliest memories of my mother's addiction emerged and where I have great clarity on that shift in her behavior and in the ways in which we related to her and could rely on her.

It's interesting. I don't know that I would call it – I would have called it a problem because I was so young. I knew pretty early on that my mother was not like other mothers in that we weren't having snacks made for us when we got home from school. She wasn't hovering to make sure that our homework was getting done. Dinner could be a bit of a scavenger hunt at times.

It's interesting. I don't know that I would call it – I would have called it a problem because I was so young. I knew pretty early on that my mother was not like other mothers in that we weren't having snacks made for us when we got home from school. She wasn't hovering to make sure that our homework was getting done. Dinner could be a bit of a scavenger hunt at times.

And so I even then started to get the sense that something was different. I think my...

And so I even then started to get the sense that something was different. I think my...

Fear around people learning about how things were at home began probably between eight and nine when we wouldn't really want our neighbors to go beyond our front porch and we didn't want them to come into the house because they might find that we didn't have our electricity have been turned off or we didn't have running water. The gas had been turned off.

Fear around people learning about how things were at home began probably between eight and nine when we wouldn't really want our neighbors to go beyond our front porch and we didn't want them to come into the house because they might find that we didn't have our electricity have been turned off or we didn't have running water. The gas had been turned off.

We often didn't have a working telephone, so I didn't give my phone number out to people generally, really until high school. But it was really clear to me that there was something that should be hidden from people. And that was, I would say, my first instinct.

We often didn't have a working telephone, so I didn't give my phone number out to people generally, really until high school. But it was really clear to me that there was something that should be hidden from people. And that was, I would say, my first instinct.

Not at that age. I don't know what anyone knew. If they knew anything, they never said anything. And so my earliest, if I think about it now in reflection, I think the first people who probably had instincts were... were probably folks in my life when I was in high school.

Not at that age. I don't know what anyone knew. If they knew anything, they never said anything. And so my earliest, if I think about it now in reflection, I think the first people who probably had instincts were... were probably folks in my life when I was in high school.

And I think I had a different kind of freedom and could therefore be in places with friends and with their parents that maybe created more points of exposure. I think as small children, there wasn't a lot of investigation or interrogation necessarily. And to be fair, one of the boys who lived next door, his mom had four children. Each of the children had a different father.

And I think I had a different kind of freedom and could therefore be in places with friends and with their parents that maybe created more points of exposure. I think as small children, there wasn't a lot of investigation or interrogation necessarily. And to be fair, one of the boys who lived next door, his mom had four children. Each of the children had a different father.

You know, they had their own kind of chaos, for lack of a better word. And so everyone had their own story that they were living in. And I imagine it's easy to get lost in the details of your own life when you're also working really hard to put food on the table and keep the bills paid and take care of aging parents or whatever the case may be.

You know, they had their own kind of chaos, for lack of a better word. And so everyone had their own story that they were living in. And I imagine it's easy to get lost in the details of your own life when you're also working really hard to put food on the table and keep the bills paid and take care of aging parents or whatever the case may be.

I will say that there was one moment that there was a song that that came out in the 90s about, it was children taunting another child that the child's mother was on crack. That's right.

I will say that there was one moment that there was a song that that came out in the 90s about, it was children taunting another child that the child's mother was on crack. That's right.

And I do remember when that song came out, just wondering if anybody would figure out somehow that that was my story, that that was true for me. And I hated that song because it felt like I was being taunted through the radio.

And I do remember when that song came out, just wondering if anybody would figure out somehow that that was my story, that that was true for me. And I hated that song because it felt like I was being taunted through the radio.

I mean, kids would sing it at school. And so it was there. And I think I just tried to pretend like nothing was wrong and I would just sort of ignore it and wait for it to go off or wait for people to stop singing it. No one ever sang it at me, but it always felt very much like I was at risk of being exposed.

I mean, kids would sing it at school. And so it was there. And I think I just tried to pretend like nothing was wrong and I would just sort of ignore it and wait for it to go off or wait for people to stop singing it. No one ever sang it at me, but it always felt very much like I was at risk of being exposed.

Well, my mother didn't work, and we typically weren't getting child support from my dad. And so we lived on public assistance. My mother got food stamps, and there was a small check payment, cash payment, essentially, that we got every month. And so it summed together maybe around $500 or so, $300 or so of that was food stamps.

Well, my mother didn't work, and we typically weren't getting child support from my dad. And so we lived on public assistance. My mother got food stamps, and there was a small check payment, cash payment, essentially, that we got every month. And so it summed together maybe around $500 or so, $300 or so of that was food stamps.

And then the rest of it came in cash that was really just enough to cover the mortgage payment and maybe the electric bill or the utilities. They were often off. And so those bills were going unpaid. We would generally do like one big grocery store trip at the top of the month, which was like Christmas. It was always so fun.

And then the rest of it came in cash that was really just enough to cover the mortgage payment and maybe the electric bill or the utilities. They were often off. And so those bills were going unpaid. We would generally do like one big grocery store trip at the top of the month, which was like Christmas. It was always so fun.

But my mom, generally, she was getting food that we could kind of fix ourselves. A lot of like ready-made and heat to eat or just... bread and cheese and hot dogs, that kind of stuff, cereal, milk. You know, she'd get eggs and things that she'd make us for breakfast from time to time. But when it ran out, there was no second big trip to the store.

But my mom, generally, she was getting food that we could kind of fix ourselves. A lot of like ready-made and heat to eat or just... bread and cheese and hot dogs, that kind of stuff, cereal, milk. You know, she'd get eggs and things that she'd make us for breakfast from time to time. But when it ran out, there was no second big trip to the store.

She usually would do that first big trip and then sell the food stamps, the rest of them, for money that she could then use to buy drugs. So we grew up without a lot. I write about a time when I actually went to the grocery store to steal food because we didn't have any in the house. It was quite scarce.

She usually would do that first big trip and then sell the food stamps, the rest of them, for money that she could then use to buy drugs. So we grew up without a lot. I write about a time when I actually went to the grocery store to steal food because we didn't have any in the house. It was quite scarce.

In some ways, I think it was just this act of faith and not a religious faith, but like an inner knowing that there was another way to live that was possible beyond what I had witnessed. Certainly, it helps when you have media around and so TV and And books played a role in that for me as well.

In some ways, I think it was just this act of faith and not a religious faith, but like an inner knowing that there was another way to live that was possible beyond what I had witnessed. Certainly, it helps when you have media around and so TV and And books played a role in that for me as well.

I suppose it was a blessing to have grown up as a Cosby kid, you know, to be able to grow up and witness a family that was so different from mine. And parents who were not only... present, but they were successful. And you had a mother who was a lawyer and a father who was a doctor. And there was conversation about art and about school and education, and we saw loving discipline.

I suppose it was a blessing to have grown up as a Cosby kid, you know, to be able to grow up and witness a family that was so different from mine. And parents who were not only... present, but they were successful. And you had a mother who was a lawyer and a father who was a doctor. And there was conversation about art and about school and education, and we saw loving discipline.

And so I think I could grasp onto some of the images that I saw on TV. And I was such a reader that I think it fed my escapism as well in that way. And every chance we got, in school to do anything different, whether it was a field trip to a museum or to a farm or the zoo. It just all felt so expansive for me.

And so I think I could grasp onto some of the images that I saw on TV. And I was such a reader that I think it fed my escapism as well in that way. And every chance we got, in school to do anything different, whether it was a field trip to a museum or to a farm or the zoo. It just all felt so expansive for me.

And I really held so tightly to the possibility that there was another way to live, even though I didn't have a lot of evidence that it was real.

And I really held so tightly to the possibility that there was another way to live, even though I didn't have a lot of evidence that it was real.

Okay, so by the time I was 10 years old, I was reading Danielle Steele. Oh, really? And I don't know where I got these books from. Someone in my mother's life... Must have been a part of one of those membership clubs, you know, where you could sign up for. Yeah. Remember, Columbia House Records had it for CDs, and then there was one for books. So I had come across Full Circle.

Okay, so by the time I was 10 years old, I was reading Danielle Steele. Oh, really? And I don't know where I got these books from. Someone in my mother's life... Must have been a part of one of those membership clubs, you know, where you could sign up for. Yeah. Remember, Columbia House Records had it for CDs, and then there was one for books. So I had come across Full Circle.

It was the first book of hers that I read. And it was like a salmon pink cover. And that was what I was reading. I was not reading Sweet Valley High and Judy Blume. I was reading Danielle Steele.

It was the first book of hers that I read. And it was like a salmon pink cover. And that was what I was reading. I was not reading Sweet Valley High and Judy Blume. I was reading Danielle Steele.

Girl. And then Terry McMillan. Yes.

Girl. And then Terry McMillan. Yes.

There are a couple of reasons. I think the first one is that there was something specific about the telling of my story in this way that was a knitting together all of these selves that I had shed along the way towards survival and a reclaiming of them and an honoring of them. That felt really important to me.

There are a couple of reasons. I think the first one is that there was something specific about the telling of my story in this way that was a knitting together all of these selves that I had shed along the way towards survival and a reclaiming of them and an honoring of them. That felt really important to me.

And I suffered in silence for years because my story was a secret and I only told very few people along the way that I didn't want that for other people. I wanted the little kid who felt alone.

And I suffered in silence for years because my story was a secret and I only told very few people along the way that I didn't want that for other people. I wanted the little kid who felt alone.

Like they were escaping in books and looking at stories that felt so far and away from their lives to maybe find this book, the teenage version of myself, to find it in a library or having been gifted it and to see themselves in a story that also affirmed that their reality didn't have to be their destiny, that everything that they had inherited, they didn't have to carry.

Like they were escaping in books and looking at stories that felt so far and away from their lives to maybe find this book, the teenage version of myself, to find it in a library or having been gifted it and to see themselves in a story that also affirmed that their reality didn't have to be their destiny, that everything that they had inherited, they didn't have to carry.

And that was so deeply important to me just personally. And I think had I allowed myself to share my story with more people, I wouldn't have been so alone in that journey for as long as I was. I got so much out of stories as a young person. So this is certainly my offering in that regard.

And that was so deeply important to me just personally. And I think had I allowed myself to share my story with more people, I wouldn't have been so alone in that journey for as long as I was. I got so much out of stories as a young person. So this is certainly my offering in that regard.

The other reason, though, that I wanted to tell my story was because when I learned about post-traumatic growth, That was such a revelatory moment, but it also felt like a mission. I had this mission suddenly that I wanted to tell people about this phenomenon that occurs for people who experience adversity as well.

The other reason, though, that I wanted to tell my story was because when I learned about post-traumatic growth, That was such a revelatory moment, but it also felt like a mission. I had this mission suddenly that I wanted to tell people about this phenomenon that occurs for people who experience adversity as well.

It's a phenomenon that occurs where... Amidst or on the heels of an adverse event or a traumatic event, some people actually report experiencing a greater sense of personal strength or stronger relationships, deeper spiritual values, a greater sense of possibility in their lives. And I was, first of all, fascinated by this idea. That alone felt, I understood that.

It's a phenomenon that occurs where... Amidst or on the heels of an adverse event or a traumatic event, some people actually report experiencing a greater sense of personal strength or stronger relationships, deeper spiritual values, a greater sense of possibility in their lives. And I was, first of all, fascinated by this idea. That alone felt, I understood that.

That spoke to what I saw and what I thought about my own life and my own experience. And I wanted to understand more. And what I learned, there's two things about post-traumatic growth that I think are phenomenal that everyone must know. The first are the conditions under which we tend to experience it.

That spoke to what I saw and what I thought about my own life and my own experience. And I wanted to understand more. And what I learned, there's two things about post-traumatic growth that I think are phenomenal that everyone must know. The first are the conditions under which we tend to experience it.

And there are three things that are common with people who've reported experiencing PTG after a traumatic event. One is that they have a supportive community around them, so they know that they've got a loving environment of people who are there for them.

And there are three things that are common with people who've reported experiencing PTG after a traumatic event. One is that they have a supportive community around them, so they know that they've got a loving environment of people who are there for them.

The second is that they find a way to make meaning with what happened and make meaning of what occurred in their lives in whatever way, great or small. The third, which is really hard to do, but important, is that they find the benefit of what happened.

The second is that they find a way to make meaning with what happened and make meaning of what occurred in their lives in whatever way, great or small. The third, which is really hard to do, but important, is that they find the benefit of what happened.

And I think in so many ways I saw my own story, the benefits of my story, such that I could be a witness for someone else, that I could share this with someone else. And then it's the who. Who is most likely to experience post-traumatic growth? And that really blew my mind. It's people from impoverished backgrounds. Why is that? Is it the grit? It's the grit.

And I think in so many ways I saw my own story, the benefits of my story, such that I could be a witness for someone else, that I could share this with someone else. And then it's the who. Who is most likely to experience post-traumatic growth? And that really blew my mind. It's people from impoverished backgrounds. Why is that? Is it the grit? It's the grit.

And when I look at all three of those populations or identities, experiences, they're all groups that have been forged despite conditions that weren't always favorable to them, to us, right? As a girl who was born poor and black and female, right?

And when I look at all three of those populations or identities, experiences, they're all groups that have been forged despite conditions that weren't always favorable to them, to us, right? As a girl who was born poor and black and female, right?

I was consistently consuming messages, right, even subliminally, that I shouldn't want very much, I shouldn't have very much, that I wouldn't have the wherewithal or the intelligence or the strength to create the kind of life that I've made. And so in learning that these populations are actually most likely to experience the

I was consistently consuming messages, right, even subliminally, that I shouldn't want very much, I shouldn't have very much, that I wouldn't have the wherewithal or the intelligence or the strength to create the kind of life that I've made. And so in learning that these populations are actually most likely to experience the

growth and a sense of strength and greater sense of relationships after trauma was really revelatory for me.

growth and a sense of strength and greater sense of relationships after trauma was really revelatory for me.

Okay, so by the time I was 10 years old, I was reading Danielle Steele.

Okay, so by the time I was 10 years old, I was reading Danielle Steele.

And I don't know where I got these books from. Someone in my mother's life must have been a part of one of those membership clubs, you know, where you could sign up for. Remember, Columbia House Records had it for CDs, and then there was one for books. So I had come across Full Circle. It was the first book of hers that I read. And it was like a salmon pink cover. And that was what I was reading.

And I don't know where I got these books from. Someone in my mother's life must have been a part of one of those membership clubs, you know, where you could sign up for. Remember, Columbia House Records had it for CDs, and then there was one for books. So I had come across Full Circle. It was the first book of hers that I read. And it was like a salmon pink cover. And that was what I was reading.

I was not reading Sweet Valley High and Judy Blume. I was reading Danielle Steele. You're down the romance novel. Girl. And then Terry McMillan. Yes.

I was not reading Sweet Valley High and Judy Blume. I was reading Danielle Steele. You're down the romance novel. Girl. And then Terry McMillan. Yes.

It's my most frequently asked question, and it never ceases to make me laugh.

It's my most frequently asked question, and it never ceases to make me laugh.

Definitely. It started really young. In fact, it started so young, I don't remember. I think my ability to put myself together in a way that would eliminate doubt about what kind of care I was receiving at home... was really a bit of a gift. I think I had that natural instinct to do it.

Definitely. It started really young. In fact, it started so young, I don't remember. I think my ability to put myself together in a way that would eliminate doubt about what kind of care I was receiving at home... was really a bit of a gift. I think I had that natural instinct to do it.

And I think the fear that my mother instilled in us that we would be separated and perhaps put in foster care or some other child protective care, that if we were to make it known, that we felt unsafe at home or that we thought that there were problems at home, that we would be separated.

And I think the fear that my mother instilled in us that we would be separated and perhaps put in foster care or some other child protective care, that if we were to make it known, that we felt unsafe at home or that we thought that there were problems at home, that we would be separated.

And so my reaction to that was to look cared for and to make sure that I went to school with my hair just so and my clothes were pressed and My behavior was pristine. Everything was as pristine as I could make it. And we didn't have particularly nice things, but they were always looked well tended to and laundered.

And so my reaction to that was to look cared for and to make sure that I went to school with my hair just so and my clothes were pressed and My behavior was pristine. Everything was as pristine as I could make it. And we didn't have particularly nice things, but they were always looked well tended to and laundered.

I used a wash tub where I would wash my clothes by hand if we didn't have running water or the electricity was out. We couldn't run the washing machine. And I would do it by hand, and I'd hang my clothes. I had seen my grandmother do laundry this way. So I was really, really careful about that. Certainly, if you were to see me today, you see the adult representation of that.

I used a wash tub where I would wash my clothes by hand if we didn't have running water or the electricity was out. We couldn't run the washing machine. And I would do it by hand, and I'd hang my clothes. I had seen my grandmother do laundry this way. So I was really, really careful about that. Certainly, if you were to see me today, you see the adult representation of that.

But it's been like that my whole life, as long as I can remember. I remember even... My grandmother had bought us dresses, I think it must have been for Easter one year. And so, you know, I was seven when she passed away. So we must have been younger than that. And they were emerald green. And I didn't like green, apparently. And I was very angry and I didn't want to wear the dress.

But it's been like that my whole life, as long as I can remember. I remember even... My grandmother had bought us dresses, I think it must have been for Easter one year. And so, you know, I was seven when she passed away. So we must have been younger than that. And they were emerald green. And I didn't like green, apparently. And I was very angry and I didn't want to wear the dress.

So I've had opinions about my appearance for a very, very long time.

So I've had opinions about my appearance for a very, very long time.

When I learned about neuroplasticity first, I was just floored. And I suppose that it started to answer some questions for me just in understanding this idea that the brain and the ways in which it adapts is not fixed or finite. I think the meme up to that point for me had been that by the age of 25, 26, our brains are formed, we are who we are, and... good luck. And the brain is plastic.

When I learned about neuroplasticity first, I was just floored. And I suppose that it started to answer some questions for me just in understanding this idea that the brain and the ways in which it adapts is not fixed or finite. I think the meme up to that point for me had been that by the age of 25, 26, our brains are formed, we are who we are, and... good luck. And the brain is plastic.

The plasticity in neuroplasticity is about the brain's ability to adapt and to change and to evolve in response to experiences, to things that we learn, to the stories that we tell ourselves. And that for me was such an aha moment in that one, I wanted to just know more about the concept because my instinct there was, well, what else don't I know about this?

The plasticity in neuroplasticity is about the brain's ability to adapt and to change and to evolve in response to experiences, to things that we learn, to the stories that we tell ourselves. And that for me was such an aha moment in that one, I wanted to just know more about the concept because my instinct there was, well, what else don't I know about this?

How else might this articulate some of what I had been feeling? Because as you mentioned, people have this reaction when they meet me. And when I say they have this reaction, I get this two to three times a week sometimes where people walk up to me and ask some version of, do I report the news or are you on TV? So I

How else might this articulate some of what I had been feeling? Because as you mentioned, people have this reaction when they meet me. And when I say they have this reaction, I get this two to three times a week sometimes where people walk up to me and ask some version of, do I report the news or are you on TV? So I

But I could often never really explain when I was telling someone about my family background and they couldn't make sense of this person. They said, well, you don't look like what you've been through, so to speak. And I could never fully explain how I had come to be this other person. And this idea with neuroplasticity that...

But I could often never really explain when I was telling someone about my family background and they couldn't make sense of this person. They said, well, you don't look like what you've been through, so to speak. And I could never fully explain how I had come to be this other person. And this idea with neuroplasticity that...

Every new piece of information, every new stimulus, every new story we tell ourselves, all of that helps inform the way we see the world and the way in which our brain will adjust and move beyond its tendency to recreate what it knows or to hinge on what it knows. And from there, my appetite to learn more just became voracious again.

Every new piece of information, every new stimulus, every new story we tell ourselves, all of that helps inform the way we see the world and the way in which our brain will adjust and move beyond its tendency to recreate what it knows or to hinge on what it knows. And from there, my appetite to learn more just became voracious again.

Absolutely, I did, because I also knew that both of my grandfathers had addiction. And so I didn't drink in college. I was such a goody two shoes. I didn't touch anything. I was just so afraid that this monster would emerge if I had given it just a taste of what it was looking for. And eventually allowed myself to relax a little bit more around that and feel a little bit less concerned. But

Absolutely, I did, because I also knew that both of my grandfathers had addiction. And so I didn't drink in college. I was such a goody two shoes. I didn't touch anything. I was just so afraid that this monster would emerge if I had given it just a taste of what it was looking for. And eventually allowed myself to relax a little bit more around that and feel a little bit less concerned. But

That fear stayed with me for many, many years. And by the way, I think that the conditions under which any one of us who may have a propensity towards addiction or the ways in which that gene may get expressed, it is still real. And so I try to be very mindful about that and be so self-aware about that. I also just don't have the instinct to do drugs, and so that helps.

That fear stayed with me for many, many years. And by the way, I think that the conditions under which any one of us who may have a propensity towards addiction or the ways in which that gene may get expressed, it is still real. And so I try to be very mindful about that and be so self-aware about that. I also just don't have the instinct to do drugs, and so that helps.

Yes, I did. And by then, I felt so clear. I had a different kind of agency when you're a teenager. And I suppose typically it's the time where you're wrestling a bit with or rumbling with your parents for agency and claiming more independence. I already had it. So the decision to test into and attend Renaissance was mine alone. And the decision to where I went to college was mine.

Yes, I did. And by then, I felt so clear. I had a different kind of agency when you're a teenager. And I suppose typically it's the time where you're wrestling a bit with or rumbling with your parents for agency and claiming more independence. I already had it. So the decision to test into and attend Renaissance was mine alone. And the decision to where I went to college was mine.

I certainly got advice and guidance that led me away from going to college in Los Angeles, where I was born. planning to attend the University of Southern California and to go closer to home at Michigan because I had a younger sister who was still in high school at that time. But other than that, the decisions were mine, and I felt very clear that that was the pathway through.

I certainly got advice and guidance that led me away from going to college in Los Angeles, where I was born. planning to attend the University of Southern California and to go closer to home at Michigan because I had a younger sister who was still in high school at that time. But other than that, the decisions were mine, and I felt very clear that that was the pathway through.

We're not. Our relationship really, I would say, was deeply challenged when I was in high school and then going into college. She disappeared from our lives for long stints, twice in a four and a half year period of time. And so by the time I graduated from college, I think I had one more go in me then to attempt to have a relationship with her. She had been away for two and a half years.

We're not. Our relationship really, I would say, was deeply challenged when I was in high school and then going into college. She disappeared from our lives for long stints, twice in a four and a half year period of time. And so by the time I graduated from college, I think I had one more go in me then to attempt to have a relationship with her. She had been away for two and a half years.

We didn't know where she was. At one point, I thought maybe she had died. And we just had no word of her whereabouts. And I learned after naively wanting to believe that perhaps she was better, she had gotten married again, and she was living in what seemed like a much more stable environment. I thought she was doing well. And I learned when I was 22 years old that she was still using drugs.

We didn't know where she was. At one point, I thought maybe she had died. And we just had no word of her whereabouts. And I learned after naively wanting to believe that perhaps she was better, she had gotten married again, and she was living in what seemed like a much more stable environment. I thought she was doing well. And I learned when I was 22 years old that she was still using drugs.

And it was then that I made the very conscious decision to walk away from our relationship and And we've been estranged since then. That's over 20 years. Over 20 years. It's been since 2002.

And it was then that I made the very conscious decision to walk away from our relationship and And we've been estranged since then. That's over 20 years. Over 20 years. It's been since 2002.

Yes, she picked us up for church every Sunday. And so it was very routine for us to get dressed and to wait for her. What was interesting about that particular day was that she had actually passed the exit to our house. And so when her car was found, she was already beyond where she would have turned off to come pick us up and then, you know, get back on the freeway to go to church.

Yes, she picked us up for church every Sunday. And so it was very routine for us to get dressed and to wait for her. What was interesting about that particular day was that she had actually passed the exit to our house. And so when her car was found, she was already beyond where she would have turned off to come pick us up and then, you know, get back on the freeway to go to church.

The conversation I had when he, well, he suffered a stroke and my sister was the one who had called me about it. When that happened, he was incapacitated. He was in the ICU. It took me back to the last conversation that we had had years prior where he had reached out to me. And his outreach was always so random. And so I could never understand what prompted a phone call or anything.

The conversation I had when he, well, he suffered a stroke and my sister was the one who had called me about it. When that happened, he was incapacitated. He was in the ICU. It took me back to the last conversation that we had had years prior where he had reached out to me. And his outreach was always so random. And so I could never understand what prompted a phone call or anything.

But in this instance... he had called me to wish me a happy birthday. And he didn't know that I lived in New York at that point in time, that I had enrolled in business school at NYU. And it just sent me into a rage. I was so angry when he said that he was proud of me. And I couldn't believe that he had the audacity to have pride for something that he couldn't take credit for.

But in this instance... he had called me to wish me a happy birthday. And he didn't know that I lived in New York at that point in time, that I had enrolled in business school at NYU. And it just sent me into a rage. I was so angry when he said that he was proud of me. And I couldn't believe that he had the audacity to have pride for something that he couldn't take credit for.

And as he was in the ICU and There was a question of his recovery at all from the stroke that had placed him there. I just remembered that conversation and that event. And it was such a difficult moment. I wrestled with what to do. Do I try to go be by his bedside? Do I continue to keep the distance that I've had all of these years? What would that even look like?

And as he was in the ICU and There was a question of his recovery at all from the stroke that had placed him there. I just remembered that conversation and that event. And it was such a difficult moment. I wrestled with what to do. Do I try to go be by his bedside? Do I continue to keep the distance that I've had all of these years? What would that even look like?

Yeah, it's a complicated relationship. Absolutely.

Yeah, it's a complicated relationship. Absolutely.

I think he had heard that I was in town and he drove by. I don't write this in the book. I can't believe I'm telling this story. I hid in the bathroom because I didn't want to see him the entire time he was there. And I asked my nephew or one of my nieces to bring my wine in the bathroom with me.

I think he had heard that I was in town and he drove by. I don't write this in the book. I can't believe I'm telling this story. I hid in the bathroom because I didn't want to see him the entire time he was there. And I asked my nephew or one of my nieces to bring my wine in the bathroom with me.

So I was sitting in the bathroom, you know, the toilet seat down on the toilet, drinking wine, waiting for him to leave. And I think it became clear to him that I was not going to come out to see him. I didn't want to. have an interaction with him. And so eventually he left, but I probably was in the bathroom for about a half an hour.

So I was sitting in the bathroom, you know, the toilet seat down on the toilet, drinking wine, waiting for him to leave. And I think it became clear to him that I was not going to come out to see him. I didn't want to. have an interaction with him. And so eventually he left, but I probably was in the bathroom for about a half an hour.

I was just so angry. He would have this way of making me so angry because he could act like nothing had happened. He could always act like everything was normal. Like it was normal to not be in your children's lives and to only see them a couple of times a year and that it was normal to go years without speaking and then to just want to fall into casual conversation. It was maddening to me.

I was just so angry. He would have this way of making me so angry because he could act like nothing had happened. He could always act like everything was normal. Like it was normal to not be in your children's lives and to only see them a couple of times a year and that it was normal to go years without speaking and then to just want to fall into casual conversation. It was maddening to me.

And it was ultimately why I'd asked him not to call me again back when I did. I was about 26 at the time. So I'd been estranged from my mom for four years by then, and frankly, technically, my father as well, because he was so intermittent in our lives anyway. And so it was just always this rage that I would find.

And it was ultimately why I'd asked him not to call me again back when I did. I was about 26 at the time. So I'd been estranged from my mom for four years by then, and frankly, technically, my father as well, because he was so intermittent in our lives anyway. And so it was just always this rage that I would find.

I could sum it up very quickly, because all I wanted to do was shout him and tell him, you know, this isn't normal, but that's not the relationship that we have.

I could sum it up very quickly, because all I wanted to do was shout him and tell him, you know, this isn't normal, but that's not the relationship that we have.

There are a couple of reasons. I think the first one is that there was something specific about the telling of my story in this way that was a knitting together all of these selves that I had shed along the way towards survival and a reclaiming of them and an honoring of them. That felt really important to me.

There are a couple of reasons. I think the first one is that there was something specific about the telling of my story in this way that was a knitting together all of these selves that I had shed along the way towards survival and a reclaiming of them and an honoring of them. That felt really important to me.

And I suffered in silence for years because my story was a secret and I only told very few people along the way that I didn't want that for other people. I wanted the little kid who felt alone.

And I suffered in silence for years because my story was a secret and I only told very few people along the way that I didn't want that for other people. I wanted the little kid who felt alone.

Like they were escaping in books and looking at stories that felt so far and away from their lives to maybe find this book, the teenage version of myself, to find it in a library or having been gifted it and to see themselves in a story that also affirmed that their reality didn't have to be their destiny, that everything that they had inherited, they didn't have to carry.

Like they were escaping in books and looking at stories that felt so far and away from their lives to maybe find this book, the teenage version of myself, to find it in a library or having been gifted it and to see themselves in a story that also affirmed that their reality didn't have to be their destiny, that everything that they had inherited, they didn't have to carry.

I've thought about this in two different ways. It's sort of the sliding doors moments that we all have in our lives. And on the one hand, I've wondered if she had some sense that she should just go to church without us. This was before cell phone, so she wouldn't have been calling to let us know that she wasn't coming.

I've thought about this in two different ways. It's sort of the sliding doors moments that we all have in our lives. And on the one hand, I've wondered if she had some sense that she should just go to church without us. This was before cell phone, so she wouldn't have been calling to let us know that she wasn't coming.

And that was so deeply important to me just personally. And I think had I allowed myself to share my story with more people, I wouldn't have been so alone in that journey for as long as I was. I got so much out of stories as a young person. So this is certainly my offering in that regard.

And that was so deeply important to me just personally. And I think had I allowed myself to share my story with more people, I wouldn't have been so alone in that journey for as long as I was. I got so much out of stories as a young person. So this is certainly my offering in that regard.

The other reason, though, that I wanted to tell my story was because when I learned about post-traumatic growth, That was such a revelatory moment, but it also felt like a mission. I had this mission suddenly that I wanted to tell people about this phenomenon that occurs for people who experience adversity as well.

The other reason, though, that I wanted to tell my story was because when I learned about post-traumatic growth, That was such a revelatory moment, but it also felt like a mission. I had this mission suddenly that I wanted to tell people about this phenomenon that occurs for people who experience adversity as well.

Yes. It's a phenomenon that was discovered, gosh, maybe 30 years ago now. It still hasn't made its way into the zeitgeist. And I'm now on a mission to change that.

Yes. It's a phenomenon that was discovered, gosh, maybe 30 years ago now. It still hasn't made its way into the zeitgeist. And I'm now on a mission to change that.

But it's a phenomenon that occurs where amidst or on the heels of an adverse event or a traumatic event, some people actually report experiencing a greater sense of personal strength or stronger relationships, deeper spiritual values, a greater sense of possibility in their lives. And I was... first of all, fascinated by this idea. That alone felt, I understood that.

But it's a phenomenon that occurs where amidst or on the heels of an adverse event or a traumatic event, some people actually report experiencing a greater sense of personal strength or stronger relationships, deeper spiritual values, a greater sense of possibility in their lives. And I was... first of all, fascinated by this idea. That alone felt, I understood that.

That spoke to what I saw and what I thought about my own life and my own experience. And I wanted to understand more. And what I learned, there's two things about post-traumatic growth that I think are phenomenal that everyone must know. The first are the conditions under which we tend to experience it. And

That spoke to what I saw and what I thought about my own life and my own experience. And I wanted to understand more. And what I learned, there's two things about post-traumatic growth that I think are phenomenal that everyone must know. The first are the conditions under which we tend to experience it. And

And there are three things that are common with people who've reported experiencing PTG after a traumatic event. One is that they have a supportive community around them. So they know that they've got a loving environment of people who are there for them.

And there are three things that are common with people who've reported experiencing PTG after a traumatic event. One is that they have a supportive community around them. So they know that they've got a loving environment of people who are there for them.

The second is that they find a way to make meaning with what happened and make meaning of what occurred in their lives in whatever way, great or small. The third, which is really hard to do, but important, is that they find the benefit of what happened.

The second is that they find a way to make meaning with what happened and make meaning of what occurred in their lives in whatever way, great or small. The third, which is really hard to do, but important, is that they find the benefit of what happened.

And I think in so many ways I saw my own story, the benefits of my story, such that I could be a witness for someone else, that I could share this with someone else. And then it's the who. Who is most likely to experience post-traumatic growth? And that really blew my mind. It's people from impoverished backgrounds. Why is that? Is it the grit? It's the grit.

And I think in so many ways I saw my own story, the benefits of my story, such that I could be a witness for someone else, that I could share this with someone else. And then it's the who. Who is most likely to experience post-traumatic growth? And that really blew my mind. It's people from impoverished backgrounds. Why is that? Is it the grit? It's the grit.

It's unlike her, so that scenario feels a little strange, but it's definitely crossed my mind. The other thought that I've had is that perhaps as we do when we're driving somewhere we've driven hundreds of times, we're sort of on an autopilot and you're just going.

It's unlike her, so that scenario feels a little strange, but it's definitely crossed my mind. The other thought that I've had is that perhaps as we do when we're driving somewhere we've driven hundreds of times, we're sort of on an autopilot and you're just going.

It's the capacity to sort of make a way out of no way. What it takes to create something from what feels like nothing. Right. There's a different kind of fortitude and generally a different kind of faith. Again, not a religious faith, but a sense that there is something here that is that I'm a part of something and I have a role in this something. So it's people from impoverished backgrounds.

It's the capacity to sort of make a way out of no way. What it takes to create something from what feels like nothing. Right. There's a different kind of fortitude and generally a different kind of faith. Again, not a religious faith, but a sense that there is something here that is that I'm a part of something and I have a role in this something. So it's people from impoverished backgrounds.

And when I look at all three of those populations or identities, experiences, they're all groups that have been forged despite conditions that weren't always favorable to them, to us, right? As a girl who was born poor and black and female, right?

And when I look at all three of those populations or identities, experiences, they're all groups that have been forged despite conditions that weren't always favorable to them, to us, right? As a girl who was born poor and black and female, right?

I was consistently consuming messages, right, even subliminally that I shouldn't want very much, I shouldn't have very much, that I wouldn't have the wherewithal or the intelligence or the strength to create the kind of life that I've made. And so in learning that these populations are actually most likely to experience growth and a sense of strength and greater sense of relationships after trauma

I was consistently consuming messages, right, even subliminally that I shouldn't want very much, I shouldn't have very much, that I wouldn't have the wherewithal or the intelligence or the strength to create the kind of life that I've made. And so in learning that these populations are actually most likely to experience growth and a sense of strength and greater sense of relationships after trauma

really revelatory for me.

really revelatory for me.

Wow, thank you so much. This was incredible.

Wow, thank you so much. This was incredible.

And that maybe that she had sort of turned off or tuned out in just this moment that in that route that she had taken so many times that she forgot that she was coming to get us.

And that maybe that she had sort of turned off or tuned out in just this moment that in that route that she had taken so many times that she forgot that she was coming to get us.

I think she represented... A before time when things were good, even if I couldn't fully remember all of that, she represented a safety and a stability and a level of care and attention and intention that was markedly absent after she passed away. And I think it was easy to tell myself a story that that was the shift that

I think she represented... A before time when things were good, even if I couldn't fully remember all of that, she represented a safety and a stability and a level of care and attention and intention that was markedly absent after she passed away. And I think it was easy to tell myself a story that that was the shift that

That her death was the end of these before times that were secure and safe and loving and nurturing, very much driven by her presence.

That her death was the end of these before times that were secure and safe and loving and nurturing, very much driven by her presence.

Yes. Yes. I have memories that have come back to me. I write about one of them in the book that suggests that perhaps she was using before my grandmother died. And I imagine that grandma was probably a bit of a buffer.

Yes. Yes. I have memories that have come back to me. I write about one of them in the book that suggests that perhaps she was using before my grandmother died. And I imagine that grandma was probably a bit of a buffer.

For us as kids, in some way, her presence was so formidable and consistent that I think it would have been quite difficult to actually have the same kind of proximity to my mother's addiction that I had after my grandma died. And so it's when I was around age seven or eight that

For us as kids, in some way, her presence was so formidable and consistent that I think it would have been quite difficult to actually have the same kind of proximity to my mother's addiction that I had after my grandma died. And so it's when I was around age seven or eight that

My earliest memories of my mother's addiction emerged and where I have great clarity on that shift in her behavior and in the ways in which we related to her and could rely on her.

My earliest memories of my mother's addiction emerged and where I have great clarity on that shift in her behavior and in the ways in which we related to her and could rely on her.

It's interesting. I don't know that I would call it... I would have called it a problem because I was so young. I knew pretty early on that my mother was not like other mothers in that we weren't having snacks made for us when we got home from school. She wasn't hovering to make sure that our homework was getting done. Dinner could be a bit of a scavenger hunt at times.

It's interesting. I don't know that I would call it... I would have called it a problem because I was so young. I knew pretty early on that my mother was not like other mothers in that we weren't having snacks made for us when we got home from school. She wasn't hovering to make sure that our homework was getting done. Dinner could be a bit of a scavenger hunt at times.

And so I even then started to get the sense that something was different. I think my...

And so I even then started to get the sense that something was different. I think my...

Fear around people learning about how things were at home began probably between eight and nine when we wouldn't really want our neighbors to go beyond our front porch and we didn't want them to come into the house because they might find that we didn't have our electricity have been turned off or we didn't have running water. The gas had been turned off.

Fear around people learning about how things were at home began probably between eight and nine when we wouldn't really want our neighbors to go beyond our front porch and we didn't want them to come into the house because they might find that we didn't have our electricity have been turned off or we didn't have running water. The gas had been turned off.

We often didn't have a working telephone, so I didn't give my phone number out to people generally, really until high school. But it was really clear to me that there was something that should be hidden from people. And that was, I would say, my first instinct.

We often didn't have a working telephone, so I didn't give my phone number out to people generally, really until high school. But it was really clear to me that there was something that should be hidden from people. And that was, I would say, my first instinct.

Not at that age. I don't know what anyone knew. If they knew anything, they never said anything. And so my earliest, you know, if I think about it now in reflection, I think the first people who probably had instincts were were probably folks in my life when I was in high school.

Not at that age. I don't know what anyone knew. If they knew anything, they never said anything. And so my earliest, you know, if I think about it now in reflection, I think the first people who probably had instincts were were probably folks in my life when I was in high school.

And I think I had a different kind of freedom and could therefore be in places with friends and with their parents that maybe created more points of exposure. I think as small children, there wasn't a lot of investigation or interrogation necessarily. And to be fair, one of the boys who lived next door, his mom had four children. Each of the children had a different father.

And I think I had a different kind of freedom and could therefore be in places with friends and with their parents that maybe created more points of exposure. I think as small children, there wasn't a lot of investigation or interrogation necessarily. And to be fair, one of the boys who lived next door, his mom had four children. Each of the children had a different father.

You know, they had their own kind of chaos, for lack of a better word. And so everyone had their own story that they were living in. And I imagine it's easy to get lost in the details of your own life when you're also working really hard to put food on the table and keep the bills paid and take care of aging parents or whatever the case may be.

You know, they had their own kind of chaos, for lack of a better word. And so everyone had their own story that they were living in. And I imagine it's easy to get lost in the details of your own life when you're also working really hard to put food on the table and keep the bills paid and take care of aging parents or whatever the case may be.

I will say that there was one moment that there was a song that That came out in the 90s about it was children taunting another child that the child's mother was on crack.

I will say that there was one moment that there was a song that That came out in the 90s about it was children taunting another child that the child's mother was on crack.

And I do remember when that song came out. just wondering if anybody would figure out somehow that that was my story, that that was true for me. And I hated that song because it felt like I was being taunted through the radio.

And I do remember when that song came out. just wondering if anybody would figure out somehow that that was my story, that that was true for me. And I hated that song because it felt like I was being taunted through the radio.

I mean, kids would sing it at school, and so it was there. And I think I just tried to pretend like nothing was wrong, and I would just sort of ignore it and wait for it to go off or wait for people to stop singing it. No one ever sang it at me, but it always felt very much like I was at risk of being exposed.

I mean, kids would sing it at school, and so it was there. And I think I just tried to pretend like nothing was wrong, and I would just sort of ignore it and wait for it to go off or wait for people to stop singing it. No one ever sang it at me, but it always felt very much like I was at risk of being exposed.

Well, my mother didn't work, and we typically weren't getting child support from my dad, and so we lived on public assistance. My mother got food stamps, and there was a small check payment, cash payment, essentially, that we got every month.

Well, my mother didn't work, and we typically weren't getting child support from my dad, and so we lived on public assistance. My mother got food stamps, and there was a small check payment, cash payment, essentially, that we got every month.

And so it summed together maybe around $500 or so, $300 or so of that was food stamps, and then the rest of it came in cash that was really just enough to cover the mortgage payment and maybe the electric bill or the utilities. They were often off, and so those bills were going unpaid. We would generally do like one big grocery store trip at the top of the month, which was like Christmas.

And so it summed together maybe around $500 or so, $300 or so of that was food stamps, and then the rest of it came in cash that was really just enough to cover the mortgage payment and maybe the electric bill or the utilities. They were often off, and so those bills were going unpaid. We would generally do like one big grocery store trip at the top of the month, which was like Christmas.

It was always so fun. But my mom, generally, she was getting food that we could kind of fix ourselves. A lot of like ready-made and heat to eat or just... bread and cheese and hot dogs, that kind of stuff, cereal, milk. You know, she'd get eggs and things that she'd make us for breakfast from time to time. But when it ran out, there was no second big trip to the store.

It was always so fun. But my mom, generally, she was getting food that we could kind of fix ourselves. A lot of like ready-made and heat to eat or just... bread and cheese and hot dogs, that kind of stuff, cereal, milk. You know, she'd get eggs and things that she'd make us for breakfast from time to time. But when it ran out, there was no second big trip to the store.

She usually would do that first big trip and then sell the food stamps, the rest of them, for money that she could then use to buy drugs. So we grew up without a lot. I write about a time when I actually went to the grocery store to steal food because we didn't have any in the house. It was quite scarce. And we often sort of scavenged, whether it was through meals at school, certainly.

She usually would do that first big trip and then sell the food stamps, the rest of them, for money that she could then use to buy drugs. So we grew up without a lot. I write about a time when I actually went to the grocery store to steal food because we didn't have any in the house. It was quite scarce. And we often sort of scavenged, whether it was through meals at school, certainly.

I was a free lunch kid, but then if there was an opportunity to go over to somebody's house after school...

I was a free lunch kid, but then if there was an opportunity to go over to somebody's house after school...

I did.

I did.

Nine. I was nine years old. And I rode my bike to the nearest grocery store, which was maybe a mile, a mile and a half away. Yeah. And I had a duffel bag that I wore cross-body, and I went into the store and proceeded to take anything that would fit in there that wasn't too heavy.

Nine. I was nine years old. And I rode my bike to the nearest grocery store, which was maybe a mile, a mile and a half away. Yeah. And I had a duffel bag that I wore cross-body, and I went into the store and proceeded to take anything that would fit in there that wasn't too heavy.

So I tried not to get too much canned food, or I couldn't get milk, I couldn't really get a loaf of bread, but I would get sausage links, I got, gosh, small cans of cheese.

So I tried not to get too much canned food, or I couldn't get milk, I couldn't really get a loaf of bread, but I would get sausage links, I got, gosh, small cans of cheese.

fruit cocktail I mean anything snacks that I could fit in there and I did it twice and the first time I got away uh without getting caught and it was quite a victory actually because I felt very proud that I was able to like put food on the table so to speak and this the next time I did it um I got caught.

fruit cocktail I mean anything snacks that I could fit in there and I did it twice and the first time I got away uh without getting caught and it was quite a victory actually because I felt very proud that I was able to like put food on the table so to speak and this the next time I did it um I got caught.

And the man at the store was sort of a security guard, I suppose, plain clothes, but security guard. And I said to him, I said, well, I didn't have anything to eat and I wanted to get food. And I tried to explain my way out of it. There's really no explaining it. It was very obvious what I was doing. And he let me go. And he said, don't do it again.

And the man at the store was sort of a security guard, I suppose, plain clothes, but security guard. And I said to him, I said, well, I didn't have anything to eat and I wanted to get food. And I tried to explain my way out of it. There's really no explaining it. It was very obvious what I was doing. And he let me go. And he said, don't do it again.

No, there were moments I think I was hopeful that if she had a good week or two that maybe she was clean. And it didn't take much for me to have hope that she was okay. And I looked for any glimmer of a positive trajectory for her recovery. For example, generally she didn't work when we were growing up. She collected welfare, and so we survived on public assistance.

No, there were moments I think I was hopeful that if she had a good week or two that maybe she was clean. And it didn't take much for me to have hope that she was okay. And I looked for any glimmer of a positive trajectory for her recovery. For example, generally she didn't work when we were growing up. She collected welfare, and so we survived on public assistance.

But she got a grocery store job, I remember, maybe three weeks or so. And just in that brief period and then another time where she had gotten a job at Rite Aid. And so I remember having those moments where it felt like she was trying and that she was moving towards something better and healthier. And so I don't know that I was necessarily in denial so much as I was...

But she got a grocery store job, I remember, maybe three weeks or so. And just in that brief period and then another time where she had gotten a job at Rite Aid. And so I remember having those moments where it felt like she was trying and that she was moving towards something better and healthier. And so I don't know that I was necessarily in denial so much as I was...

Just really hopeful, but rarely was I shocked when there was a relapse, but it was always devastating when it happened.

Just really hopeful, but rarely was I shocked when there was a relapse, but it was always devastating when it happened.

In some ways, I think it was just this act of faith and not a religious faith, but like an inner knowing that there was another way to live that was possible beyond what I had witnessed. Certainly, it helps when you have media around. And so TV and books played a role in that for me as well. I

In some ways, I think it was just this act of faith and not a religious faith, but like an inner knowing that there was another way to live that was possible beyond what I had witnessed. Certainly, it helps when you have media around. And so TV and books played a role in that for me as well. I

I suppose it was a blessing to have grown up as a Cosby kid, you know, to be able to grow up and witness a family that was so different from mine. And parents who were not only present, but they were successful. And you had a mother who was a lawyer and a father who was a doctor. And there was conversation about art and about school and education. And we saw loving discipline.

I suppose it was a blessing to have grown up as a Cosby kid, you know, to be able to grow up and witness a family that was so different from mine. And parents who were not only present, but they were successful. And you had a mother who was a lawyer and a father who was a doctor. And there was conversation about art and about school and education. And we saw loving discipline.

And so I think I could... grasp onto some of the images that I saw on TV. And I was such a reader that I think it fed my escapism as well in that way. And every chance we got in school to do anything different, whether it was a field trip to a museum or to a farm or the zoo or

And so I think I could... grasp onto some of the images that I saw on TV. And I was such a reader that I think it fed my escapism as well in that way. And every chance we got in school to do anything different, whether it was a field trip to a museum or to a farm or the zoo or

It just all felt so expansive for me, and I really held so tightly to the possibility that there was another way to live, even though I didn't have a lot of evidence that it was real.

It just all felt so expansive for me, and I really held so tightly to the possibility that there was another way to live, even though I didn't have a lot of evidence that it was real.

It's such an honor.

I think she represented... a before time when things were good, even if I couldn't fully remember all of that. She represented a safety and a stability and a level of care and attention and intention that was markedly absent after she passed away. And I think it was easy to tell myself a story that that was the shift.

That her death was the end of these before times that were secure and safe and loving and nurturing, very much driven by her presence.

Yes. I have memories that have come back to me. I write about one of them in the book that suggests that perhaps she was using before my grandmother died. And I imagine that grandma was probably a bit of a buffer for us as kids in some way. Her presence was so formidable and consistent that I think it would have been quite difficult to actually have her.

The same kind of proximity to my mother's addiction that I had after my grandma died. And so it's when I was around age seven or eight that my earliest memories of my mother's addiction emerged and where I have great clarity on that shift in her behavior and in the ways in which we related to her and could rely on her.

It's interesting. I don't know that I would call it – I would have called it a problem because I was so young. I knew pretty early on that my mother was not like other mothers in that we weren't having snacks made for us when we got home from school. She wasn't hovering to make sure that our homework was getting done. Dinner could be a bit of a scavenger hunt at times.

And so I even then started to get the sense that something was different. I think my...

Fear around people learning about how things were at home began probably between eight and nine when we wouldn't really want our neighbors to go beyond our front porch and we didn't want them to come into the house because they might find that we didn't have our electricity have been turned off or we didn't have running water. The gas had been turned off.

We often didn't have a working telephone, so I didn't give my phone number out to people generally, really until high school. But it was really clear to me that there was something that should be hidden from people. And that was, I would say, my first instinct.

Not at that age. I don't know what anyone knew. If they knew anything, they never said anything. And so my earliest, if I think about it now in reflection, I think the first people who probably had instincts were... were probably folks in my life when I was in high school.

And I think I had a different kind of freedom and could therefore be in places with friends and with their parents that maybe created more points of exposure. I think as small children, there wasn't a lot of investigation or interrogation necessarily. And to be fair, one of the boys who lived next door, his mom had four children. Each of the children had a different father.

You know, they had their own kind of chaos, for lack of a better word. And so everyone had their own story that they were living in. And I imagine it's easy to get lost in the details of your own life when you're also working really hard to put food on the table and keep the bills paid and take care of aging parents or whatever the case may be.

I will say that there was one moment that there was a song that that came out in the 90s about, it was children taunting another child that the child's mother was on crack. That's right.

And I do remember when that song came out, just wondering if anybody would figure out somehow that that was my story, that that was true for me. And I hated that song because it felt like I was being taunted through the radio.

I mean, kids would sing it at school. And so it was there. And I think I just tried to pretend like nothing was wrong and I would just sort of ignore it and wait for it to go off or wait for people to stop singing it. No one ever sang it at me, but it always felt very much like I was at risk of being exposed.

Well, my mother didn't work, and we typically weren't getting child support from my dad. And so we lived on public assistance. My mother got food stamps, and there was a small check payment, cash payment, essentially, that we got every month. And so it summed together maybe around $500 or so, $300 or so of that was food stamps.

And then the rest of it came in cash that was really just enough to cover the mortgage payment and maybe the electric bill or the utilities. They were often off. And so those bills were going unpaid. We would generally do like one big grocery store trip at the top of the month, which was like Christmas. It was always so fun.

But my mom, generally, she was getting food that we could kind of fix ourselves. A lot of like ready-made and heat to eat or just... bread and cheese and hot dogs, that kind of stuff, cereal, milk. You know, she'd get eggs and things that she'd make us for breakfast from time to time. But when it ran out, there was no second big trip to the store.

She usually would do that first big trip and then sell the food stamps, the rest of them, for money that she could then use to buy drugs. So we grew up without a lot. I write about a time when I actually went to the grocery store to steal food because we didn't have any in the house. It was quite scarce.

In some ways, I think it was just this act of faith and not a religious faith, but like an inner knowing that there was another way to live that was possible beyond what I had witnessed. Certainly, it helps when you have media around and so TV and And books played a role in that for me as well.

I suppose it was a blessing to have grown up as a Cosby kid, you know, to be able to grow up and witness a family that was so different from mine. And parents who were not only... present, but they were successful. And you had a mother who was a lawyer and a father who was a doctor. And there was conversation about art and about school and education, and we saw loving discipline.

And so I think I could grasp onto some of the images that I saw on TV. And I was such a reader that I think it fed my escapism as well in that way. And every chance we got, in school to do anything different, whether it was a field trip to a museum or to a farm or the zoo. It just all felt so expansive for me.

And I really held so tightly to the possibility that there was another way to live, even though I didn't have a lot of evidence that it was real.

Okay, so by the time I was 10 years old, I was reading Danielle Steele. Oh, really? And I don't know where I got these books from. Someone in my mother's life... Must have been a part of one of those membership clubs, you know, where you could sign up for. Yeah. Remember, Columbia House Records had it for CDs, and then there was one for books. So I had come across Full Circle.

It was the first book of hers that I read. And it was like a salmon pink cover. And that was what I was reading. I was not reading Sweet Valley High and Judy Blume. I was reading Danielle Steele.

Girl. And then Terry McMillan. Yes.

There are a couple of reasons. I think the first one is that there was something specific about the telling of my story in this way that was a knitting together all of these selves that I had shed along the way towards survival and a reclaiming of them and an honoring of them. That felt really important to me.

And I suffered in silence for years because my story was a secret and I only told very few people along the way that I didn't want that for other people. I wanted the little kid who felt alone.

Like they were escaping in books and looking at stories that felt so far and away from their lives to maybe find this book, the teenage version of myself, to find it in a library or having been gifted it and to see themselves in a story that also affirmed that their reality didn't have to be their destiny, that everything that they had inherited, they didn't have to carry.

And that was so deeply important to me just personally. And I think had I allowed myself to share my story with more people, I wouldn't have been so alone in that journey for as long as I was. I got so much out of stories as a young person. So this is certainly my offering in that regard.

The other reason, though, that I wanted to tell my story was because when I learned about post-traumatic growth, That was such a revelatory moment, but it also felt like a mission. I had this mission suddenly that I wanted to tell people about this phenomenon that occurs for people who experience adversity as well.

It's a phenomenon that occurs where... Amidst or on the heels of an adverse event or a traumatic event, some people actually report experiencing a greater sense of personal strength or stronger relationships, deeper spiritual values, a greater sense of possibility in their lives. And I was, first of all, fascinated by this idea. That alone felt, I understood that.

That spoke to what I saw and what I thought about my own life and my own experience. And I wanted to understand more. And what I learned, there's two things about post-traumatic growth that I think are phenomenal that everyone must know. The first are the conditions under which we tend to experience it.

And there are three things that are common with people who've reported experiencing PTG after a traumatic event. One is that they have a supportive community around them, so they know that they've got a loving environment of people who are there for them.

The second is that they find a way to make meaning with what happened and make meaning of what occurred in their lives in whatever way, great or small. The third, which is really hard to do, but important, is that they find the benefit of what happened.

And I think in so many ways I saw my own story, the benefits of my story, such that I could be a witness for someone else, that I could share this with someone else. And then it's the who. Who is most likely to experience post-traumatic growth? And that really blew my mind. It's people from impoverished backgrounds. Why is that? Is it the grit? It's the grit.

And when I look at all three of those populations or identities, experiences, they're all groups that have been forged despite conditions that weren't always favorable to them, to us, right? As a girl who was born poor and black and female, right?

I was consistently consuming messages, right, even subliminally, that I shouldn't want very much, I shouldn't have very much, that I wouldn't have the wherewithal or the intelligence or the strength to create the kind of life that I've made. And so in learning that these populations are actually most likely to experience the

growth and a sense of strength and greater sense of relationships after trauma was really revelatory for me.

Okay, so by the time I was 10 years old, I was reading Danielle Steele.

And I don't know where I got these books from. Someone in my mother's life must have been a part of one of those membership clubs, you know, where you could sign up for. Remember, Columbia House Records had it for CDs, and then there was one for books. So I had come across Full Circle. It was the first book of hers that I read. And it was like a salmon pink cover. And that was what I was reading.

I was not reading Sweet Valley High and Judy Blume. I was reading Danielle Steele. You're down the romance novel. Girl. And then Terry McMillan. Yes.

It's my most frequently asked question, and it never ceases to make me laugh.

Definitely. It started really young. In fact, it started so young, I don't remember. I think my ability to put myself together in a way that would eliminate doubt about what kind of care I was receiving at home... was really a bit of a gift. I think I had that natural instinct to do it.

And I think the fear that my mother instilled in us that we would be separated and perhaps put in foster care or some other child protective care, that if we were to make it known, that we felt unsafe at home or that we thought that there were problems at home, that we would be separated.

And so my reaction to that was to look cared for and to make sure that I went to school with my hair just so and my clothes were pressed and My behavior was pristine. Everything was as pristine as I could make it. And we didn't have particularly nice things, but they were always looked well tended to and laundered.

I used a wash tub where I would wash my clothes by hand if we didn't have running water or the electricity was out. We couldn't run the washing machine. And I would do it by hand, and I'd hang my clothes. I had seen my grandmother do laundry this way. So I was really, really careful about that. Certainly, if you were to see me today, you see the adult representation of that.

But it's been like that my whole life, as long as I can remember. I remember even... My grandmother had bought us dresses, I think it must have been for Easter one year. And so, you know, I was seven when she passed away. So we must have been younger than that. And they were emerald green. And I didn't like green, apparently. And I was very angry and I didn't want to wear the dress.

So I've had opinions about my appearance for a very, very long time.

When I learned about neuroplasticity first, I was just floored. And I suppose that it started to answer some questions for me just in understanding this idea that the brain and the ways in which it adapts is not fixed or finite. I think the meme up to that point for me had been that by the age of 25, 26, our brains are formed, we are who we are, and... good luck. And the brain is plastic.

The plasticity in neuroplasticity is about the brain's ability to adapt and to change and to evolve in response to experiences, to things that we learn, to the stories that we tell ourselves. And that for me was such an aha moment in that one, I wanted to just know more about the concept because my instinct there was, well, what else don't I know about this?

How else might this articulate some of what I had been feeling? Because as you mentioned, people have this reaction when they meet me. And when I say they have this reaction, I get this two to three times a week sometimes where people walk up to me and ask some version of, do I report the news or are you on TV? So I

But I could often never really explain when I was telling someone about my family background and they couldn't make sense of this person. They said, well, you don't look like what you've been through, so to speak. And I could never fully explain how I had come to be this other person. And this idea with neuroplasticity that...

Every new piece of information, every new stimulus, every new story we tell ourselves, all of that helps inform the way we see the world and the way in which our brain will adjust and move beyond its tendency to recreate what it knows or to hinge on what it knows. And from there, my appetite to learn more just became voracious again.

Absolutely, I did, because I also knew that both of my grandfathers had addiction. And so I didn't drink in college. I was such a goody two shoes. I didn't touch anything. I was just so afraid that this monster would emerge if I had given it just a taste of what it was looking for. And eventually allowed myself to relax a little bit more around that and feel a little bit less concerned. But

That fear stayed with me for many, many years. And by the way, I think that the conditions under which any one of us who may have a propensity towards addiction or the ways in which that gene may get expressed, it is still real. And so I try to be very mindful about that and be so self-aware about that. I also just don't have the instinct to do drugs, and so that helps.

Yes, I did. And by then, I felt so clear. I had a different kind of agency when you're a teenager. And I suppose typically it's the time where you're wrestling a bit with or rumbling with your parents for agency and claiming more independence. I already had it. So the decision to test into and attend Renaissance was mine alone. And the decision to where I went to college was mine.

I certainly got advice and guidance that led me away from going to college in Los Angeles, where I was born. planning to attend the University of Southern California and to go closer to home at Michigan because I had a younger sister who was still in high school at that time. But other than that, the decisions were mine, and I felt very clear that that was the pathway through.

We're not. Our relationship really, I would say, was deeply challenged when I was in high school and then going into college. She disappeared from our lives for long stints, twice in a four and a half year period of time. And so by the time I graduated from college, I think I had one more go in me then to attempt to have a relationship with her. She had been away for two and a half years.

We didn't know where she was. At one point, I thought maybe she had died. And we just had no word of her whereabouts. And I learned after naively wanting to believe that perhaps she was better, she had gotten married again, and she was living in what seemed like a much more stable environment. I thought she was doing well. And I learned when I was 22 years old that she was still using drugs.

And it was then that I made the very conscious decision to walk away from our relationship and And we've been estranged since then. That's over 20 years. Over 20 years. It's been since 2002.

Yes, she picked us up for church every Sunday. And so it was very routine for us to get dressed and to wait for her. What was interesting about that particular day was that she had actually passed the exit to our house. And so when her car was found, she was already beyond where she would have turned off to come pick us up and then, you know, get back on the freeway to go to church.

The conversation I had when he, well, he suffered a stroke and my sister was the one who had called me about it. When that happened, he was incapacitated. He was in the ICU. It took me back to the last conversation that we had had years prior where he had reached out to me. And his outreach was always so random. And so I could never understand what prompted a phone call or anything.

But in this instance... he had called me to wish me a happy birthday. And he didn't know that I lived in New York at that point in time, that I had enrolled in business school at NYU. And it just sent me into a rage. I was so angry when he said that he was proud of me. And I couldn't believe that he had the audacity to have pride for something that he couldn't take credit for.

And as he was in the ICU and There was a question of his recovery at all from the stroke that had placed him there. I just remembered that conversation and that event. And it was such a difficult moment. I wrestled with what to do. Do I try to go be by his bedside? Do I continue to keep the distance that I've had all of these years? What would that even look like?

Yeah, it's a complicated relationship. Absolutely.

I think he had heard that I was in town and he drove by. I don't write this in the book. I can't believe I'm telling this story. I hid in the bathroom because I didn't want to see him the entire time he was there. And I asked my nephew or one of my nieces to bring my wine in the bathroom with me.

So I was sitting in the bathroom, you know, the toilet seat down on the toilet, drinking wine, waiting for him to leave. And I think it became clear to him that I was not going to come out to see him. I didn't want to. have an interaction with him. And so eventually he left, but I probably was in the bathroom for about a half an hour.

I was just so angry. He would have this way of making me so angry because he could act like nothing had happened. He could always act like everything was normal. Like it was normal to not be in your children's lives and to only see them a couple of times a year and that it was normal to go years without speaking and then to just want to fall into casual conversation. It was maddening to me.

And it was ultimately why I'd asked him not to call me again back when I did. I was about 26 at the time. So I'd been estranged from my mom for four years by then, and frankly, technically, my father as well, because he was so intermittent in our lives anyway. And so it was just always this rage that I would find.

I could sum it up very quickly, because all I wanted to do was shout him and tell him, you know, this isn't normal, but that's not the relationship that we have.

There are a couple of reasons. I think the first one is that there was something specific about the telling of my story in this way that was a knitting together all of these selves that I had shed along the way towards survival and a reclaiming of them and an honoring of them. That felt really important to me.

And I suffered in silence for years because my story was a secret and I only told very few people along the way that I didn't want that for other people. I wanted the little kid who felt alone.

Like they were escaping in books and looking at stories that felt so far and away from their lives to maybe find this book, the teenage version of myself, to find it in a library or having been gifted it and to see themselves in a story that also affirmed that their reality didn't have to be their destiny, that everything that they had inherited, they didn't have to carry.

I've thought about this in two different ways. It's sort of the sliding doors moments that we all have in our lives. And on the one hand, I've wondered if she had some sense that she should just go to church without us. This was before cell phone, so she wouldn't have been calling to let us know that she wasn't coming.

And that was so deeply important to me just personally. And I think had I allowed myself to share my story with more people, I wouldn't have been so alone in that journey for as long as I was. I got so much out of stories as a young person. So this is certainly my offering in that regard.

The other reason, though, that I wanted to tell my story was because when I learned about post-traumatic growth, That was such a revelatory moment, but it also felt like a mission. I had this mission suddenly that I wanted to tell people about this phenomenon that occurs for people who experience adversity as well.

Yes. It's a phenomenon that was discovered, gosh, maybe 30 years ago now. It still hasn't made its way into the zeitgeist. And I'm now on a mission to change that.

But it's a phenomenon that occurs where amidst or on the heels of an adverse event or a traumatic event, some people actually report experiencing a greater sense of personal strength or stronger relationships, deeper spiritual values, a greater sense of possibility in their lives. And I was... first of all, fascinated by this idea. That alone felt, I understood that.

That spoke to what I saw and what I thought about my own life and my own experience. And I wanted to understand more. And what I learned, there's two things about post-traumatic growth that I think are phenomenal that everyone must know. The first are the conditions under which we tend to experience it. And

And there are three things that are common with people who've reported experiencing PTG after a traumatic event. One is that they have a supportive community around them. So they know that they've got a loving environment of people who are there for them.

The second is that they find a way to make meaning with what happened and make meaning of what occurred in their lives in whatever way, great or small. The third, which is really hard to do, but important, is that they find the benefit of what happened.

And I think in so many ways I saw my own story, the benefits of my story, such that I could be a witness for someone else, that I could share this with someone else. And then it's the who. Who is most likely to experience post-traumatic growth? And that really blew my mind. It's people from impoverished backgrounds. Why is that? Is it the grit? It's the grit.

It's unlike her, so that scenario feels a little strange, but it's definitely crossed my mind. The other thought that I've had is that perhaps as we do when we're driving somewhere we've driven hundreds of times, we're sort of on an autopilot and you're just going.

It's the capacity to sort of make a way out of no way. What it takes to create something from what feels like nothing. Right. There's a different kind of fortitude and generally a different kind of faith. Again, not a religious faith, but a sense that there is something here that is that I'm a part of something and I have a role in this something. So it's people from impoverished backgrounds.

And when I look at all three of those populations or identities, experiences, they're all groups that have been forged despite conditions that weren't always favorable to them, to us, right? As a girl who was born poor and black and female, right?

I was consistently consuming messages, right, even subliminally that I shouldn't want very much, I shouldn't have very much, that I wouldn't have the wherewithal or the intelligence or the strength to create the kind of life that I've made. And so in learning that these populations are actually most likely to experience growth and a sense of strength and greater sense of relationships after trauma

really revelatory for me.

Wow, thank you so much. This was incredible.

And that maybe that she had sort of turned off or tuned out in just this moment that in that route that she had taken so many times that she forgot that she was coming to get us.

I think she represented... A before time when things were good, even if I couldn't fully remember all of that, she represented a safety and a stability and a level of care and attention and intention that was markedly absent after she passed away. And I think it was easy to tell myself a story that that was the shift that

That her death was the end of these before times that were secure and safe and loving and nurturing, very much driven by her presence.

Yes. Yes. I have memories that have come back to me. I write about one of them in the book that suggests that perhaps she was using before my grandmother died. And I imagine that grandma was probably a bit of a buffer.

For us as kids, in some way, her presence was so formidable and consistent that I think it would have been quite difficult to actually have the same kind of proximity to my mother's addiction that I had after my grandma died. And so it's when I was around age seven or eight that

My earliest memories of my mother's addiction emerged and where I have great clarity on that shift in her behavior and in the ways in which we related to her and could rely on her.

It's interesting. I don't know that I would call it... I would have called it a problem because I was so young. I knew pretty early on that my mother was not like other mothers in that we weren't having snacks made for us when we got home from school. She wasn't hovering to make sure that our homework was getting done. Dinner could be a bit of a scavenger hunt at times.

And so I even then started to get the sense that something was different. I think my...

Fear around people learning about how things were at home began probably between eight and nine when we wouldn't really want our neighbors to go beyond our front porch and we didn't want them to come into the house because they might find that we didn't have our electricity have been turned off or we didn't have running water. The gas had been turned off.

We often didn't have a working telephone, so I didn't give my phone number out to people generally, really until high school. But it was really clear to me that there was something that should be hidden from people. And that was, I would say, my first instinct.

Not at that age. I don't know what anyone knew. If they knew anything, they never said anything. And so my earliest, you know, if I think about it now in reflection, I think the first people who probably had instincts were were probably folks in my life when I was in high school.

And I think I had a different kind of freedom and could therefore be in places with friends and with their parents that maybe created more points of exposure. I think as small children, there wasn't a lot of investigation or interrogation necessarily. And to be fair, one of the boys who lived next door, his mom had four children. Each of the children had a different father.

You know, they had their own kind of chaos, for lack of a better word. And so everyone had their own story that they were living in. And I imagine it's easy to get lost in the details of your own life when you're also working really hard to put food on the table and keep the bills paid and take care of aging parents or whatever the case may be.

I will say that there was one moment that there was a song that That came out in the 90s about it was children taunting another child that the child's mother was on crack.

And I do remember when that song came out. just wondering if anybody would figure out somehow that that was my story, that that was true for me. And I hated that song because it felt like I was being taunted through the radio.

I mean, kids would sing it at school, and so it was there. And I think I just tried to pretend like nothing was wrong, and I would just sort of ignore it and wait for it to go off or wait for people to stop singing it. No one ever sang it at me, but it always felt very much like I was at risk of being exposed.

Well, my mother didn't work, and we typically weren't getting child support from my dad, and so we lived on public assistance. My mother got food stamps, and there was a small check payment, cash payment, essentially, that we got every month.

And so it summed together maybe around $500 or so, $300 or so of that was food stamps, and then the rest of it came in cash that was really just enough to cover the mortgage payment and maybe the electric bill or the utilities. They were often off, and so those bills were going unpaid. We would generally do like one big grocery store trip at the top of the month, which was like Christmas.

It was always so fun. But my mom, generally, she was getting food that we could kind of fix ourselves. A lot of like ready-made and heat to eat or just... bread and cheese and hot dogs, that kind of stuff, cereal, milk. You know, she'd get eggs and things that she'd make us for breakfast from time to time. But when it ran out, there was no second big trip to the store.

She usually would do that first big trip and then sell the food stamps, the rest of them, for money that she could then use to buy drugs. So we grew up without a lot. I write about a time when I actually went to the grocery store to steal food because we didn't have any in the house. It was quite scarce. And we often sort of scavenged, whether it was through meals at school, certainly.

I was a free lunch kid, but then if there was an opportunity to go over to somebody's house after school...

I did.

Nine. I was nine years old. And I rode my bike to the nearest grocery store, which was maybe a mile, a mile and a half away. Yeah. And I had a duffel bag that I wore cross-body, and I went into the store and proceeded to take anything that would fit in there that wasn't too heavy.

So I tried not to get too much canned food, or I couldn't get milk, I couldn't really get a loaf of bread, but I would get sausage links, I got, gosh, small cans of cheese.

fruit cocktail I mean anything snacks that I could fit in there and I did it twice and the first time I got away uh without getting caught and it was quite a victory actually because I felt very proud that I was able to like put food on the table so to speak and this the next time I did it um I got caught.

And the man at the store was sort of a security guard, I suppose, plain clothes, but security guard. And I said to him, I said, well, I didn't have anything to eat and I wanted to get food. And I tried to explain my way out of it. There's really no explaining it. It was very obvious what I was doing. And he let me go. And he said, don't do it again.

No, there were moments I think I was hopeful that if she had a good week or two that maybe she was clean. And it didn't take much for me to have hope that she was okay. And I looked for any glimmer of a positive trajectory for her recovery. For example, generally she didn't work when we were growing up. She collected welfare, and so we survived on public assistance.

But she got a grocery store job, I remember, maybe three weeks or so. And just in that brief period and then another time where she had gotten a job at Rite Aid. And so I remember having those moments where it felt like she was trying and that she was moving towards something better and healthier. And so I don't know that I was necessarily in denial so much as I was...

Just really hopeful, but rarely was I shocked when there was a relapse, but it was always devastating when it happened.

In some ways, I think it was just this act of faith and not a religious faith, but like an inner knowing that there was another way to live that was possible beyond what I had witnessed. Certainly, it helps when you have media around. And so TV and books played a role in that for me as well. I

I suppose it was a blessing to have grown up as a Cosby kid, you know, to be able to grow up and witness a family that was so different from mine. And parents who were not only present, but they were successful. And you had a mother who was a lawyer and a father who was a doctor. And there was conversation about art and about school and education. And we saw loving discipline.

And so I think I could... grasp onto some of the images that I saw on TV. And I was such a reader that I think it fed my escapism as well in that way. And every chance we got in school to do anything different, whether it was a field trip to a museum or to a farm or the zoo or

It just all felt so expansive for me, and I really held so tightly to the possibility that there was another way to live, even though I didn't have a lot of evidence that it was real.