Chris Benderev
Appearances
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
Stacey Silberman is a real estate agent in Southern California, and she's well-suited to the job because she's excellent at making conversation with strangers about anything. But for the past six and a half years, there's been this classic genre of get-to-know-you banter that's become a lot more complicated for her and her husband, Michael. And that's questions about their children.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
The answers to these questions are complicated for Stacey because her older child, Max, died in 2017. So it has been six and a half years because I have a dot tattoo for every six months. This is Stacey's husband, Michael, Max's dad. He's a CPA, straight-laced kind of guy. For the most part.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
Max was a funny kid. Always loved playing pranks. Who, by 15, was struggling with drug addiction. Going in and out of treatment. He overdosed when he was 25 in his parents' house. And after he died, for a while, Michael and Stacey were around friends and family who knew what had happened. So nobody asked those, do you have kids sort of questions.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
But then, Stacey traveled to a conference in Albuquerque. She was sitting down for lunch next to a couple, a friendly blonde woman and her husband. They began asking Stacey where she was from and what she did. And then, finally, those questions.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
And does the conversation with them kind of stall out at that point and then they kind of go?
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
Of course, over time, this happened again and again. Strangers would ask them these sorts of questions, and when they'd answer, it'd suck all the air out of the room, which made Michael especially uncomfortable. He never liked sharing this stuff with strangers. He's more of a private person. But together, he and Stacey came up with a strategy for how to handle things.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
And so on they went, answering some questions about their kids and bobbing and weaving around others for six and a half years. Until this one day last November, when they got themselves into a situation that was very different from any that they'd been in before and very public.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
One thing to know about Stacey and Michael is they both spend a lot of their time working at a recovery center for people struggling with addiction. And sometimes they hang out with the other staff and clients there.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
They get seats, front row center. But before Sarah Silverman came on stage that night at the Hollywood Improv, there was this opener, a guy named Adam Ray, early 40s, wearing a Mariner's cap. And he's got this backing band. Drums, keyboard, backup singers. And he ends his set with a song about how all his friends with kids are miserable and boring now.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
But then the song shifts. Adam Ray says, or sings, that he and his wife are still deciding about having kids. Suddenly he turns to the crowd. He wants to find someone with kids who can make an argument for having them. Adam starts in the front row with a guy a few seats away from Stacey and Michael.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
Pretty assertive for the guy who doesn't like talking about this.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
And I figured that would be it. But the comedian's not done with him.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
While Michael's thinking, Adam the comedian keeps holding the microphone, waiting. This dad is taking too long to answer. And then finally...
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
On stage, no one quite knows what to do. One of the backup singers puts her hands over her face. The keyboard player just shakes his head like, no.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
This moment for the comedian seems pretty insurmountable, right? Like, what could he possibly do to save a set after that? I called him up, Adam Ray, and he said he considered changing the subject, but chose not to.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
And finally, it's actually Stacey who saves the day. She motions for Adam the comedian, and he bends down and points his mic at her.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
The video of Adam's set actually made the rounds on TikTok and Instagram afterward. Stacey says she read every last comment, all these people rejoicing for and remembering her son.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
Lots of people have asked them questions, putting them in this complicated spot. But this time, in front of all those people, that ended with a room full of strangers cheering for Max. This time is their favorite.
This American Life
850: If You Want to Destroy My Sweater, Hold This Thread as I Walk Away
He says, like, in a couple of years, you know, high school is going to end and you're going to all scatter to different jobs or colleges. And you're going to start falling out of touch with each other. And eventually you're not going to talk to most of any of these other people. And now you might... Can we just pause?
This American Life
850: If You Want to Destroy My Sweater, Hold This Thread as I Walk Away
Yeah, it's like suddenly he had our full attention.
This American Life
850: If You Want to Destroy My Sweater, Hold This Thread as I Walk Away
He said, like, well, then you're going to get into your 30s and your 40s and it'll be harder. You know, you'll be working and then, you know, some of you might get married. And your free time, a lot of that should go towards your spouse. And if you have kids, oh, like, whatever little free time you have left, like, that'll go to the kids. And finally, he said, like...
This American Life
850: If You Want to Destroy My Sweater, Hold This Thread as I Walk Away
The only friends you're going to be left with are the parents of whatever kid your little toddler or whatever randomly sidles up to because they both like the same part of the playground. Like that person, that parent, that's going to be your friend.
This American Life
850: If You Want to Destroy My Sweater, Hold This Thread as I Walk Away
Yes. By then we were like, I remember a sort of like stunned silence at that point. And maybe there's like one person who said like, no, or like, no, he's wrong, or we're going to stay friends or something. And then the class began and I don't remember anything else from that day.
This American Life
850: If You Want to Destroy My Sweater, Hold This Thread as I Walk Away
Absolutely. I thought that he, I remember thinking, oh no, I hope that he's wrong. But it sounds like he's right. That's what I remember thinking. It had the air of truth. Like, partly because it was so specific. The playground detail, especially.
This American Life
850: If You Want to Destroy My Sweater, Hold This Thread as I Walk Away
tedious and small and narrow and boring. Because when you're in high school, what is better than hanging out with your friends? That was the best thing you could do. And so you're going to have less and less of that. And this tiny world where you don't even get to pick your friends, I don't know, that just seemed very sad at the time and scary a little bit.
This American Life
850: If You Want to Destroy My Sweater, Hold This Thread as I Walk Away
I was scared of the end of high school in a way that I think most 18-year-olds aren't. It seemed like this was going to be the beginning of the end. And so I became very kind of nostalgic and also fearful, like, you know, a doomsday clock or something was running down.
This American Life
850: If You Want to Destroy My Sweater, Hold This Thread as I Walk Away
A few, a few.
This American Life
850: If You Want to Destroy My Sweater, Hold This Thread as I Walk Away
Three or four, three or four, and really only one that I see regularly.
This American Life
850: If You Want to Destroy My Sweater, Hold This Thread as I Walk Away
Yes, he was absolutely right. He fully predicted my future.
This American Life
850: If You Want to Destroy My Sweater, Hold This Thread as I Walk Away
In fact, the only friends I've made recently are the parents of the other kids who were in my son's daycare.
This American Life
850: If You Want to Destroy My Sweater, Hold This Thread as I Walk Away
In some ways it is, but I like it. I really like it. I obviously like spending time with my kid and my wife and the people I made friends with that are the parents of the kids randomly assigned to my kid's daycare class. Yeah, they're delightful.
This American Life
850: If You Want to Destroy My Sweater, Hold This Thread as I Walk Away
You know, in my memory, he's sort of the standard issue, I don't know, tallish white guy coach with like neatly parted brown hair. And, you know, the bell rings, class is supposed to start. And we're all just, you know, talking over him, not listening. And he's trying to get class started. And I think he's getting understandably a little annoyed about
This American Life
850: If You Want to Destroy My Sweater, Hold This Thread as I Walk Away
And then at one point, one of the girls said loudly, like, we're all going to be friends forever. And then he gets our attention and said something like, you know, just for your information, you're not going to all stay friends forever. And let me tell you a little bit about, like, how friendships work.