Brittany Newell
Appearances
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
Yeah, and it's an essence of who you are, but it's also something that can always change and can shapeshift, you know, depending on your mood or depending on the environment or depending on the person who's going to smell you, you know, and I guess that's one of the things that I love about smell. Yeah, is how it creates like a mood or an atmosphere.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
Yeah, and I'm very, very particular and attuned to different smells. Like the mood that comes with an amber smell is very different than the mood that would come with like a more like animalistic or leathery smell. Yeah, so I guess honestly in the same way that a name kind of casts a spell, I guess scents and smells do too. They just like, yeah, they set the setting or...
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
Yeah, I mean, I will say every dungeon that I've ever worked in has always been an above ground, very nice, very clean, big, beautiful house. And yeah, they're not literally underground. I mean, dungeon is a word with a lot of like semiotic baggage, which is why I think on the website of the...
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
dungeon that Dreamhouse, and Dreamhouse is the dungeon in the book, which is based on the very first dungeon that I ever worked at. I think they call it a BDSM playhouse, which is maybe more expansive and allows for, you know, like images of the different types of fetishes or fantasies that, you know, are played out there.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
From your experience? Yeah, yeah. In my experience, yes. And I remember someone asking me once, like, has doing sex work and being a pro-dom, like, how has it changed your opinion or your relationship to men? Like, has it made you like a lot more like impatient or, you know, like fed up because you have to deal with them so often?
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
Oh, yeah, that's the million dollar question. I have seen some early reviewers saying that it's a memoir, which it is definitely not. I want that to be clear, but I think it's a completely valid question. And I catch myself doing it as a reader, too, like the conflation of the main character with the author. And so, of course, I've thought about this a lot and been asked this a lot.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
And the answer is that actually more than anything, it's made me have so much empathy for men that I certainly never would have had otherwise. Perhaps because, you know, because of the specific power structure of a BDSM session, you know, where I'm always...
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
in charge and they're coming to me in this state of vulnerability and openness, you know, in a way that is almost never replicated in the real world. I have this very rare and rarefied opportunity to witness all of the like pent up emotions and all of the anxieties and grief and desires that men carry around.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
And I think a stereotype that is pretty true is that not all the time, but a lot of the time, the types of men who book sessions with a pro dominatrix are like high powered men who have demanding jobs and make a lot of decisions in their real life.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
and are generally in positions of power or, you know, at least have to be dominant and in charge a lot of the time, which, you know, maybe is also true for all, you know, normative men to some degree, this like... expectation of always being in charge and not showing your weakness or whatever. Yeah, and maybe it's surprising to hear that, but it has definitely made me have a
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
you know, burdened all of these men are by the demands of toxic masculinity, you know, because I'm deeply and highly aware of how toxic masculinity hurts and burdens and alters women and non-binary people. But, you know, in a dungeon session, I'm getting a front row seat to how toxic masculinity has affected
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
harmed them even you know even if they're like spelling it out or just in the nature of the scene where it just feels exactly and it just feels so good for them to just like let go in a way that they don't feel like they're able to in their actual lives or with their actual partners you grew up in Belvedere in Marin County that's known as a pretty wealthy area right yeah totally how would you describe your childhood
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
describe it as Grey Gardens directed by John Waters. What does that mean? It was very dysfunctional and loving, but a lot of chaos and a lot of feeling different from the the families around us and also like the other kids.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
Like, yeah, I guess maybe I would define it by a feeling of difference or otherness, which actually to bring it back to one of your earlier questions, like maybe that's one of the things that has made it like easier
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
easy for me to be receptive to people's strange fantasies or things that are different or things that are weird because yeah there's just always been this attraction to other worlds and underworlds and edges like ever since I was little like I remember like getting in trouble with my Not in trouble, but I remember the family, like, being like, oh, my God.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
Like, do you remember Netflix queues when, like, there was, like, the family would have, like, a queue and you would, like, queue it up for the DVDs to get mailed. And everyone would be like, oh, my God. Like, Britney, like, commandeered the queue and it's, like, full of, like, movies about crossdressers from other countries. And she put, like, the Rocky Horror Picture Show in there again.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
And I think the ways that it is non-fictional are sort of subtler than one might realize. Like, I think the sensory details of my life and the characteristics of the people that I'm close to and that I've spent a lot of time noticing and observing, I think those are always the things that end up making their way into a book, which is sort of like, I always say, like the tax of time.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
And, yeah, there was just always this obsession with, like, things that were queer and things that were other things.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
Yeah, I think it says a lot about, as I said at the very beginning, you know, I do believe that all characters, but also all people, are driven by this God-shaped hole inside of them. And I think that that can feed into, yeah, like what type of fetish or fantasy is. Someone has more generally the level to which the person wants to surrender and like how much they want to let go.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
You know, that I think says a lot about a person and the intensity with which they pursue this desire.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
Yeah, I feel so much responsibility. And, you know, of course, I feel a responsibility, you know, to keep them safe. But yeah, the emotional safety is a huge part of it and wanting them to feel, well, it's funny, right? Because you want them to feel safe, but you also want them to feel scared and demeaned and shivering. Right, because that's what they're coming to you for. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
I don't think there's a particular age, but I do think that sex work in general is not something that you should plan to do forever. Which, again, you know, is true of many jobs. But I feel that it is so...
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
exhausting and there is like a certain amount of like emotional drainage that happens that and you know inevitably it's you know it's also like the same thing with like you shouldn't model forever well i guess you can't model forever but you know there there is like a a Or like athletes. Yeah.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
But, you know, it does sort of change how you view yourself if you're not so careful with your boundaries. And the reality is that like most people start doing sex work when they're really, really young and don't have those boundaries in place. So actually, I would say it's better to start when you're a bit older, like at least 25, when your prefrontal cortex has developed.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
I mean, not that I did that, but now that I'm 30 and looking back, I'm like, actually, I think it's better to start when you're a bit older and to have a plan for your future self. I mean, there are, of course, dominatrixes of all ages, but I just think how...
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
Taxing it can be on your, like, psychic state is something that, yeah, you should take care of yourself in that way, you know, like, because you're really absorbing so many people's energies and so much vulnerability. And, yeah, you know, we are therapists, but we're maybe not trained therapists. So I think sometimes those boundaries can be slipperier than we realize until later.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
Well, literally like therapists. Like I know so many doms and sex workers of all stripes who then become so interested in therapy because they realize that that's what they've been doing.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
Thank you. I had so much fun and thank you so much for reading. Thank you.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
dating or loving or befriending a writer is that all of these sort of like very specific, intimate, sometimes seemingly insignificant details are the things that end up being like woven into the book and making it have like the texture of real life.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
Like and in a way that it's like probably only like that person would see themselves in it when they read it and be like, oh, like that's that's the brand of perfume that I use. Yeah, exactly. Like, oh, like that's my like turmeric colored bedspread. Right.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
Oh, that's a great question. I think Ruth is lonely and it actually has made me reflect a lot on my writing in general. And I think I'm always writing about characters who are defined by their longing and motivated by like trying to fill the God-shaped hole inside of them to use like 12-step language. And so I think Ruth is a great, is a holy person, like H-O-L-E-Y, as perhaps we all are.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
Yeah, and I think she has a lot of reservations about her own lovability and also her own desirability, which maybe is one of the many reasons why she enjoys her work as a stripper and later as a dominatrix. And I think she's a very curious person, which probably would be the main ways that I think I'm like Ruth.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
I actually think I'm very different from Ruth, but we do share that fundamental curiosity and an attraction to underworlds or shadows, maybe. I feel like she's very unafraid of things that other people might deem seedy or grubby. I think she feels at ease in those environments or with those types of people.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
Yeah. Well, I think I wanted it to be real and I wanted it to be empathetic and relatable and realistic and all of these things. And it makes Ruth, I think, a more like a character that we would see everywhere and a person who...
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
yeah, isn't this like flashing billboard image of a woman, even though in the sex work world, that's always, you know, what you're portraying or the role that you're stepping into. But even for the most, you know, like gorgeous woman working as a stripper or whatever, like that would always be a fantasy or a role that one is inhabiting.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
And I think all women, like regardless of what they look like, are actually like really good at that. and really learn to play the role and to understand what someone wants before they understand it themselves. That's probably what makes an excellent sex worker, I think, is that almost mind-reading empathy and the ability to shapeshift.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
And actually, I think that that's another big part of Ruth's averageness kind of being a benefit to her in these worlds is it allows her to shapeshift. And in general, she's a shapeshifter, like outside the club as well.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
Well, I guess probably the useless gender studies degree. No, I'm just kidding.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
Yeah, yeah. Well, I think when I... You know, I had the bizarre and, like, gorgeous but also very weird experience of publishing my book. So I wrote it when I was, I guess, like, 20, and then it came out right when I graduated. So, you know, that was amazing. And I think for me, and still actually, like, the most important thing to me upon graduating was wanting to have...
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
freedom and control of my time. And once my advance from the first book rather quickly ran out, I did the usual food service jobs, bartender, waitress, and anyone who's worked in food service knows how, you know, taxing that can be like mentally and psychically.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
And so I think like many artists and many people, I started to despair because I felt like I was losing this control of my time and my space. And so I think like all of the decisions I made around the types of work that I would originally driven by this desire for freedom and control of my time.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
And, you know, like if you can work one day of the week for $800 an hour and then have the rest of the week to write, that's the dream, you know, that's what has. And then I think once I got into it, In addition to the freedom and control of my time, you know, then I started to fall in love with it for the curiosities that... Like, how it satisfied my own curiosities and the excitement of it.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
And just, you know, like, I'm a writer, so I'm always interested in stories. And I kind of, like, randomly found this job or this type of work where people... are always telling you not just their stories, but they want to tell you their secrets, you know, and I love to listen.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
So I kind of felt almost like called to the job, you know, like as someone who wants nothing more than to be like a keeper of these masculine secrets or to be a witness to people's longings and a witness to their grief. Like it felt, you know, not to say that I didn't have like...
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
weird sessions or rude clients, like, of course, like, I never want to give off this impression that, you know, everything is always, like, rosy.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
Yeah. Well, I mean, of course, like as a dominatrix and a provider, I have, you know, my own limits and I have the things that I really enjoy. Like I love cross-dresser sessions. I feel like I'm the perfect person for that because I have lots of cross-dressers in my regular life, too. And, you know, there's things that I don't do either because I...
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
Mainly more just because I feel like I'm not good at it. But to answer your question more specifically, you know, like if someone's presenting me with a fantasy, like this disembodied fantasy, I think in general, I would like to think I'm a very open-minded person.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
And I don't think it's particularly hard to feel into their fantasy when, you know, the central longing or the central appetite behind the fantasy is clear to me or is laid bare, you know, like, So much of the time it's, you know, like it might seem inaccessible or insane, like a certain fantasy, but the heart of it is more relatable or familiar than maybe people would like to admit.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
So, yeah, I think I guess it's I guess it's about empathy, which, you know, I always like to say that what makes a good writer is also what makes a good dominatrix, which is empathy and curiosity and bravery. So I guess those things like all coming together. Make it not easy, but make it make me feel able to receive these fantasies.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
And I guess I think of myself, I said it earlier, but like to be a witness, you know, like to witness something and and hold space for it. You know, even if it's not my particular cup of tea. Yeah. Not my flavor. Yeah. Right. But to witness it feels important.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
Right, right. Like a therapist, right? Like, I guess when your therapist sees you out in the world, they're not supposed to acknowledge you. Only once, actually, which is kind of interesting that it would only be once. And it was, I was late and walking to the dungeon to have a session with this person who was like killing time on the corner.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
And I remember he was wearing, you know, like the green M&M. He was wearing like a green M&M t-shirt and eating a piece of pizza.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
No, I was eating a piece of pizza and I remember thinking like, oh, no, this is like so like ruining his fantasy because I'm wearing like street clothes and like wearing like my like ratty like faux fur jacket and eating pizza really hurriedly because I'm late to my session. And I remember we just like locked eyes and then I just like kept walking.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
And then, you know, 10 minutes later, he's at the dungeon and we didn't acknowledge it.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
Exactly. And, you know, his fantasy of a dominatrix would probably be someone who, like, lives and sleeps and eats in, like, a full latex suit, you know. So I didn't want—I felt kind of bad. I was like, oh, no, I, like, disrupted that fantasy for him with my pizza. Yeah.
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
That's interesting. I remember when I was shopping the book around, someone that I had sent it to rejected it, but... wrote a really beautiful review of it and said, you know, all the things that they liked about it. And I remember they said, I've never read so many different descriptions for how men smell. And that was the first time that I became aware of how, I guess, like,
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
how fixated and like entranced, enchanted I am by smells, I guess, as a writer, first and foremost, and secondarily as a embodied person out in the world. And then, you know, now like doing interviews and stuff with Softcore, like so many people mentioned that. So it's, yeah, it's been, it's like educational for me, like learning about
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
my own self as like a writer and a, you know, sex worker, whatever, like that I have this like attention to scent and to smell. And I think, I think, you know, in, I think that smell, how you smell and how you dress, you know, wherever you're going out in the world, wherever going to work,
Fresh Air
A Dominatrix/Writer Takes Readers Into A Dungeon
going to a party, going on a date or whatever, I think those two things, smell and style, are the closest things we have to like casting spells, if you know what I mean. It's like a way to, you know, depending on what you wear, like how femme it is, like how sexy it is and how you smell.